JULY 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JULY 20TH, 2016

BAIL-FUL COUNTENANCE
As seen on local television network:
In the wake of the strange disappearances back in June, the Maurtia Falls Police Department has issued a brief statement claiming that they believe that last month's bailjumpers have indeed been kidnapped and murdered, given evidence collected at crime scenes discovered in the city earlier this month. However, no more criminals who have posted bail have vanished, and although the Maurtia Falls department have yet to find the criminal responsible, they are optimistic that the crime spree, if that was indeed what it was, is over.

That said, reported disappearances in the city have climbed to an all time high this month, although this, a Member of the Court of Drunk Statisticians remarked for the Fall News, is no surprise: "People get jumpy when their loved one goes missing in a situation like this, hic. They might pay more attention to long absences when, hic, they might otherwise have not given half a s#&t about it before."

The accompanying news article seems to back up his claim. Local loan shark Joe "Fingerbreaker" Hammer disappeared on the 12th of June, and two days later was reported at missing, only to be rediscovered by his overwrought ex-wife. "He got drunk and fell asleep in the back of his limo, and ended up in Vegas. He didn't bother to call me back even though I left thirty-seven messages on his phone. He's a douchebag, I wish he was missing."

GOSHDARN KIDS
As seen on the national nightly news:
In related news, a seventeen-year-old boy who reported his parents and younger sister missing on the 7th, the day after his birthday, whom was later discovered to have killed them all, concealing their bodies by throwing them into the cesspit under their house. He has been remanded into custody and charged with three counts of murder.

IMPOTENT PROTECTION ALERT
As seen on international news stations:
Scattered reports from Moscow indicate that the USSR will be staging mass "duck and cover" demonstrations for children ages sixteen and under, in the event of uncontrolled imPort violence committed against the people of the USSR. ImPorts are depicted as extremely aggressive and heartlessly lethal foes, an argument popularized by boogeyman-like propaganda posters featuring the more infamous imPorts (notably Jonathan Crane and Lucifer). These posters flood public areas such as schools.

HONOR CODE
As seen in the Page 6 ads in all newspapers local to imPort cities:
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THE CAT AND THE CHUMP
As seen featured on Shitebartnews.com:
Ronald Chump fires back at imPort Kitty Jones when asked about her in an interview --

"Who?" Replied Chump, apparently unaware of the name. Shortly followed by: "You mean that miserable anarchist? Whatever."

More undoubtedly to follow.

SHARE THE CARE
As seen on national news:
WeCare, a non-profit charity promoter, would like to celebrate imPort-created charities and foundations this July. If you are a n imPort who has founded either of the above criteria, then contact WeCare at WeCare.org with your information. Everyone who submits a legitimate application will individually receive a 14k plated gold medal of recognition on July 30th! Representatives from WeCare will meet you at your home or business to present your medal and offer a brief interview of your accomplishments and passions.

NOTHING BUT A HUND DOG
As seen on the morning show "Cox & Friends":
Rumors are already swirling about the Senate race heating up in Virginia. Former imPort Ambassador Mitchell Hundred is in the thick of he-said-she-said talk about his bedroom preferences and habits. Most pundits dismiss all this to be nothing more than a whisper smear campaign against the imPort in his bid to unseat a senator.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from FIREWORK RED to SHATTERING BROWN because of the rampant earthquake monsters running amok.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

Voice

[thegriffinofdeath]

[The story about the child murdered hits a little too close to home for Anastasya, and she sounds...genuinely upset when she speaks.]

What could drive a boy to murder his whole family...

voice

[rathercommon]

[ The news sure is horrific today. But Kitty is focusing on one thing, not exactly to her credit - ]

Oh, he knows who I am. As if we needed further proof that he's a bloody liar...

voice

[inmyothertights]

If the science explains which came first plan had worked out, he wouldn't be able to forget your name.

voice

[rathercommon]

Well, he probably would have sued us if it had worked out. Plus, he's got, like, a lot of houses.

voice

[inmyothertights]

He can't sue us if he needs to use science to prove it was us, he doesn't believe in science.

voice

[rathercommon]

Hah. To be fair, he doesn't believe in anything. He's completely vapid.

voice

[inmyothertights]

And yet there he is.

Saying things.

voice

[rathercommon]

I don't know. Does it really count as saying things when there's no substance to what he's saying? His words barely make sense, and his ideas are just...absent.

[slightlyoffchilt]

You have an admirer.

[rathercommon]

Ugh, don't even joke! The day I'm admired by that - that - fluffy-haired tosser is the day I jump into the sea.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Well he obviously knows who you are, he knows your political views. Even if the man exaggerates them.

[rathercommon]

[ Ughhhhhhhh. ]

Please don't tell me you're imagining this as, like, him playing coy 'cause he likes me or something.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Only a matter of time until he sends you a juvenile love note.

voice: un reads Clark Kent

[andaway]

Is there a story behind this?

voice:

[rathercommon]

[ Oh. Her voice warms quite a bit. ]

Hullo, Mr Kent. Well, I've said a few things about him. Publicly. Loudly. Perhaps a bit profanely.

voice:

[andaway]

Hey, Kitty. [Nice talking to her when she's back to herself.]

I assume they weren't nice things. From what I've heard of the guy, he deserves every word.

voice:

[rathercommon]

No. Not nice things. Though they weren't exactly cruel, either, a lot of the time. Mostly I've just been throwing his own words back at him. The bloody hypocrite.

voice:

[andaway]

Good. These kind of politician should take a spoonful of their own medicine far more often, so cheers on that.

You must have gathered quite a following, though, if he knows you by name. [Knows her well enough to pretend not to, apparently.]

Text

[sleight_of_hand]

Wow, Luci, that's a flattering picture of you~!

[ ...he's totally safe from not-so-divine wrath behind a text message, right? ]

Text

[angelfire]

I know, right? I'm, like, famous in Russia.

Text

[sleight_of_hand]

I don't think they quite captured your bad side, though. Not horny enough.

[ One of these days he'll learn to check what he's saying before pressing send... ]

Text

[angelfire]

A little presumptive about my sex life, but whatever.

Text

[sleight_of_hand]

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT

voice: un reads Clark Kent

[andaway]

What does her private life had to do with him being able to run for Senate?

[And yes, he's aware the question is ridiculous. He wrote about politics in the Daily Planet for years. He's just saying.]

text - posted AFTER the swear-in

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