05 | text | backdated to nov 4

[deadtective]

[anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have Hazel stumble through their inbox in recent hours may have an inkling as to what this post is about. everyone else...good luck, sorry.]

I don't actually have a goddamn thing to say to any of you people. I'm just making this post because I can.

I mean, shit, look at me. Typing up a post! With legible sentences!! Completely fucking coherent without a single goddamn mistyped word to be found! Spellcheck couldn't keep up with me if it wanted to, my fingers are flying across the keys so fast.

And do you know why? Because I fucking won. I blasted those goddamn moon runes and their bullshit back into Jupiter's orbit where they belong. Somebody WHO KNOWS EXACTLY WHO HE IS tried to bring me down with that alien garbage and he couldn't do it!!! Nobody can fucking beat me. Nobody.

Fuck!! I feel like I should be building a tower out of Webster's dictionaries and planting an American flag at the top or something. At the very least I should go price that shit out; just being able to read all these webpages again is making me cry.

[for someone who 'didn't have a goddamn thing to say' she sure is excitedly rambling. that point is lost on Hazel, unfortunately.]

Comments

[unbreaker]

THATS BECAUSE U LEFT ME WITH A BUNCH OF SHIT U WANTED ME TO DO 4 U aND ONLY TOLD ME AT THE LAST MINUTE

[Oh yeah, he remembers that now.]

this is different tho u took off for more than a few hours and u were heading outta state 2

kanaya and i are just taking the egg 2 the zoo

[That is, if she agrees. If not, Josuke will be spending time on his own with the animals like a total loser.]

[deadtective]

Considering how time stretches minutes into years when you're with Kanaya, I think it's pretty much the same.

Besides, you're reliable! Trustworthy! You live like four houses down from me!! I knew you could handle that shit no problem.

[unbreaker]

maybe 4 u cuz i bet u miss me so much
but time flows just fine 4 me when im with her

oh and NOW ur saying im reliable n shit, where was that confidence a few minutes ago when we were talking about ur boyfriend?

[deadtective]

What? No!! It's because I'm thinking of ways to kill one or both of us, it has nothing to do with you.

And how the fuck did I go from zero to two boyfriends in less than a month anyway?? I take back all those goddamn compliments, I should have never let you keep my garden alive!

[unbreaker]

come on kanayas not that bad

especially if u can put up with tetsuo

but hey since ur so close 2 him maybe next time u should just ask him 2 look after ur plants instead

im sure thatll go fine
as long as he doesnt see ne bees

[deadtective]

I can't let him near my plants, he's a treefucker. Come on, Josuke, have a little compassion for the baby seedlings.

[unbreaker]

wsadfkasg

wait what
wtf

[deadtective]

He'll stick his dick in anything that carries out photosynthesis, didn't you know?

1/3

[unbreaker]

2/3

[unbreaker]

[Wait a second...!]

[unbreaker]

WHY THEFUCKING HELL DO YO U LET HIM CLAL U HAZEL TREE THEN WHAT THE SHIT IS WRONG WITH U

[deadtective]

[JESUS FUCKING CHRIST Hazel had honestly not made that connection when she started this joke, and for a moment all she can do is howl with unrestrained laughter. her reply doesn't come for a couple minutes because she's shaking too hard to hold onto the comm properly.]

It's not like I had any idea before yesterday, you know! You're making it sound like it's my fault.

[unbreaker]

IM NOT SAYING IT IS ALL IM SAYING IS HES SLEEPING OVER AT UR HOUSE OVER MY DEAD BODY

[deadtective]

Not much you can do from way over in the reptile wing, dude.

[unbreaker]

I WOULDNT BE TAKING THE FUCKING EGG TO THE REPTILE WING WHADDYA THINK I AM A FUCKING IDIOT?!

and i mean this is kinda an emergency

[It's really not.]

im sure kanaya wont mind me rescheduling!

[deadtective]

I don't know, she's pretty strict about appointments. You might be locked into this for good.

What would you do anyway, plant your ass on my bed and make sullen baby faces at anyone that passed by?

[unbreaker]

we work together shell get over it

and maybe
i mean better me on ur bed than that jerk right?

[deadtective]

Bailing on a coworker, Josuke? That's bad form.

You sure as hell seem to think so, at least. Meanwhile I don't even remember inviting you over..?

[unbreaker]

its FIIIIIIIINE she wont even care shes probably got other shit 2 do neway

and since when do i fucking need an invite i got a key the key is its own invite!!

[deadtective]

Other shit to do instead of the weeklong event you guys have been building up to?

THAT KEY IS FOR EASE OF ACCESS NOT CONSTANT OPEN INVITATIONS AND YOU KNOW IT

[unbreaker]

i mean probably yeah it happens!

AND THIS IS TTLY A 4 EASE OF ACCESS SITUATION OK

[deadtective]

If you're an enormous bitch, maybe. Or if those plans never existed in the first place...

THERE IS NOTHING EASE OF ACCESS ABOUT THIS JOSUKE I SWEAR TO GOD I BETTER NOT SEE YOUR DUMB ASS COMING THROUGH THE DOOR ANYTIME SOON

[unbreaker]

SHES NOT A BITCH AND THE PLANS WERE REAL SHUT UP

AND UR NOT GONNA SEE MY ASS IF YOU DONT STARE AT IT BUT IM COMING OVER IM ON MY WAY RIGHT NOW

[deadtective]

SHE'S THE BIGGEST BITCH HERE ASIDE FROM ME AND YOU WERE TOTALLY LYING YOU LITTLE SHIT

I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING SEE ANYTHING I'LL HOLD THIS STUPID DOOR CLOSED MYSELF IF I HAVE TO

[unbreaker]

idk what u got against her but shes always been pretty nice 2 me
maybe if u lightened up a little bit 4 once!

and i wasnt lying! u can ask her urself!

[PLEASE DON'T.]

but hey whatever
i was only gnna come over 2 look out 4 u if u dont want me 2 then whatever
forget it
i wont