MARCH 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2016

VOTE BIRDIE SANDERS 2016
As seen in local news and promoted on BlueTube:
There have been reports of a wild parrot in Heropa's central park who has been conversing with passers-by. The parrot engages people on a number of topics of social relevance, including the importance of paying workers a living wage, the necessity of disarmament, and the dangers of xenophobia. It also apparently speaks with an English accent, leaving some to wonder if the animal might have been planted there by some foreign spy.

NOT RUSSIAN TO JUDGEMENT
As seen from the news blogs of major imPort-sympathetic media and news outlets:
You can visit a website, OurRussianFriends.com, which chronicles the Russian kidnapping of imports at the Russian invasion/brainwashing techniques. It includes news articles, personal accounts, interviews, video footage, which are all collected for display. Anything containing specific imPort information or stories has been edited to hide their faces as requested, and some things have been carefully edited to put imPorts in a better light. With the Russian invasion over, the website is mostly in standby mode until the next thing happens, but it's still there as a reference whenever news agencies need to make a 'point' about the invasion.

HEAVY MEDAL
As seen from all national newspapers, channels, and news/entertainment websites, along with limited coverage overseas:
A White House victory ceremony was almost derailed by self-righteous antics on March 12th, as a a few protesting imPorts chose to display disrespect to President Freemason on a day of gratitude and celebration.

Freemason had invited heroic veterans of the imPort resistance against the Soviet occupation to Washington D.C., for the purpose of awarding them Medals of Esteem on behalf of a grateful nation that owes so much to those who fought for freedom during the coup crisis in February. However, while most attending imPorts conducted themselves with the dignity and discipline expected of heroes in wartime, a few chose to hijack this official occasion to advance their own unpatriotic political agenda. These malcontents included:

Heiji Hattori- the first to protest, who bowed as he declined the award and told President Freemason that he fought for people, not for glory or a country, and that America should be better than its enemies
Jacob Taylor- who declined the award and stated he couldn't accept it in good conscience from a government that killed thousands of civilians in Debrecen
Princess L'Arachel- who accepted the award, but could be seen attempting to lecture the President of the United States on ethics before being ushered away by White House staff
Revan- imPort Ambassador to Maurtia Falls, declined the award while still bearing visible signs of injury from leading the Defense of Helix Station. Revan could be seen whispering an apology to the President before being led away
Kitty Jones- who was noticeably absent from the ceremony without proper explanation, despite her heroic activities for the resistance
Skye- who was also absent without explanation

Fortunately, President Freemason valiantly maintained her poise and composure in the face of this shocking display, and most imPort attendees were well-behaved and showed proper respect to the President and to their hosts in this world: the United States of America. Major-General Olivier Armstrong, D'Artagnan, Francis Urquhart, Kanaya Maryam, Carl Grimes, and Sabriel all accepted their awards without incident, while Charles Xavier respectfully conveyed his regrets at being unable to attend due to exhaustion and health issues. Magicman courteously declined his medal on the grounds that he hadn't done enough to deserve it, while praising the President's recognition of AI rights- such a humble hero!

Sabriel and Armstrong in particular could be spotted conferring closely with government authority figures at the event, as befits loyal heroes. Francis Urquhart, imPort Ambassador to Nonah, accepted the award in good form despite having previously made statements of discontent in the media regarding the Debrecen airstrikes. Meanwhile, the memetic world is having a field day with the expression on Carl Grimes' face as he beheld the displays of disrespect by the protestors. GIFs and captions of his unimpressed reaction are spreading across the Internet.

Approached after the ceremony for comment on the protest, Kanaya Maryam only rolled her eyes.

WHAT A ST. CRAPRICKS DAY
As seen reported national and local newspapers, and run riot in social media platforms:
Bad luck beset the St. Patrick's Day Parade as disasters seemed to abound at an alarming rate. Onlookers reported sightings of green monsters spreading gold, though neither gold nor creature appeared to remain afterward. Among the confusion, imPort Julian Day took responsibility for the chaos and stole the prize parade float. While this costumed criminal was soon apprehended, there was no saving the parade.

