001; audio

[bestever]

--it, alright, I think I got this figured out. Man, not even holo capabilities? This is downright primitive.

"If it's so primitive, why did it take you so long to work out?"

Hey, I've got an idea. How about you shut the fuck up? This is like... Trying to write an email with a stick in the sand, for me.

"That doesn't make any sense."

[there's a theatrical sigh, and a short pause while the speaker does the verbal equivalent of straightening the wrinkles out of your shirt, before more obviously addressing the network at large.]

Okay, now that that's dealt with. Goooood morning, America! Or evening. Or afternoon? What're the timezones included in this network? [... right. that doesn't really matter. get to the point.] Some of you have already met my colleagues, but since Wash is about as useful as a single left sock, I thought I'd do y'all the favor of introducing myself.

The name's-- [this seems to throw him for a loop for a split second, clearly not having through this part out prior. he picks back up again after an instant, apparently having resolved some internal debate faster than usual.] The name's Church, but this asshole has already been going around introducing me as Epsilon. So, to avoid any possible confusion, those are the same people. [... sort of? church please don't get into this now.] Well, they are here, anyway. I am. The me.

Oh, speaking of here? What's the deal with this, anyway? I mean yeah, okay, I paid attention to the welcome wagon, but... Well, first of all, if I was going to actually be helpful, not being tied down to a mechanical corpse probably would have been a better approach. Second? [he steadily gets more shrill on this final point, ending up yelling; ] I think I might be starting to get a little tired of getting dragged into stupid fake bullshit militaristic propaganda clusterfucks! Like, seriously? How many does it have to be before I hit the quota or whate--

[the transmission cuts off amidst a flurry of cusses and grunts, as wash shoves his shoulder and fumblefights with him to stop the recording.]

Comments

permatext

[hypnotherapy]

That's some interesting wording to use. Is the corpse yours originally? [ HE'S NOT SURE WHETHER IT'S POLITE TO ASK IF YOU'RE A GHOST OR NOT, DUDE ]

permavoice;

[bestever]

[ignoring the question but also sort of somehow answering it??] Look, I'm just being realistic. Even without my idiot teammates around to fuck things up, I don't have the best of luck with robot bodies. Of any kind. It just... It never seems to work out.

So if I'm walking around in this thing, it's only a matter of time before it gets wrecked.

[hypnotherapy]

Well, look on the bright side. At least it's a robot body.

Human bodies are much more fragile and high-maintenance, I have to say.

[bestever]

Oh, suuuuure. That makes me feel so much better about getting shot.

video;

[ursawhiner]

Dude. It's a good thing you can't have an aneurysm.

audio;

[bestever]

[and suddenly on the defensive:] What! Says who? I totally could if I tried, you know!

[ursawhiner]

You already told me you're an AI!

[bestever]

[a pause.] Wait... Right. Aneurysm is that thing with the veins, right?

text; (id: Maine)

[maime]

[Ok so Maine definitely hear Wash's voice, and then his name, but he's never heard of anyone named Epsilon. But he's pretty sure that's a greek letter which would mean if he knows Wash then... probably an AI in some sort of robot body? If that's what he meant by mechanical corpse.]

Isn't Church the Director's name
Seems kinda confusing for you to use it

audio;

[bestever]

[ooooh, shit. right, he'd kind of forgotten that the only person he might kind of know (for a given value of "know") is one of the ones whose life was completely and irreversibly ruined by the chaotically unfolding Church Drama. one of the many, many ones. so, he deals with it in typical church fashion: moving onto the next thought as swiftly as possible.] Uuuuuh, well. Yeah, it is, I guess. But he's not here, is he?

[there's a beat, before he pipes up again, sounding a lot more shrill and somewhat tense.]

... Is he?

text;

[maime]

[You can't hear the snorting laugh but in the pause before the response please feel free to imagine it.]

No
Probably not
Yet

TEXT;

[worstever]

You're an embarrassment. I'd like to state that publicly.

audio;

[bestever]

Your face is an embarrassment.

TEXT;

[worstever]

Are you twelve?

TEXT;

[maime]

Tell me this isn't the AI they gave you

[Hi I'm here to help you throw shade]

TEXT;

[worstever]

Okay. I won't tell you.

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

[His name is Church??]

Wait... so you're not Agent President?

permavoice;

[bestever]

Uh, it's. Sort of the same thing, where I'm from.

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

How?

audio

[youbastard]

I wondered the same thing, about there being a quota. I stopped wondering, I don't think there is one. It'll just keep going. Which really just leaves me wondering why there's so much militaristic propaganda everywhere in the first place. You'd think it'd just run out.

audio;

[bestever]

Good lord. What, does this thing just target people who are used to it on the assumption that they won't complain?

audio;

[youbastard]

Honestly I've considered that. Not too many come from completely awful situations though. Not enough to assume that.

voice

[runningstart]

[A FELLOW MALCONTENT]

No you know what's even more idiotic than the military "fight those reds!" crap? That they'll just drop your friends in here and then snatch them right back without so much as an email and then drop them right back WITHOUT HAVING EVEN SENT THEM BACK!

My little brother was gone for two weeks and he doesn't remember a thing! What the hell!

permavoice;

[bestever]

Dude, we haven't been fighting with the Reds for like, eight years or something, now. And whoa, slow down, there! What's all this about back and forth?

[runningstart]

You're missing a couple decades in that estimate, dude.

People up and disappear and it's kind of common to assume they go back home? Since most people remember going back home, and then sometimes they'll show back up here and stuff but when they're home they don't remember here and sometimes when they come back here they don't remember being here before but sometimes they do.

Like a revolving door but occasionally with amnesia.