001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[selfequipped]

It's definitely a pride thing. How are you making it look easy if you haven't even started?

[ferrisbuellean]

By giving such an amazing opener on the network? It's not a pride thing to congratulate myself on a job well done!

[schrader]

[ Has to laugh at that because w o w. You must be joking son. ]

Did you even read the book?

[cuff]

So I can't be offended for someone else now?

[ferrisbuellean]

Nope. That's just invasive. Care about your own problems.

[ferrisbuellean]

Okay, maybe more like Pacino in the Devil's Advocate. Point is, I'm an excellent lawyer.

[cuff]

There goes all my plans to save the dolphins.

[ferrisbuellean]

Were you actually planning to save dolphins?

[cuff]

Think i'd tell you if I was?

[ferrisbuellean]

It seems like a pretty weird thing to get defensive about.

[cuff]

I'm not gettin' defensive, jus'sayin my dolphin crusades might be personal.

[schrader]

[ Did you just compare yourself to Satan? ]

Can't argue with those qualifications.

[ferrisbuellean]

Do you get to swim with these dolphins?

[ferrisbuellean]

[He sure did. And yet it's probably still more accurate than Atticus.]

You must have need for one, right? If I can't work alongside you, I could always work for you.

[cuff]

Ahh- only on special occasions. Y'know. When they're feelin' up to it.

[selfequipped]

Unfortunately, we're a very, very small part of your audience. An almost forgettable part!

[ferrisbuellean]

Yeah, I heard they can be assholes.

[ferrisbuellean]

Well, I reckon I can fill the rest of my margins with desperate housewives and imPort lovers.

[schrader]

[ That's

weird. Enough that Hank doesn't have an immediate comeback. Oh no, not enough coffee. Lose the Bwuh? face, Officer Schrader. ]

You can't be that desperate for ratings.

[selfequipped]

They're surprisingly willing to flip-flop on us. Something to do with us being ungrateful or whatever. I wouldn't bank on that.

[ferrisbuellean]

[Such beauty and grace displayed. Jeff is impressed.]

No, but I am that desperate for clients. And money. Money first and foremost. Wow but you're a cop, right? You guys are more underpaid than McDonald's workers.

[cuff]

Yeah, yeah, sure- but that's just what people want you to think. Not they're fault they don't people all up in their aquatic spaces all the time.

[schrader]

[ It true. Hank has the perk of government stipend since he's Registered, but ... that money is not for trash lawyers. ]

Didn't occur to you til just now, huh? Ah well, parting is such sweet sorrow.

[ferrisbuellean]

Then I'll stick to those who'll remain forever loyal: Housewives. My face is enough to pull in thousands of lonely women.

[ferrisbuellean]

And mankind is the biggest asshole of them all, amiright?