SHOT IN THE ART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME
As noted in art and lifestyle magazines and websites, and promoted on LulzFeed:
Heropa Trade School's lead mechanics expert, Professor Li, was given the final project of imPorts Jaime Reyes and Will Graham. The two local heroes had no idea what they were handing her was actually art. Fortunately, Professor Li has an eye for the artistic as well as the mechanical, and now the students' project is being inspected and passed around far more elite circles than any garage. The piece is described as "a tired car, nearly a clunker, transformed into something far better than a working vehicle...it has become more than that...a true statement, a true artistic force...the wake up call America needed...a look into the depths of imPort suffering..."
Only three pictures of the artwork (called "CAR OF SORROWS") have been revealed to the public so far. One is of the hood of the car, with the word "SORRY" spray painted across it. "It's so simple, yet so profound," says one curator at a Nonah art gallery.

"Are they sorry for the troubles caused by them being here? Are they sorry for being here in the first place? Something else? It could be a multitude of things, but it's very clear some of our imPorts carry the burden of guilt."

The second picture shows under the hood. The insides have been replaced with a cardboard box filled with coffee cups and cans of bug spray. "Incredible," commented another curator at a Nonah art gallery. "So often, in order to keep our bodies awake and push through the day, we purposefully consume that which is not good for us. A clearer message could not be present. We have to take care of ourselves better."

The third picture shows the front two air bags. One has been painted with a smiling face while its companion wears a frown. "It's remarkable," commented a curator at the third Nonah art gallery. "Simple faces on cloth speak so loudly. ImPorts are expected to smile for the public, but are they really smiling? Really really smiling? They smile to keep from crying rather than let us see them as human. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit I cried the first time I saw this work of art. It's been in my dreams ever since..."

Neither imPort has been very talkative on the work's true meaning. Some critics remain. Infamous graffiti artist, political activist and film director of unverified identity Cranksy commented that "This is not art...this is expression, but it isn't art...shame the capitalists will consider it art anyway..."

Cranksy reminded the reporter, and thus the world at large that, as a successful artist, he knew what he was talking about.

IT'S A RUNNING THEME
As discussed on Bwitter:
The last imPort Swearing-In had made quite an impact -- at least, over the Bwitterverse it did. When Heropeans who had caught word about an imPort carnival, it seeped into their imaginations. Citizens were speculating on the details over Bwitter, with the hashtag #imPortThemePark, and mega animation company/land owner Pixels took notice. A spokesperson for Pixels discussed the possibility for an imPort-themed theme park, lining out the logistics. "We're being realistic about it," she said in a brief news conference. "We know we need to get the likeness licensing rights from every individual imPort we would need first. But there is a consumer hunger for the imPort experience, and we are best equipped to deliver."

Pixels is said to be in talks with pastry and entertainment food company Creamworks for a partnered endeavor regarding this unnamed imPort theme park.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS...?
As seen in all major newspapers and all major networks with international correspondents:
Very little news to report. Hmm, that's odd, isn't it?

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CAPITALISTIC GREEN to SPRING GREEN, to denote the official peaceful coming of Spring! Happy Spring! Please no one tell Calendar Man "Happy Spring", in case he gets any ideas.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[khajidont]

Only the surface of my torment and darkness, Fuu. Got way more where that comes from. You know me; I've got some serious suffering going on. I'll tell you the symbolism away from the, uh... exhibit.

[monster_san]

A person only has to spend five minutes with you to see how heavily your soul is burdened. Naturally it would not do to reveal them publicly--that way, the mystique of the work is preserved.

[khajidont]

Exactly. I'm doing a service to everyone else. It's just a sacrifice I'm gonna have to make.

[monster_san]

Such a noble soul, to think nothing of yourself in bringing your deepest woes to the public. May I ask, what inspired your choices? I've never heard of 'car' as an artistic medium.

[khajidont]

School project. We were supposed to fix it up, and instead, uh, we might have gotten a little carried away. Seriously, though, I feel like she could've cut us a little slack from the whole kidnapping thing.

