maskormenace | 008 ♍ video ♍ sunday morning 3 a.m.

008 ♍ video ♍ sunday morning 3 a.m.

[ the camera clicks on to kanaya sitting behind the bar in the devil's nest, the only light in the room emanating from her skin, illuminating the bar and casting long shadows around her. hard to say whether she's having a late night or a very early morning, as she tends to do both.

there's something a bit off about her manner, a little lazy and limp, slouching a bit much for her generally prim posture. it's probably related to the glass of too red wine in front of her, the half-empty bottle of cabernet sauvignon next to the metal flask she seems to carry everywhere. her tone is quiet and pensive, putting a lot of effort into keeping her words coherent. it's an important topic she's discussing today. ]

So I think we can all recognize at this point that Earth is very fond of its holidays, but of the lot I think it's Mother's Day I find the most...challenging. On my worst days, I'd regard it with hostility, as if the very idea that motherhood is something to be celebrated is in itself obscene. But, that. That isn't right. My problem has always been that I've grown too bitter, it clouds the perspective. And even I have had the good fortune to know many lovely mothers, even if I wasn't able to become one myself.

[ her eyes have been lingering on her drink this whole time, swishing it around in a circle, but now she finally looks at the camera. ]

What I mean to say is that...it isn't unlikely, or even uncommon, for others to have more pleasant associations with motherhood. Happier stories to share, enough to fill an entire day. So, I'd like to hear them, if you're willing. However big or small it may be, I'd just like something to paint the occasion in a more positive light.

[ operation archangel participants: feel free to action at her, if you're staying at the nest! ]

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My mother raised me by herself until she died due to overwork when I was 10 years old. She was kind, gentle, intelligent. She believed that a kind person finds happiness just by love, and by becoming the person who gets hurt, instead of someone that hurts others. She wouldn't refuse any request of help and was equal to everybody in her kindness.

[ there's something disturbingly familiar about all of that. it's like being told her own future, if only she had the guts to be a gentler, kinder person. ]

its a shame to think someone who gave so much would burn up so quickly
one may hope that she would be given in return on some level to even things out
but it never quite goes that way
and instead of thinking to take better care of herself she would only stop expecting it

[ project more, kanaya. ]

[ it's not something Kaneki praises ]

She was weak. I love her, with all of my heart, and her words were always kind and all of her was so gentle. But she was a weak woman. A fool.

Edited 2015-05-10 21:20 (UTC)

[ ah. the bitterness there is palpable, and she isn't sure she could really blame him for it. ]

perhaps that is true
to give freely and endlessly requires a better sense of self-preservation
some fallback to ensure you dont go to waste
do you feel she abandoned you

It's not just that. By always treating everyone with undeniable kindness and refusing to hurt others, she refused to chose. There are times that, in order to preserve one thing, you need to give up another - and my mother couldn't do that. While it seemed like she was choosing both, in fact she was forsaking both. She didn't have the resolve to choose and called it "kindness". She probably didn't see it as forsaking me. As abandoning me. I'm not bitter towards her.

i dont know if i really believe that you arent
because the way you describe it you almost certainly feel forsaken even if you recognize it wasnt how she would have processed it
and i dont think youd be wrong to

good people arent blameless either
and she does sound like she was good
but she also sounds like she lacked the perspective a mother needs
an eye for the long term and the priorities in mind that will see her child is cared for above all things
that should always be the choice

No. Rather than resent her, I am saddened by it. When I remember my mother, I feel sad, not bitter. And it should. I should be. But I wasn't. She never made a choice and she died with the weight of her lack of resolve. For a long time, I believed there was no one as strong as she was, for always helping another, for always doing what was right. I wanted to be like her, follow her words. I did. But I had to become strong, eventually. We all must.

strength isnt in avoiding choices
it takes strength to make the choices you know will be regretted after
but that are too necessary to ignore

its the sort of strength you hope to never use
but that is a situation we are all bound to face eventually
quite frequently for some

Has it been frequent, for you?

its always been my job to be the strong one
no matter any inherent weakness i must overcome in the process

Why your job?

because someone has to do it
i could never trust anyone else to
i dont think id know quite what to do with myself if it wasnt me

So you want to do it. How was your mother like?

my mother abandoned her role and position for another calling when she chose to raise me
i dont believe she ever regretted it but there were times you could see the toll it took
it was something that meant a great deal to her even if she felt the task she took in its place was of a higher meaning
she was strong

but her choice also doomed her
leaving her position cut short her life
this was something we both understood beforehand
if things were to proceed as they were meant to her death was even necessary

i was thirteen
i only wish i could have been as strong as she was

Necessary? What do you mean?

it was a biological issue
the reproductive methods of her species were complicated
forming an egg was not a kind process for the mother
but that was the choice she made

Edited 2015-05-19 09:12 (UTC)

I'm sorry to hear so. What happened to the egg? -Your sibling?

not my sibling
she would have been my daughter
i was meant to adopt her offspring the same way she had adopted me
but rather than an abdication of duties it would have been a fulfillment of them

Hm. I'm sorry to ask, but is it really what it is to be a mother? Fulfilling duty?

that isnt all it is
theres a lot of work and emotion and turmoil and joy that goes into being a mother
but there is duty too as there is duty in all things
and when the future of your species depends on it then it becomes a very important job
its the job i was hatched for

And what if you can't fulfill it? What happens then? Would your species disappear?

wrong tense
its happened already and is happening still
i am among a small handful to represent the final generation of my people
when we die that will be it for us

[ what does he even say to that? Saying sorry sounds so weak. But it's the only thing he can say, isn't it? ]

I'm sorry to hear so. I can't imagine what it's like.

[ it's one of the reasons she's usually reluctant to tell it, avoiding that awkward obligatory sympathy. because honestly, what is there to say to it? ]

with any luck youll never have to
it isnt the sort of thing anyone should have to experience

Do you wish to become a mother, or do you wish to become the mother of your species? [ it's two different things ]

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glowsferatu - 2015-05-31 10:52 (UTC) - Expand

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008 ♍ video ♍ sunday morning 3 a.m.

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