MARCH 20TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2016

VOTE BIRDIE SANDERS 2016
As seen in local news and promoted on BlueTube:
There have been reports of a wild parrot in Heropa's central park who has been conversing with passers-by. The parrot engages people on a number of topics of social relevance, including the importance of paying workers a living wage, the necessity of disarmament, and the dangers of xenophobia. It also apparently speaks with an English accent, leaving some to wonder if the animal might have been planted there by some foreign spy.

NOT RUSSIAN TO JUDGEMENT
As seen from the news blogs of major imPort-sympathetic media and news outlets:
You can visit a website, OurRussianFriends.com, which chronicles the Russian kidnapping of imports at the Russian invasion/brainwashing techniques. It includes news articles, personal accounts, interviews, video footage, which are all collected for display. Anything containing specific imPort information or stories has been edited to hide their faces as requested, and some things have been carefully edited to put imPorts in a better light. With the Russian invasion over, the website is mostly in standby mode until the next thing happens, but it's still there as a reference whenever news agencies need to make a 'point' about the invasion.

HEAVY MEDAL
As seen from all national newspapers, channels, and news/entertainment websites, along with limited coverage overseas:
A White House victory ceremony was almost derailed by self-righteous antics on March 12th, as a a few protesting imPorts chose to display disrespect to President Freemason on a day of gratitude and celebration.

Freemason had invited heroic veterans of the imPort resistance against the Soviet occupation to Washington D.C., for the purpose of awarding them Medals of Esteem on behalf of a grateful nation that owes so much to those who fought for freedom during the coup crisis in February. However, while most attending imPorts conducted themselves with the dignity and discipline expected of heroes in wartime, a few chose to hijack this official occasion to advance their own unpatriotic political agenda. These malcontents included:

Heiji Hattori- the first to protest, who bowed as he declined the award and told President Freemason that he fought for people, not for glory or a country, and that America should be better than its enemies
Jacob Taylor- who declined the award and stated he couldn't accept it in good conscience from a government that killed thousands of civilians in Debrecen
Princess L'Arachel- who accepted the award, but could be seen attempting to lecture the President of the United States on ethics before being ushered away by White House staff
Revan- imPort Ambassador to Maurtia Falls, declined the award while still bearing visible signs of injury from leading the Defense of Helix Station. Revan could be seen whispering an apology to the President before being led away
Kitty Jones- who was noticeably absent from the ceremony without proper explanation, despite her heroic activities for the resistance
Skye- who was also absent without explanation

Fortunately, President Freemason valiantly maintained her poise and composure in the face of this shocking display, and most imPort attendees were well-behaved and showed proper respect to the President and to their hosts in this world: the United States of America. Major-General Olivier Armstrong, D'Artagnan, Francis Urquhart, Kanaya Maryam, Carl Grimes, and Sabriel all accepted their awards without incident, while Charles Xavier respectfully conveyed his regrets at being unable to attend due to exhaustion and health issues. Magicman courteously declined his medal on the grounds that he hadn't done enough to deserve it, while praising the President's recognition of AI rights- such a humble hero!

Sabriel and Armstrong in particular could be spotted conferring closely with government authority figures at the event, as befits loyal heroes. Francis Urquhart, imPort Ambassador to Nonah, accepted the award in good form despite having previously made statements of discontent in the media regarding the Debrecen airstrikes. Meanwhile, the memetic world is having a field day with the expression on Carl Grimes' face as he beheld the displays of disrespect by the protestors. GIFs and captions of his unimpressed reaction are spreading across the Internet.

Approached after the ceremony for comment on the protest, Kanaya Maryam only rolled her eyes.

WHAT A ST. CRAPRICKS DAY
As seen reported national and local newspapers, and run riot in social media platforms:
Bad luck beset the St. Patrick's Day Parade as disasters seemed to abound at an alarming rate. Onlookers reported sightings of green monsters spreading gold, though neither gold nor creature appeared to remain afterward. Among the confusion, imPort Julian Day took responsibility for the chaos and stole the prize parade float. While this costumed criminal was soon apprehended, there was no saving the parade.

SHOT IN THE ART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME
As noted in art and lifestyle magazines and websites, and promoted on LulzFeed:
Heropa Trade School's lead mechanics expert, Professor Li, was given the final project of imPorts Jaime Reyes and Will Graham. The two local heroes had no idea what they were handing her was actually art. Fortunately, Professor Li has an eye for the artistic as well as the mechanical, and now the students' project is being inspected and passed around far more elite circles than any garage. The piece is described as "a tired car, nearly a clunker, transformed into something far better than a working vehicle...it has become more than that...a true statement, a true artistic force...the wake up call America needed...a look into the depths of imPort suffering..."
Only three pictures of the artwork (called "CAR OF SORROWS") have been revealed to the public so far. One is of the hood of the car, with the word "SORRY" spray painted across it. "It's so simple, yet so profound," says one curator at a Nonah art gallery.