[monster_san]

Do you? I have a teacher who would say that this is just preparation for the harsh realities of the working world. And since you did find a way to complete the project, you showed that you didn't need special dispensation.

[khajidont]

...the harsh realities of the working world mean getting kidnapped and brainwashed? Your teacher sounds freakin' tough.

Also like someone who might hate their job.

[monster_san]

[she laughs.]

I've only heard her say such things in the context of getting sick and the like, but I can easily imagine her saying it about this circumstance too. The business world does not care about your personal circumstances!

And since you do mention it, I don't often see her smile.

[khajidont]

See, I'm hoping to be a little happier, professionally speaking. Think less harsh realities of the working world and more, uh... rewarding? I mean, the garage isn't that bad.

[monster_san]

You may not rise as high up the ladder, but it's just possible your life will be better with that philosophy. I think I would prefer happiness to prestige as well.

[khajidont]

Good! What do you wanna do, anyway?

[monster_san]

I want to become a software engineer, like my parents. [...] Evidently they were very forward-thinking when they decided to go into computers, judging by the whole of modern society.

[khajidont]

Oh yeah? [Thank god, she wants to do something normal. He could hug you, Fuu.]

That's great! And you've got built-in teachers, too. I bet you could learn a lot about it while you're here in the sorta-future.

[monster_san]

Oh yes, I've learned quite a lot already. [THOUGH TBH. NOT ALL THINGS SHE WANTED TO KNOW, NECESSARILY.] I think some of it might be a little too dangerous to bring back, though.

[khajidont]

Yeah? Like what?

[monster_san]

[OH COME ON JAIME YOU KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS, SURELY.]

For example, did you know that people write fanfiction about real people? Not... like a proper book [you know something legitimate like Samurai Warriors ok] but romantic stories about President Freemason and her Russian counterpart.

[khajidont]

Oh, that kind of thing. C'mon, writing it about the president is freakin' tame. I found comics of a couple of my friends, about their... romance.

[It was smut. It was awful. It was hilarious.]

I haven't found any of that of me yet, thank god, but people get really excited about that! I even have a plushie that someone made of one of my friends.

[He hops off screen for a moment, and re-arrives with an angry looking plushie of one medieval warrior; sorry, Maria.]

Look at how pissed her doll is.

[monster_san]

[yes well SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE SMUT ON A PUBLIC NETWORK OR REALLY, THINK ABOUT IT EXISTING AT ALL.]

I can only imagine how strange and awkward that must be.

[truthfully she could stand to forget that when she goes home BETTER OR WORSE THAN BEING CALLED A WEAPON, IT'S HARD TO SAY

but she brightens up when Jaime presents the little plushie doll, and laughs.]

I've never seen a doll look so fierce before! I'm not sure I'd want to be glared at so fiercely when I woke up.

[khajidont]

[hey he didn't have to mean smut HE SAW LOTS OF LONGING GAZES WITH SHOJO EYES]

It's hiding a heart of gold.

[Jaime, stop making fun of Maria.]

You kinda learn to take it all a lot less seriously after a while. We're celebrities, so people are gonna do all sorts of weird stuff. It's pretty harmless.

[monster_san]

[ARE YOU SAYING IT'S A TSUN PLUSH JAIME.]

It does look the type. [...] Well, dolls and fanart are much nicer than being called a weapon, at least!

[khajidont]

No kidding! For what it's worth, I don't think the people here think of us as weapons. Maybe we don't seem real to them... but if they didn't care about us even a little bit, why would they be such big fans?

[monster_san]

I wouldn't be surprised. Even with normal celebrities, like singers and even newsreaders, you never see them at home or grocery shopping--so the idea that you know what they're really like is an illusion.

[khajidont]

What year are you from, again? You miiiight be before the 24-hour news cycle.

[The Kardashians, Fuu!]

[monster_san]

1993. I do know America has CNN, and they run news all the time... still, that's news, isn't it? Very different from these channels with wilderness men and globetrotting chefs....

[khajidont]

Yeah, see, where I'm from, they do take pictures of celebrities getting their groceries and junk. It's kind of weird, but that's what sells papers.