maskormenace | 003

[ Good evening, Masks and Menaces. Tonight, you will be treated (or possibly, weirded out or perplexed) by a video feed of a ~mysterious~ hooded woman, sitting at some dimly lit place with her elbow resting on a table and her chin resting on her hand. She's not looking at the camera directly -- she rarely ever does, because she's obviously too cool for that, but she does have the slightest hint of a smile across her lips. ]

So, I don't normally do this kind of thing, but I figured at this point, anything's fair game.

--and no, I'm not here to read more smutty literature out loud. A girl's gotta have some secrets.

[ said resident secret enigma lady of mystery, Kasumi Goto. ]

Anyway, to all the newbies: welcome. I don't know what you all have been told about this place so far by other people, but all I can really contribute is that it's a wild ride, being here. You may inquire below for more details if you so wish.

To the rest of us: happy new year. And I do mean that sincerely, despite the terrible start we've been off to, so far. I want to say that maybe we'll get a lull again, like we have the other times that something truly offensive has happened -- but word on the street is that the Russians are yelling angrily about something, so I kind of doubt that's going to be the case.

For now, let's just all try to relax, alright? I'm pretty sure stress is bad for your complexion.

... Also, fun fact, but I-- [ she sighs. So maybe she didn't really mean to make this post to address the general masses, because who does that? But because she's so Conflicted about the Worst (or Best?) Anniversary Ever that she needs. Something. Drinks. People to feel all bitter and/or nostalgic with. Mostly she doesn't want to be alone. ]

You know what, I've been here a year, as of today. Officially. So...

I think I speak for most of us -- whether it's because all the pandemonium [ get it? ] has got you needing a little pick-me-up, or because you've also just realized you've been stuck here for a year -- when I say: I need a drink. Or soul food. Or both. I guess that's what I really meant by relax. Let's see if we can actually enjoy something around here, for once. Maybe have a do-over of New Year's?

What're the best bars and food joints around the Porter cities? I've got my favorites picked out, mostly in Heropa and Nonah, but I'm always open to new experiences.

[ come party with space thief, y/n? ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Have you been thinking about the past a lot?

[ Said from one professional memory-dweller to another. ]

I often relive the past, Kasumi.

[Says the guy with eidetic memory.]

Ah. I guess I'm the closest thing to humans being able to actually relive memories, with my graybox.

[ Then, in a space of a breath, she switches into a private channel. ]

I've been meaning to ask you, Thane... Is it difficult for you? Being able to relive the past like that?

At times, yes. Humans talk about memories fading, and the pain along with them. I wonder what that's like.

[He pauses for a moment.]

My memories aren't simply images, sounds. They are everything as they occurred. Scents, sensations. Tastes. If I was shot, and recall the time, it's as though I was shot again, and only looking at my unwounded shoulder reminds me it was a memory.

But if you recall something nice, does that go any differently? Do you remember and live through the same emotions you felt when it was happening?

I ask because--I mean, it's been a year for me now, and I've spent a lot of time on mine and Keiji's grayboxes...

[He nods.] I do.

[but then he frowns.] The past is a dangerous place, Kasumi, and easy to become lost in.

I-- I know.

[ But it's the only way she'd convinced herself that she had to live, for a time. If she had Keiji's graybox, if she could recall both of their memories as perfectly as their implants recorded them, it'd be like he was still there. Like they were still together.

After a year -- even after a few months, however, it became clear to Kasumi how that wasn't right. It wasn't good for her, and people told her as much, but that didn't make it any easier to break away from. Perhaps many of the things she'd done in this place were done largely as a distraction from the fact that she's still wishing for Keiji. ]

Someone [ that was Kaidan ] told me before, that the Porter sometimes brings people in who'd died in their original worlds. I guess by knowing that, I... Thought maybe the Porter would somehow bend to my whim and bring Keiji, or something. So I kept going back into his memories.

[He frowns.] And perhaps he will. [He folds his hands in front of him.] Is that what Keiji would want, or would he want you to live your life knowing, when your story is written, you will meet him again?

... I don't know. He didn't want me to keep his memories. But when I got them back with Shepard, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

[ Another pause. She realizes she's unloading a lot of her Tragic Story unto Thane with little to no prior notice, and she does feel guilty, but there's an unspoken trust she feels for someone who's served on the crew with her--especially one who's familiar with loss, as most of them tend to be. ]

I'm sorry, Thane. I didn't really intend for the conversation to take this turn, but I guess I've been reflecting a lot about how I've spent my time here.

[He shakes his head.]

Not at all. It sounds as though you need to talk. For whatever time you need, I will listen.

If you're seeking advice, I'll do my best to give it.

[ She's rendered speechless for a moment; she doesn't think she was expecting any different of an answer from Thane, but to actually hear him offering her his support is something else. ]

... Thank you, Thane. I really do appreciate that.

I guess you could say I'm just having trouble grasping how different my life has been, here. I mean, apart from the obvious differences. A friend of mine once told me that Keiji wouldn't have wanted me to hide myself away, and that he'd want me to move on, but I don't know if I'm betraying myself or--worse, betraying Keiji, by doing that.

[ she gives a rueful little laugh at herself. ] Isn't that strange?

No, not strange.

[He folds his hands atop his desk again, his large green eyes watching the video feed with some intensity.]

Keiji will always hold a special place in your heart. I would hazard a guess it's very similar to the place my wife still holds in mine. I know Irikah would not want me to live in a past that can never be. If Keiji loved you, I'm sure he would feel the same.

I...

[ She gives a rueful smile, and although her eyes are mostly obscured by her hood, her gaze moves downward, like she can't find it in her to look at anyone, right now. ]

I know that's how I would feel, too, if the situation was reversed.

Then you know what you must do.

[He smiles slightly, his voice gentle, as it must have been when he spoke to his son when he was younger.]

Now you must find the courage in your heart to do what you must.

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