"Are they sorry for the troubles caused by them being here? Are they sorry for being here in the first place? Something else? It could be a multitude of things, but it's very clear some of our imPorts carry the burden of guilt."

The second picture shows under the hood. The insides have been replaced with a cardboard box filled with coffee cups and cans of bug spray. "Incredible," commented another curator at a Nonah art gallery. "So often, in order to keep our bodies awake and push through the day, we purposefully consume that which is not good for us. A clearer message could not be present. We have to take care of ourselves better."

The third picture shows the front two air bags. One has been painted with a smiling face while its companion wears a frown. "It's remarkable," commented a curator at the third Nonah art gallery. "Simple faces on cloth speak so loudly. ImPorts are expected to smile for the public, but are they really smiling? Really really smiling? They smile to keep from crying rather than let us see them as human. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit I cried the first time I saw this work of art. It's been in my dreams ever since..."

Neither imPort has been very talkative on the work's true meaning. Some critics remain. Infamous graffiti artist, political activist and film director of unverified identity Cranksy commented that "This is not art...this is expression, but it isn't art...shame the capitalists will consider it art anyway..."

Cranksy reminded the reporter, and thus the world at large that, as a successful artist, he knew what he was talking about.

IT'S A RUNNING THEME
As discussed on Bwitter:
The last imPort Swearing-In had made quite an impact -- at least, over the Bwitterverse it did. When Heropeans who had caught word about an imPort carnival, it seeped into their imaginations. Citizens were speculating on the details over Bwitter, with the hashtag #imPortThemePark, and mega animation company/land owner Pixels took notice. A spokesperson for Pixels discussed the possibility for an imPort-themed theme park, lining out the logistics. "We're being realistic about it," she said in a brief news conference. "We know we need to get the likeness licensing rights from every individual imPort we would need first. But there is a consumer hunger for the imPort experience, and we are best equipped to deliver."

Pixels is said to be in talks with pastry and entertainment food company Creamworks for a partnered endeavor regarding this unnamed imPort theme park.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS...?
As seen in all major newspapers and all major networks with international correspondents:
Very little news to report. Hmm, that's odd, isn't it?

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CAPITALISTIC GREEN to SPRING GREEN, to denote the official peaceful coming of Spring! Happy Spring! Please no one tell Calendar Man "Happy Spring", in case he gets any ideas.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[wizzardly]

Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know about that at all. ...But more likely it would just see it as an opportunity for destruction anyhow, which is conveniently its favorite pasttime.

[baetiful]

Have you tried to redirect its attention to a more modern world hobby? Perhaps it could take up musical theater?

[ Because musical theater is the latest thing Petyr Baelish has discovered in his modern world research. ]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind laughs!

...And stops when he realises it might not be a joke. Ahem.]

Ah, no. It doesn't quite work like that. It would be a bit like offering to teach a dragon tax laws.

[baetiful]

But there is a role I believe would suit it perfectly. Have you heard of a show called Little Shop of Horrors? People would marvel at how realistic the effects are when the man-eating plant/box eats the other characters.

[ t........otally joking. ]

[wizzardly]

Oh yes, and I would marvel at how realistic the bars of my cell were when I was thrown in prison, I imagine.

[baetiful]

Why would you take the fall for something a sentient piece of luggage had done? It's not as though it can speak and blame you, can it?

[wizzardly]

I've been told that as long as it's linked to me I'm considered somewhat responsible.

Believe me, I thought it was ridiculous as well. You know they actually care when people get killed in bar fights here? There are arrests. Every time!

[baetiful]

Do they give you a ticket?

[ That's apparently what happens if you speed according to some kid he talked to at the Swear In. ]

I have to question the effectiveness of their punishments if tickets and arrests are their chosen methods.

[ A pause. ]

And I would still argue your box is a sentient being with thoughts all its own. You should not be held accountable.

[wizzardly]

Ticket? ...I haven't heard anything about that. I think it's just they lock you up.

[tickets??? What is punishing about that?]

And I would absolutely agree with you, but the problem is people don't tend to actually listen to me. On anything. ...Ever.

I imagine that's a problem you can't relate to. [you know, being a smooth talking, confident adviser.]

[baetiful]

[ Petyr doesn't know either. He was hoping you'd have some insight, Rincewind!! ]

You flatter me, Rincewind. But the truth of the matter is simply this: if people do not listen to you, you find a way to make them listen.

[wizzardly]

[Petyr don't say things like that, it makes you sound like a supervillain.]

Not exactly my area, but I'll thank you for the advice all the same.

[baetiful]

[ Don't you know he's growing out his mustache into one of those curly ones?? ]

Are you truly content to be ignored or looked down upon by your peers?

