JULY 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JULY 20TH, 2016

BAIL-FUL COUNTENANCE
As seen on local television network:
In the wake of the strange disappearances back in June, the Maurtia Falls Police Department has issued a brief statement claiming that they believe that last month's bailjumpers have indeed been kidnapped and murdered, given evidence collected at crime scenes discovered in the city earlier this month. However, no more criminals who have posted bail have vanished, and although the Maurtia Falls department have yet to find the criminal responsible, they are optimistic that the crime spree, if that was indeed what it was, is over.

That said, reported disappearances in the city have climbed to an all time high this month, although this, a Member of the Court of Drunk Statisticians remarked for the Fall News, is no surprise: "People get jumpy when their loved one goes missing in a situation like this, hic. They might pay more attention to long absences when, hic, they might otherwise have not given half a s#&t about it before."

The accompanying news article seems to back up his claim. Local loan shark Joe "Fingerbreaker" Hammer disappeared on the 12th of June, and two days later was reported at missing, only to be rediscovered by his overwrought ex-wife. "He got drunk and fell asleep in the back of his limo, and ended up in Vegas. He didn't bother to call me back even though I left thirty-seven messages on his phone. He's a douchebag, I wish he was missing."

GOSHDARN KIDS
As seen on the national nightly news:
In related news, a seventeen-year-old boy who reported his parents and younger sister missing on the 7th, the day after his birthday, whom was later discovered to have killed them all, concealing their bodies by throwing them into the cesspit under their house. He has been remanded into custody and charged with three counts of murder.

IMPOTENT PROTECTION ALERT
As seen on international news stations:
Scattered reports from Moscow indicate that the USSR will be staging mass "duck and cover" demonstrations for children ages sixteen and under, in the event of uncontrolled imPort violence committed against the people of the USSR. ImPorts are depicted as extremely aggressive and heartlessly lethal foes, an argument popularized by boogeyman-like propaganda posters featuring the more infamous imPorts (notably Jonathan Crane and Lucifer). These posters flood public areas such as schools.

HONOR CODE
As seen in the Page 6 ads in all newspapers local to imPort cities:
82 101 109 101 109 98 101 114 32 117 115 63 32 87 101 32 104 97 118 101 32 98 101 101 110 32 119 97 116 99 104 105 110 103 46 32 69 110 106 111 121 32 116 104 101 32 115 104 97 107 101 45 117 112 46

THE CAT AND THE CHUMP
As seen featured on Shitebartnews.com:
Ronald Chump fires back at imPort Kitty Jones when asked about her in an interview --

"Who?" Replied Chump, apparently unaware of the name. Shortly followed by: "You mean that miserable anarchist? Whatever."

More undoubtedly to follow.

SHARE THE CARE
As seen on national news:
WeCare, a non-profit charity promoter, would like to celebrate imPort-created charities and foundations this July. If you are a n imPort who has founded either of the above criteria, then contact WeCare at WeCare.org with your information. Everyone who submits a legitimate application will individually receive a 14k plated gold medal of recognition on July 30th! Representatives from WeCare will meet you at your home or business to present your medal and offer a brief interview of your accomplishments and passions.

NOTHING BUT A HUND DOG
As seen on the morning show "Cox & Friends":
Rumors are already swirling about the Senate race heating up in Virginia. Former imPort Ambassador Mitchell Hundred is in the thick of he-said-she-said talk about his bedroom preferences and habits. Most pundits dismiss all this to be nothing more than a whisper smear campaign against the imPort in his bid to unseat a senator.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from FIREWORK RED to SHATTERING BROWN because of the rampant earthquake monsters running amok.

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