VIDEO; a public service announcement

[glitterateur]

[Aw, look, it’s a cute little preteen! And she is definitely not in jail. Though she does look very serious (in her very serious sweater) as she addresses the camera.]

Hi! For anybody I don’t know, my name’s Mabel! Mabel Pines. And today I have good news and also bad news that has some good news? The totally good news is that I’m doing sweater commissions! So if anybody needs a last minute Hanukkah gift or something for Christmas or any other holiday, just let me know. All I need is a size and what design you want and you’ve got it! My rates are very reasonable.

Now the bad news! So... people might have seen that video on the network last week? The creepy one where the guy who looks like my brother was all like today I’m gonna walk on glass and freak everybody out? Well-- long story short but that’s actually not Dipper! That’s a demon. His name’s Bill and he’s pretty evil and also he can take over people’s bodies. [She looks off camera for a second before continuing.]

Which is all kinds of freaky, right? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! There're ways to tell if you're dealing with him or not.

[She holds up a pair of visual aids to the screen. Marvel at this 13 year old's artistic skills.]

And I’ve got these in helpful pamphlet form, too, for anybody who wants. See, I told you there was more good news! So, just to recap-- creepy wrong pupils is bad, triangles are extra bad, and please don’t just punch Dipper or anyone else you might suspect before you check for the warning signs.

--oh and if you’re gonna call us probably don’t call Stan first? It’s bad if his communicator thing goes off during one of his [Airquotes:] “business deals.” It scares the pugs.

[Mabel gives the camera a thumbs up!! Before turning it off.]

Comments

[nostalgiabomb]

And occasionally, inflicting terrible, smutty literature on her unsuspecting friends.

Which, by the way, was the greatest crime of them all. Don't think I'll ever be able to scrub those words out of my brain.

[stealwithit]

Peter--shh!

There are children around.

[ SORRY DIPPER AND MABEL?? Also don't listen to Kasumi, she and Joker literally read smut out loud on the network. It was such terrible smut it may as well not have been smut but whatever. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

Goto, these kids are literally dealing with a demon problem. I think they can hear the words "smutty literature" and not spontaneously combust.

[stealwithit]

[ Her words follow on the tail end of his, almost like she didn't really listen to what he said. (She didn't. This is more important.) ]

By the way, did you know Ken and Dipper are boyfriends now?

[nostalgiabomb]

Wait, what? Aren't they both, like, eight?

[stealwithit]

Ken's twelve. Dipper... You know, I have no clue. I don't know him much beyond the fact that he didn't shower regularly...

[nostalgiabomb]

[ A pause, then, ]

Dude. Gross.

[stealwithit]

Dude, that's what I said.

But apparently, Tacos [ that's Dippers nickname, obviously ] didn't shower for like a week. Next thing I know, Mabel's sending me a text to thank me for scolding him into showering? Also, apparently Ken told him to and now he showers regularly?

Is this, like, a teenage boy thing? Not showering?

[nostalgiabomb]

... Tacos?

And, I dunno. I grew up with a bunch of fully grown alien dudes with varying senses of cleanliness. And considering I spent most of my teenage life covered in engine grease, I opted for the nonflammable route and showered pretty frequently?

[stealwithit]

That's Dipper's nickname. He didn't shower for a week and had to ask while he still smelled like tacos for so long.

And--probably a good call, going for the nonflammable route in your teenage years, especially now that hot is your default setting?

[ too hot, hot damn, etc. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Mimicking her earlier inflection-- ]

Kasumi--! Shh!

There are children around.

[stealwithit]

[ Mimicking his earlier inflection-- ]

Quill, these kids are literally dealing with a demon problem. I think they can hear someone flirt with someone else and not spontaneously combust.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ And still as Kasumi, ]

Well, okay, but ignoring everything you said--

Did you know I'm totally invested in the love lives of two six-year-olds?

[stealwithit]

Okay, they're not six, but also--remind me to bring you along next time I need to get through something with voice recognition.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Dutifully, in his own voice, ]

Kasumi, bring me along next time you need to get through something with voice recognition.

Because apparently the second time through the Porter made me a parrot.

[stealwithit]

Quill, do you realize how much power you have.

Think of all the things you could do with that.

[nostalgiabomb]

Prank calls?

'Cause I'm thinking prank calls.

[stealwithit]

Hell yes.

Also, karaoke night.

[nostalgiabomb]

... Karaoke? Seriously?

... Why?

[stealwithit]

Because, Peter, you could take on, like, Frank Sinatra's smooth and silky voice and then sing one of those Taylor Swift songs Charlie listens to. Or do Elvis singing "ABC." Or anything your heart desires.

[nostalgiabomb]

Well, I could do that any time I wanted.

--Also, seriously, you want me to sing one of those weird, girly songs Charlie likes? For real?

[stealwithit]

Yeah, but you'd have to step up your game for karaoke. So much pressure to perform well.

And--hey, some of her songs are catchy.