✁ 002

[bestsword]

Hey there, imPorts, I’m Captain Tucker. [he’s standing alone in front of the camera, though. the reason becomes apparent when a sallow palm waves in front of it, indicating whoever’s filming.] And I’m… I guess still private? Whatever. It’s just Church.

And we’re here to help you get the most out of your valentine’s this year.

[there’s a displeased grunt; sounds like somebody resents being involved.] Well. He is. I’m here to make sure that his advice doesn’t totally ruin your lives.

Wow, thanks for the endorsement, asshole. [Tucker snorts but does not look fazed in the least.] Everyone knows Valentine’s was created to help singles get laid, so that’s what we’re going to help you do.

Oh, my god. No, it absolutely wasn’t. Doesn’t it usually just make them feel like shit? I thought everybody spent Singles’ Awareness Day in the company of booze and Netflix. [They, Church?? Who do you mean by THEY.]

Sure they do, if they don’t have any of my guaranteed patented pick up lines. [Someone stop him.] Now, when you give one of these lines, it’s all about the delivery. The confidence. Say it knowing you’ll get laid. Jesus christ.

So, here are some lines you can use, free of charge, courtesy me. Jesus christ. [He clears his throat, stands up taller.] Hey, baby, if I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head? Even less than your chances of getting tail. Oh - or: I hear you're looking for a stud, I've got the std, all I need is u. Wh-- How the hell is that a selling point? You might as well just introduce yourself as Jerkoff McCrotchrot.

Better yet! I'm an astro-gynecologist and my next mission is to explore Uranus. [Church’s voice is getting steadily louder and more indignant.] Oh, come on! That’s not even what a gynecologist does! Oh man or: Do you work at Subway? Because you gave me a footlong. That is not how b-- Ugh.

Seriously. Have any of these ever actually worked for you? Any of them. Please. I need to know.

They got me Wash didn’t they? I’d say that guarantees they work.

Pffft, yeah right. You couldn’t-- Sorry, wait, what? Who!? [The feed snaps off suddenly, but not before the microphone catches a second of wordless shrieking.]

Comments

[ text ]

[enucleation]

[ JESUS CHRIST indeed ]

No. [ just no. ]

[bestsword]

C'mon, at least give 'em a try. Promise they work.

voice;

[bestever]

[a relieved sigh, before a simple:] Thank you.

text

[stealwithit]

Also consider: are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is out of this world.

[bestsword]

That one got overused when people actually did start going to space.

voice;

[bestever]

It turns out that real life space pants aren't really made to show off your physique. A real downside to mankind's exploration of the last frontier.

[Video]

[monge]

[Golly, he must have put a lot of work into thinking up all those funny sentences. Hard work deserves recognition.]

Those were really nice, but I don't think you need to tell jokes to lay stuff on the floor, zura!

[You can just, like, ...do that.]

[bestsword]

[Oh that.... That's too pure.]

Yeah, I'll be laying something on the floor all night.

video;

[ursawhiner]

[Dipper is about 95% sure he wasn't supposed to read any of that. But more importantly:]

Wait, you and Wash???

[bestsword]

[NO NOT THE SMOL SON.]

Uuuuh yeah. Sort of. Shit kinda worked out.

text;

[maime]

several questions
1. do you have an std
2. did you really use these on Wash
3. why do you think his opinions are a selling point

video

[bestsword]

Christ.

One, no. Two, maybe. Three, that's really shortselling yourself, dude.

[worstever]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[HIS OPINIONS ARE GREAT AND OBJECTIVELY TRUE]

action; right after it cuts off

[bestever]

[blinking hard, church shuts the recording down intentionally, it's not just because he crashes. but his expression still has a bit of the 'blue screen of death' look about it. without a rifle to hang on to, his hands do a lot of the talking -- or, right now? the screaming. he gestures wildly, and the facsimile of a face he was given is scrunched up in offense.] What the fuck, dude!

perma action

[bestsword]

What, what the fuck?! What'd I do!

[fuckai]

[Church was going to say something re: all these bs pick-up lines, but...]

WHAT?!

perma audio

[bestsword]

[OH GOD NOW THEY'RE BOTH SHOUTING christ, angry church in stereo.]

WHAT 'WHAT'??

VOICE; here he comes................

[worstever]

YOU PUT THIS ON THE PUBLIC NETWORK?

oh 2/2.

[worstever]

This it is. The final thing that destroys my reputation forever.

video

[dendarii]

[ Dammit, he wishes he could see more of the filmer. Have a funny looking dude with a fresh scar on his face. ]

You're Church?

perma video

[bestsword]

It's A Church, sure.

[cuff]

[ Once Ray gets over how ingenuous some of those are... ]

Think if any of those actually work, the chick's just taking pity on you.

[bestsword]

[Don't be hatin, Ray.]

Or maybe they can accept a guy who thinks outside the box for his lines.

video

[missleadingquestions]

[just. this face.

she sees you talking to Komasan, Tuck. Er, hears you. It's not private, okay.]

[bestsword]

Hey, Maya.

[COME OOOONNNNNN HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING.]

video;

[totty]

Ehehe~ I guess everyone's got a method...

[who's this smug fucker]

[bestsword]

I just showed mine, sounds like you got your own to share.

text

[failureisntachoice]

Which Church is this?

[ She needs to know how embarrassed she should be. ]

[bestsword]

Dos point oh.

[Yeah they still keep that shit pronunciation up, Tex.]

video

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

...I understood like, none of that, but I'm still pretty sure I wasn't supposed to hear it.

[bestsword]

[NOT YOU TOO LITTLE BLUE]

Psh, nah. You'll start hearing it more when you grow up, it'll be fine!

video

[burnseternal]

[Guess who got literally none of those? This guy.]

My. I had been told that people on Earth were fond of puns, but this certainly confirms it.

[Maybe he'll google them...]

[bestsword]

[Oh right, that alien dude that switched with Caboose a while back.]

Hey, puns are the base of all pick up lines. And a lot of bad jokes. Could have told you that months ago, man.

[givetheslip]

[dryly]

I don't understand any of those lines but I'm certain they are all terrible.

[bestsword]

Come on, they're not that bad. I actually put some work into those, for the sake of anyone who needs them.

text

[rathercommon]

I actually heard that coin line already. A few days ago. Did someone else also come up with it, or have you actually been using it and it's spreading?

voice;

[bestever]

Oh, trust me. If Tucker's spreading anything, it's not a line. [... wait. shit. isn't this one of the little one's accounts?]