maskormenace | video; open to action for Hotel Castile residents

video; open to action for Hotel Castile residents

This - !

[is an angry wizard, actually, in a lovely little hotel room. A wizard who is only on his second glass of wine. But he seems to be referencing the movie he's waving angrily at his communicator.

It's "The Wizard of Oz".]

- This is terrible! An absolute mockery, is what it is! I've had so many people bringing this up, and I think to watch it for myself, and I find - I find - right, so, the wizard is a fake. Let's address that first of all, shall we? They all go on this big quest to get to the wizard, and he's fake, but how did the people not realize that in the first place, that's what I want to know.

He doesn't even have a pointy hat.

[Rincewind waves a hand.]

It's all a bad message, is what it is! Making wizards look bad! And look, the whole thing about witches being green - I mean honestly, witches are scary enough on their own without all that. That's obviously added. And the flying monkeys -

[he shudders. Never mind, not addressing those. Those were terrifying.]

But I've certainly never heard anything about them melting with a bit of water. Even trained hydrophobes don't do that. Bloody ridiculous.

The whole thing is ridiculous, is what I'm really getting at. We're supposed to believe a scarecrow which can talk and walk about is brainless? Or what about it trying to get everyone to buy that the strange man with ribbons in his hair is "a lion"? And ignoring that whole bit about how this Dorothy person could have just clicked her heels the whole time, enchanted shoes aren't what they're cracked up to be in the first place, the University can tell you. Half of her would have probably been teleported back to Kansas faster than the other half, and that would have certainly been a bloody mess. Very gruesome.

Anyway, it was hideous and I don't understand why so many of you reference it in the first place.

[two thumbs down, says newly self-appointed movie critic Rincewind; only one and a half poorly-sequined stars.]

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Completely made up. That's not how you kill a fairy. But a story is always better if the heroine wins in the end, isn't it?

[ He cocked his head, curiously. ]

So I did. And your little dog, too. Of course your companion would be much more preferable if one were to depart on a magical journey. How long is a terrier going to last against flying monkeys?

Hard to sell legends otherwise. No one wants to read unhappy endings.

[so wait, how do you actually kill a fairy, now he's curious.]

About as long as the monkeys would stand against the Luggage, I'd think. Anyway, I'm not nearly as whiny as that Dorothy person was. [a beat.] Or if I am, I've got much better reasons to be.

Yes. The bad guys never win, and their motivations are never altered by circumstances, and when the hero is given the question "surrender or die" they always say "I'd rather die", and then get out of it without denting their morals. It's all hyper unrealistic.

[ But he chuckles at that. ] Yes, I'd say you had better reason. But you have some things in common. Blundering into trouble, for one. Dorothy didn't ask for her house to drop on that witch, but she had to deal with the consequences.

Really is. At some point you start wondering why they keep getting the choice at all.

And that's an admittedly common theme in my life's story. I'm considering hiring a new author. ...Or at least an editor.

[but Rincewind appreciates that Lucifer has proven to be somewhat hands-off, as far as metaphorical witches go. Almost amiable.]

It's terribly unfair. But you don't want a new author, they have a way of rehashing all the old material, or worse inverting it. You'll find that you're the villain all of a sudden and not the hero. Oh, that wretched, evil Dorothy. It was her plan all along, don't you know?

[your ~~daddy~~ issues with your canon are showing, Lucifer.]

At least then she might get some respect. Better than being tossed through one tornado to another every bloody time she turns around.

Yes, that's definitely the problem that Dorothy had. Not enough respect.

[ Breathing sarcasm. ]

Not the fact that she landed in a magical realm and felt it was her right to tear it down with her casual atheism.

...Right, am I still Dorothy in this metaphor? I think I may have lost track.

I think you've made a mistake or two of your own with regard to your naivete, yes. Dorothy put her foot in it too, it's something else you have in common.

Naivete?

[SO MUCH OFFENSE.]

You cocked your leg to the devil. You're either naive or stupid, and I was being nice.

I didn't - ! You're making it sound like I jumped up and volunteered! And - !

[and this is entirely too public. Rincewind switches them to a private conversation.]

...I told him to wait. To think about things. He would have found a way to remove it anyway, if you hadn't, you know that. That's who he is.

I still feel like you went and blamed a hammer for a carpenter's shoddy job.

I blamed the carpenter too. That's why I took his boyfriend away. But you, Rincewind. Mostly I just like to rattle you because it's fun. I haven't actually hurt you, ever, have I?

Hm? Haven't sawn off your face? Haven't fed you piece by piece to your magic trunk in the form of hamburgers? No.

I think the way I've treated you is quite reasonably in line with how much blame a hammer ought to receive, which is to say that ill placed or not, yelling at you makes me feel better about bruising my thumb.

[there's nothing like talk of sawn-off faces and being turned into a literal "boxed lunch" to recapture Rincewind's attention. He winces. It's true, though - beyond the magic of the Mark humming faintly on his shoulder, Lucifer hasn't actually done anything to him.]

And I'm very grateful for that continued lack of injury, please don't think I'm not. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more appreciative wizard.

I just - [aware he might be pushing his luck, Rincewind chooses his next words carefully.] I just think you could still get that without this - thing between us. As it is. I mean, you didn't even end up needing me for that whole mess before. Or since. And you've your demon now. Surely he's more than helpful to you. ...Somehow.

[okay, he's less sure on that last part. As far as Rincewind's been able to tell, Dean's main talents lie in the realm of drinking, whoring, and sarcasm.]

Has it ever occurred to you that the worm wriggling on the hook is what attracts the guppy's attention in the first place?

[ He rolled his eyes. ]

To continue your hardware analogy, Washwater, who throws away their hammer just because they're having a jolly old time with their electric saw?

You know, I might say the real issue there is the hook.

[but he'll drop it. At least he tried.]

Is he actually? I couldn't help but notice his somewhat fickle attention span.

I don't know what you're complaining about. In that analogy I was the guppy.

[ Although he supposes they both get eaten. It was terrible imagery anyway. ]

He's young. He's able to lend himself to tasks when it suits me; that's all I really ask. He'll mellow out when he has a century or so on him.

Bit of a demonic puppy, then? I wouldn't have supposed you for an animal lover.

Then you haven't met my hellhounds? They'd give your luggage a run for its money.

...Sorry, your what?

Hellhounds, Rincewind. Hounds from hell. Your friends were introduced to them when they came to rescue Emperor Sexy.

"Emperor - "? Oh. Not my type.

[but more importantly, where in the world has Lucifer been keeping monstrous hell beasts, and what does Rincewind need to do to ensure he never has to meet Lucifer's prized pooches?

(He'll have to ask Mark about them when he can.)]

But so is that - another of your bloody terrifying powers? You can summon dogs from hell when you feel like having company?

It's old magic, actually. Dogs are simple animals, far simpler than man; easier to corrupt the way a creature has to be corrupted to damn them absolutely.

My hounds are loyal, obedient, maneating, and completely invisible.

[ And he's not admitting that there are only three of them. ]

[invisible. Of course. That's just about the only thing that could make corrupted, man-eating dogs even more horrible, so of course they're invisible.

Rincewind sags.]

Just for the record, I'd make very poor kibble. Too skinny, hardly any nutrients at all. They'd be hungry again in an hour.

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angelfire - 2016-08-07 23:24 (UTC) - Expand

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