003 | video

[textualhealing]

[It's video time with Jeff! Why can't he just do text like normal people, you ask? Because then the world wouldn't be able to see his beautiful face, duh. He's at his desk, lounging like a pro with a full glass of scotch held at eye line, managing to look somewhat thoughtful as he keeps his narrowed eyes on the alcohol before him.]

I went home like a month ago. Did one of those away for a day, lived a year things. Kinda makes you wonder what game the Porter's playing with crap like that, some weird ass brand of temptation and torture all in one.

So, real talk here, imPorts... If we all got told they didn't want us any more, that we got 24 hours to decide whether to go home or stay here forever, what would you do? Is what you built up here enough to keep you? Or are you just gonna be counting down the hours to get back and see those you left behind?

Pretty deep stuff, huh?

[He finally looks to the camera, just starting to reach to turn it off, before...]

Oh! And uh, season one of my show is drawing to a close soon. I know you've all been watching it avidly. Gotta start considering my options for next season, so wanna guest star? Got ideas? Wanna be in the crew? Hit me up. Time to make season two even better than the first. [And he's out, with a final, winning smile.]

Comments

[heavyhitter]

Easy, my grandma.

What if you could bring in whoever you wanted, no number limit?

[textualhealing]

Then I'd bring in everyone I like. Duh.

[heavyhitter]

Which is...? Come on, asshole, tell me about your friends. You apparently have some!

[textualhealing]

I lied. I don't have any friends. I'd just bring my mom. [No he wouldn't.]

[heavyhitter]

Oh my god, you're so bad at this.

[textualhealing]

I know. Isn't it great?!

[heavyhitter]

No, it's lame. You can't even be convincing about it when you lie?

[textualhealing]

Would you prefer if I lied convincingly?

[heavyhitter]

Uh, yeah. Put a little work into it for me!

[textualhealing]

Okay, look... [Heavy siiiigh.] There's this guy back home that I've been missing. We used to spend a lot of time together and he's just kinda been absent lately. I thought maybe if he showed up here then things could be different, that maybe we could do more crap together that wasn't just movie nights on my couch. I guess he's the one I'd bring here.

[Making all the shit up, but at least he's putting some attempt into his lies now.]

[heavyhitter]

[ see, that's better ]

Awww. That's sad. Is he gonna break up with you?

[textualhealing]

I dunno, it's been so long. We've kinda fallen out of love. But I think once his new movie is out it'll all be okay again.

[heavyhitter]

I dunno, man. You really think some free time will rekindle it? Maybe he gets used to doing shit without you around, you know what I mean?

[textualhealing]

I don't think Daniel Craig even knows I exist to be honest, which is a fucking travesty.

[heavyhitter]

[ there's a quick pause, then an amused laugh ]

You know, it really is. Well for your sake, I hope the Porter does you a solid one day and he can realize what he's missing out on.

[textualhealing]

[Aww yih, he got her to laugh. Success.]

Here's hoping. She kinda owes me.

You sure it's still just your grandma you want?

[heavyhitter]

I mean, if I could have a bunch, I'd take everyone my grandma worked with, too. And Tom Cruise while I'm at it. He and Daniel might get along.

[textualhealing]

Tom Cruise? The scientology doesn't put you off?