008 ♍ video ♍ sunday morning 3 a.m.

[glowsferatu]

[ the camera clicks on to kanaya sitting behind the bar in the devil's nest, the only light in the room emanating from her skin, illuminating the bar and casting long shadows around her. hard to say whether she's having a late night or a very early morning, as she tends to do both.

there's something a bit off about her manner, a little lazy and limp, slouching a bit much for her generally prim posture. it's probably related to the glass of too red wine in front of her, the half-empty bottle of cabernet sauvignon next to the metal flask she seems to carry everywhere. her tone is quiet and pensive, putting a lot of effort into keeping her words coherent. it's an important topic she's discussing today. ]

So I think we can all recognize at this point that Earth is very fond of its holidays, but of the lot I think it's Mother's Day I find the most...challenging. On my worst days, I'd regard it with hostility, as if the very idea that motherhood is something to be celebrated is in itself obscene. But, that. That isn't right. My problem has always been that I've grown too bitter, it clouds the perspective. And even I have had the good fortune to know many lovely mothers, even if I wasn't able to become one myself.

[ her eyes have been lingering on her drink this whole time, swishing it around in a circle, but now she finally looks at the camera. ]

What I mean to say is that...it isn't unlikely, or even uncommon, for others to have more pleasant associations with motherhood. Happier stories to share, enough to fill an entire day. So, I'd like to hear them, if you're willing. However big or small it may be, I'd just like something to paint the occasion in a more positive light.

[ operation archangel participants: feel free to action at her, if you're staying at the nest! ]

Comments

[justimom]

[ She nods, only once, in a sign of understanding. ] There are times when it is good to allow yourself to feel the full extent of the pain. [ Acknowledge the weight of all that one carries and hold it, if only for a moment, to remind yourself of the choices you made. Or the choices that were made for someone. ] I understand that. It was the reason I looked into my daughter's eyes as I took her life. I did not want to hide from it, at least for that moment. It was all I had. [ It's strange for her to approve of this in some way. In most cases she would not. But this, this desire to feel all of it, she can understand. She can't fault someone for wanting to have it anyway they could. ]

I hope this day brings you some peace.

[glowsferatu]

Were I capable of it, I might hope the same.

[ hope will always be a loaded concept to her, given the way everything went down, what powers were used and how. her hope was destroyed, and with hope. even after all this time, she still can't see it as anything positive. ]

Did you? Find some sort of peace, I mean.

[justimom]

[ There's a long stretch of silence here. ] No. I have not.

[glowsferatu]

[ kanaya smiles at that, in a quiet, sad way. ]

That's...reassuring, actually. There is some small comfort in knowing that it isn't simply because I've been doing something wrong. [ that even if there is something inherently broken in her, it at least doesn't mean she's more broken than anyone else might be. ] This is simply how it will be.

I can accept that.

[justimom]

I...am glad you can find comfort in it. [ She's a bit surprised by that but actually...glad she can give something. ] Perhaps it will not always be so, but for a while I think it will be.

[glowsferatu]

No but, you see, I'm thinking about this and...I think there's a certain freedom to hopelessness. To be able to surrender your expectations of some illusory definition of happiness and simply recognize that where you are is where you will be. There's less need to pretend, that way.

Because happiness, it isn't a natural state, it is simply a context. Happiness is when your happenings are favorable. And maybe they never will be, maybe they don't have to be. But being unhappy has nothing to do with who you really are. Do you understand what I mean?

[ she's drunk and rambling. "no" is a perfectly acceptable answer. ]

[justimom]

Perhaps slightly. Though I think you might be rambling a bit. Do you really believe that happiness only occurs to an individual when their happenings are favorable?

[glowsferatu]

Well. It doesn't tend to occur when they aren't, in my experience. It honestly couldn't be more straightforward.

Are you saying you disagree?

[justimom]

In some instances, yes. I think people can find happiness in seeing others happy.

[glowsferatu]

But is that not itself a happening?

[justimom]

Yes, but it doesn't solely revolve around happiness occurring to you.

[glowsferatu]

Well, no, I never said it would have to be. My point was more that happiness doesn't come from ourselves to begin with, so if seeing its occurrence in others would give you happiness, that would be more an example of my point than any sort of proof against.