001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[ferrisbuellean]

[Well done, Hank. All Jeff is after is reactions.]

You caught me, my super power is extreme back chat and arguing. It makes me unstoppable in court and ridiculously appealing to ladies who're drawn to solving the mystery beneath the lies.

[schrader]

So you're Ally McBeal. Check.

[ferrisbuellean]

I like to think of myself more as an Atticus Finch kinda guy.

[schrader]

[ Has to laugh at that because w o w. You must be joking son. ]

Did you even read the book?

[ferrisbuellean]

Okay, maybe more like Pacino in the Devil's Advocate. Point is, I'm an excellent lawyer.

[schrader]

[ Did you just compare yourself to Satan? ]

Can't argue with those qualifications.

[ferrisbuellean]

[He sure did. And yet it's probably still more accurate than Atticus.]

You must have need for one, right? If I can't work alongside you, I could always work for you.

[schrader]

[ That's

weird. Enough that Hank doesn't have an immediate comeback. Oh no, not enough coffee. Lose the Bwuh? face, Officer Schrader. ]

You can't be that desperate for ratings.

[ferrisbuellean]

[Such beauty and grace displayed. Jeff is impressed.]

No, but I am that desperate for clients. And money. Money first and foremost. Wow but you're a cop, right? You guys are more underpaid than McDonald's workers.

[schrader]

[ It true. Hank has the perk of government stipend since he's Registered, but ... that money is not for trash lawyers. ]

Didn't occur to you til just now, huh? Ah well, parting is such sweet sorrow.

[ferrisbuellean]

Just remember who to call if you ever get in a legal jam, all right? You owe me that much.

[schrader]

[ I OWE YOU NOTHING. ]

Need to come up with a better catchphrase if you want me to remember the name.

[ferrisbuellean]

How about "Give me your god damn money!"?

[schrader]

Might not work so well with the women folk. Might kill some old ones from shock. Aren't lawyers supposed to be slimier about their straight-up theft? Better for business I hear.

I'd watch that commercial, though.

[ferrisbuellean]

Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm thinking a few close ups and a few topless shots will be enough to pull in the target audience. Who even watches lawyer documentaries for the legal stuff?

[Hopefully no one, because Jeff's actual legal knowledge is pretty appalling.]

[schrader]

And ya lost me again. The affair was short but sweet.

[ferrisbuellean]

Dammit, I really thought we had something.