[wizzardly]

Absolutely.

Do you know what happens when people ignore you? Nothing. They don't drag you off on insane adventures, they don't claim you're the only one who can do this or that - you can just live your life. An incredibly longer one, I might add, than if people think you're powerful and worthy of attention.

[baetiful]

But what is the purpose of living a long life if you choose to do nothing with it? Especially if you choose to not even lie with another woman.

[wizzardly]

[oh my god, Baelish, stop trying to get him laid.

Rincewind suddenly wishes this conversation were audio only. He tugs on his hat a little too hard, the brim covering his eyes.]

There are other things! - Food and things! Books! Sometimes the point of living is just to live it, you know!

[baetiful]

Have you seen a therapist? I know one I can recommend. I imagine he would get to the root of your avoidance of all things entertaining and enjoyable.

[wizzardly]

...I have, in fact, and I was told I'm perfectly fine, but thanks.

[haha no.]

[baetiful]

If we speak of the same man, then it would be wise of you not to discredit him. He is far more perceptive than your false testimony implies.

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind flusters.]

Well, who's to say we do? It's a big world. Head doctors everywhere, I imagine. Loads.

[a moment later, the realization dawns that it was just implied that Rincewind is so obviously Not Fine that to claim otherwise would be a stab at Chilton's reputation. He feels vaguely offended.

But only vaguely. Some things are more difficult to argue than others.]

How do you know yours, anyway? You're seeing a therapist?

[baetiful]

[ Petyr smirks. It's a smug sort of smirk. ]

But not many in the imPort community. Not many at all. Only one as far as I know. Male. Wise. Perceptive. Helpful.

[ He so hopes Chilton is listening in on this so he can get some brownie points! ]

I saw one initially upon my arrival -- to ensure I would have no trouble integrating into this world. He deemed that I am perfectly fine. So therein lies the dilemma. If I am perfectly fine and you are supposedly perfectly fine, which of us is truly perfectly fine?

The man who avoids everything or the man who faces it all head on? You do carry quite the baggage with you.

[wizzardly]

Oh, there's another. I just don't recommend seeing him.

[although if Baelish keeps smirking like that Rincewind might just change his mind; let it never be said that he's above petty vengeance.]

Yes, yes, very clever. [dry as a desert wind, this tone.] Good to know they've got puns in your world too. Some things are constant, hm?

But I still think that "fine" depends on your definition. For example, the man who faces everything tends to get blades swung at his neck more often than the man who doesn't. To me, that doesn't sound "fine". A point the first man might argue, I'll grant you, but then... he'd have to still have a throat to make his argument with, hm?

[baetiful]

[ He thought it was pretty clever. Petyr Baelish appears quite pleased with himself and his cleverness. ]

What you are implying is recklessness. There is a drastic difference between facing the world and doing so with reckless abandon. I suppose when one denies themselves pleasure and enjoyment, they would deprive themselves of knowledge about such things. Perhaps the best medicine for your avoidance issues is to find yourself a lady friend.

[ A beat. ]

Or a man. It's all the same in the end. Especially for one who is probably uncertain about what goes where.

[ Petyr can only go for so long being polite and charming.... ]

[wizzardly]

[not even Rincewind's broad-brimmed hat can hide the bright pink his ears turn at all that, drawing in breath and his shoulders like a wide-eyed, angry bird fluffing its feathers. He tries to speak, gibbers and sputters out a:]

You - ! [then chokes, his neck flushing as well, hot with anger and embarrassment as his brain scrambles to choose what to process first.

It chooses all of it.]

You take it back! I'm not a bloody virgin, you bloody - ! You didn't even understand what I meant, oh you and that damn smirk and - ! And it's none of your business what I - ! And the gall! Who the hell are you to -! To - ! Well, well you can just piss off with all that, just piss right off!

[baetiful]

Oh. Have I upset you? I was merely teasing.

[ Suuuuure, Littlefinger. Suuure. ]

What is a little playful banter between friends? Perhaps this should be yet another sign that you need to get out a bit more into the world. You would become far less defensive against what are simply social norms.

I am certain Doctor Chilton would be more than happy to discuss this with you.

[ He wields Chilton's name like a sword. ]

[wizzardly]

Playful - ?!

[Hngh. Rincewind snaps his mouth closed, physically swallowing the host of things he'd like to say to that. "Teasing", hah. If you said something like that to a person in Ankh you'd get a fist in the face if you were lucky. It's like only because it's Rincewind (and because he's a Lord) that he thinks he can get away with it.

(He's unfortunately correct.)

Rincewind's look sharpens suspiciously at that "friends" - and further still at that namedrop. He'd known who Baelish meant before, of course.]

...You know, for having had one meeting with the man you sound awfully chummy.