FEBRUARY 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: FEBRUARY 10TH, 2016

THE FEELING OF FREEDOM, OF SEEIN' THE LIGHT
As seen in local and national newspapers via press release:
There's a new musical taking Broadway by storm. It's called Franklin!, and is a musical portrait of the Founding Father Benjamin Franklin. No children are allowed; the lead actor is nude for the majority of the show.

The first performance was dedicated to imPort Kitty Jones, who happens to be one of director Miranda Lynne Manwell's favorite people.

#WEAPAWNED AMIRITE?
As seen reblogged on Rumblr, Instagraham, and Bwitter:
Photos of ImPorts in various mundane or silly circumstances or poses tagged with #weapon are spreading from rumblr to other social media platforms in response to the war Russia declared on the United States. The Government released a recent broadcast to the network that hinted that it only viewed imPorts as ‘weapons’. With the success of the imPorts' recent mission, and the idea that they had the fewest amount of casualties seen in a mission op, are they really weapons? Or are they people?

An online rumormonger has outed locals Vanessa McInnis, arcade employee, and Pink Princess producer Jocelyn Jamison as part of the photographic culprits along with imPorts Maya Fey, girl-next-door, and alleged Vampire Queen Marceline Abadeer. But could this been nothing more than a smear campaign? Who else is involved?

FLASH DANCE
As seen on BlueTube:
Have you heard about the dazzling Heropan imPort singing sensations? Two talented imPorts were spotted at a local karaoke hot spot in Heropa earlier in the month, singing like angels. Other patrons captured several videos of Barry Allen and Cisco Ramon singing and dancing their way through a number of 80s hits, and several fansites dedicated to them have since popped up in the week following. Will we hear more from this talented twosome? Their growing fanbase certainly hopes so!

MISSILE MEASURING CONTEST
As seen reported in international news and major national newspapers:
President Freemason has declared that an additional $2,000,000,000 will be invested in NASA's space weaponry expansion program to compete with growing fears of Soviet cosmic advancement. The recent Soviet aggression is not to be taken lightly, says White House spokesperson Veronica Jupiter. The United States will double down on defense efforts, beginning from the top down.

FROM ONE DRUG DEALER TO ANOTHER
As seen listed in The New York Times Shortlist and heard on Public Radio Book Reviews:
Doctor Frederick Chilton's brand new psychiatric text The Methodical Walter White will debut on February 13th, 2016. The fascinating case study of imPort chemist turned kingpin Walter White examines how power and influence can provoke latent personality disorders -- specifically that of malignant narcissism.

"Walt was as much as a villain within a tragedy as he was the tragedy itself," said Doctor Chilton in an interview. "Narcissism has a corrosive quality to it, and eventually things that Walt sincerely cherished, things and people, began to disintegrate. Metaphorically, of course. This extended to his own perception to the point that the more control he attained, the more he felt out of control."

The Methodical Walter White can be found in hard copy wherever books are sold, or digitally for convenience.

SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDIDE CAMERA
As seen on the local Nonah news:
The city of Nonah welcomes the sudden influx of dentists with bright smiles! Over the past couple of weeks dozens of dentists and their perfectly normal families have moved into the area.

"Thank you for the warm welcome," said new resident and longtime dentist Boris Smith. "I really cannot wait to open my practice here. Nonah is like the best of all possible worlds for my family and myself, we are very happy to be here."

Mrs. Natasha Smith has already begun her beautiful homemaking. Her hydrangeas, it should be noted, are miraculous.

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
As seen on the 24-hour national news cycle and in brief on the international news cycle:
Secretary of Defense Janice Sublime took to primetime air on Wednesday night. Secretary Sublime officially offers the gratitude of a nation to the imPort diplomats, rescues, leaders, and warriors who had so boldly fought against Soviet hostility and brutality.

"You are all truly heroes," she said. "You have proven that swiftly and bravely. The sadistic efforts of the Soviet regime have come to naught, and they would do well to understand that imPorts are our citizens, and our friends."

Secretary Sublime reminds those who had survived the hostage crisis that crisis counselors and other health resources have been made available for imPort use, should anyone require that aid.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from TWILIGHT to DAWN, because it looks as if we are past the worst of our darkest hour, citizens!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

not here

[hostage]

[You're dead, Chilton.]

not here

[infomodder]

not here

[slightlyoffchilt]

text;

[textualhealing]

Gonna steal 100 of those books just to burn them.
Not even gonna buy. Just steal.

text;

[slightlyoffchilt]

The retailers already paid the publishing house.

Congratulations on your role in Franklin!, by the way. No one else as histrionic as the description declares comes to mind.

text;

[textualhealing]

Gonna steal from the publishing house. Shut up.

And idk if that's meant to be an insult, but we both know I'd totally do a show naked, so whatever. I wasn't asked.

text

[huntergames]

is it a boring or bad book

text

[textualhealing]

Both! Don't read it.

voice;

[angelfire]

So I see you got your bestseller after all. Congratulations.

voice;

[slightlyoffchilt]

Should I interpret this congratulations as praise?

voice;

[angelfire]

Oh, I don't need to praise you, really. The deep, personal satisfaction you must get out of seeing your prose in print is more than enough. I do admire your commitment, though; I understand the great perils you endured researching your subject matter.

video;

[helpline]

[ and now for something that's not on the 'gdi Chilton' train... ]

I hope the musical's got a song about a turkey. It's not a proper Franklin musical without turkeys.

video;

[inmyothertights]

There's an entire rock ballad about a turkey.

[Guess who was Kitty's date.]

[voice]

[timecapture]

There's no way it's over.

voice

[dreamshades]

Hm, well, is someone willing to send me a copy of that book. Jail is getting awfully boring. [ He could use a good laugh. ]

[rathercommon]

MIRANDA LYNNE MANWELL IS A GENIUS. Seriously, Franklin is bloody BRILLIANT.

[inmyothertights]

Well, I can say it was better than Rent.

permatext

[deadtective]

Pretty sure Maya Fey is only a girl next door in fucking slasher films. Just saying.

Also who the hell is picking on arcade chick? I'll fucking kick their asses, she puts up with enough garbage already.

[bassriff]

c'mon she's not THAT bad

text

[pobrecisco]

wait what

WHAT

[pobrecisco]

we have FANS???

text;

[fayzedandconfused]

hi is your name cisco? someone said i should talk to you about something with my powers

VOICE;

[triangleman]

HMMMMMMMM, something seems off. I'm pretty sure that we're missing midnight, here!

text

[enucleation]

A new secretary of defense, hm.

And I see Homeland Security Advisory System continues to be creative with the color code. Good to see at least that doesn't change.

[wizzardly]

[and thus begins Rincewind spending several unproductive hours getting sucked into the hole that is BlueTube.

...And getting very pink ears when he accidentally stumbles from there onto a porn site. Gosh.]