video | content warnings for the devil being the devil

[dissemble]

[Did you know you had a Civil War Museum, residents of Heropa? If you didn't, be sure to pay attention to what you can see in the background of this man's video. It's a wonderful museum, well organized and very educational.

The man in the video is dressed unassumingly in overalls. He's shutting a door behind him and locking it- obviously he thinks closing time is the best time to greet the rest of the network.
Well, it takes all kinds, doesn't it? His voice is calm and there's almost a neighborly tone to it.]

Hi- I'm, uh. I'm only new here so maybe there's a memo I missed or something, but I was wondering about what exactly we're supposed to be doing here. I'm a fairly simple kind of a guy- I like to call things how I see them. Call a pitchfork a pitchfork, you get the picture.

Now, I'm under the impression that I've been kidnapped and brought to Florida against my will. Not only that- but I've been branded like a piece of cattle. Yet some of you seem to be suggesting I've been done a favor of some kind.

[A pause as he locks the front doors of the museum behind him, checks they're securely shut, and moves away from the building. His tone begins shifts away from good-natured.]

That's a little rude, don't you think? Bringing us all here without any consultation and then asking us to thank them for it? That's fairly arrogant of them, right?

[Wait- was that a scream in the background?]

Now, I don't know you and you don't know me- but I'm sure there's a better way to resolve our differences than having all of us lying down in the dirt and letting them piss all over us.

[As he moves away from the building those of you who were admiring the fine architecture will notice that there are flames coming out of the windows. And yes- those are definitely screams you can hear now.

Lucifer is looking frankly into the camera once more.]

Just my take on things.


[The feed ends.


ooc: this is why you don't give lucifer a job as assistant curator at the local civil war memorial.

heroes- the poor people trapped inside the museum need your help! Lucifer won't be sticking around to deal with the fallout but please go ahead and threadjack to organise/actionspam rescues on this post!]

Comments

[hostage]

'cause there's a difference between something happening and somebody doing something. What's happening somewhere else ain't about what you're doing here now, and what you're doing is fucking sick. And there's no goddamn reason for it, either. You're just some asshole swinging his big fat magical dick around.

[dissemble]

[See that pained expression on Lucifer's face? You did that. Your stupid hurts him, Jesse.]

Do we have to start with the basics? The whole point of free will is that nothing just happens. Things happen because other people made them happen.

[hostage]

Accidents happen. Sickness happens. You ain't something that just happens. You're doing this just to get off on it, and that makes all the difference, you piece of shit.

[dissemble]

[Maybe he needs to post a series of lectures? "You and Your Place In The Universe" or something like that.]

You think I get off to burning down a crappy old museum full of girl scouts and old ladies? That's why you think I'm terrible?

[hostage]

[Is that a serious question?]

Um, duh?

[dissemble]

Do you get off taking out the trash?

[This is a serious question.]

How about cleaning mold out of your shower? Does that make you hot?

[hostage]

[He is having none of this shit now.]

People aren't trash. Except you, maybe.

[dissemble]

If you really believe that you aren't watching the news enough.

[hostage]

So... you're pissed off people hurt each other so you're going around hurting people who didn't hurt anybody. Yeah, that makes a whole lotta sense.

[dissemble]

[A multiple part interactive documentary about how insignificant humans are in the scheme of things. That's what he'll make.

Sorry. You're angry and Lucifer should be paying attention.]

Look, can we cut to the part where you still don't believe me and I'm still right so we decide to give up this conversation as lost?

[hostage]

You mad 'cause your Charles Manson bullshit don't fly with people who ain't totally batshit?

[dissemble]

[Jesse. Jesse. You are quickly approaching Dean Winchester levels of asshattery.]

Again, you're confusing me for someone with a beard. I think it's best if I leave you to stew for a while.

[hostage]

[Only just approaching? He'll have to work harder.]

Yeah, fuck you, too. I gotta go undo your work now. Wasted enough of my time listening to your shit.

[dissemble]

[You call that listening? Your poor teachers.]