THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2016

HISSTORY HAS ITS EYES ON YOU
As seen in local newspapers, over radio airwaves, and online:
Essscape from the Maurtia Falls Zoo!

Local authorities in the city are issuing warnings about a recent escape from its zoo in which two pythons were able to break out of their habitats and sneak away from zoo grounds in the middle of the night. Workers at the zoo and police are currently working under the suspicion that someone has tampered with security footage from that night, as all surveillance was shut down some time before zookeepers noticed the pythons' cages were opened. The security guard in charge at the time had been found unconscious and was rushed to the hospital, having to be treated for a snake bite himself, possibly from one of the escaped snakes. Doctors say it was a close call, but he is expected to make a full recovery.

The local police are urging residents to keep children and small pets indoors as they and Animal Control search for these snakes, one an African and the other a Reticulated python. There is also a possibility a third and venomous snake has escaped the zoo, but there is no official word on the matter.

SEE IT ON THE WEB
As seen on BlueTube and major media outlets:
Video on Bluetube emerges of local teens on a graffiti spree in an abandoned warehouse in Heropa finding what appears to be the carapace of a giant spider, roughly the size of an SUV. There's fear in the community as people wonder if this is an elaborate prank or if it's a new breed of spider developed by the Russians, and this is just the first of many. Responses have ranged from burn the warehouse to the ground to test it for DNA to even more violent suggestions but so far it's only been taken by the police and held in evidence. Parents wonder if it's safe to send kids to school with the menace of giant spiders in the neighborhood.

POWER PLAY
As seen on national and international news:
Imagine the world's shock when people with superpowers, here started to manifest. After the effects of the recent change by none other than StarkTech's Tony Stark, the world was shocked when he came clean to the authorities, explaining that it was a nanovirus he'd released into the water supply. Even more shocking was the fact that he didn't outright pull the app -- instead he was caught on national news this week -- where he had this to say:

"I know that this wasn't ideal, and that whatever happened -- whatever spurred this different me to do these things... it wasn't right. That being said, I don't believe people should be forced to either have powers -- or get rid of them now that they've been given the opportunity to try them. Particularly when we are sitting here, with powers of our own.

So I'm offering this, to those of you who want to keep the: don't delete the app. If you want to get rid of them, delete the Four. Anyone who gets a StarkTech phone in the future -- if you get a phone -- it won't have the app anywhere near it.

And, if you do get a phone over the next three months, 100% of the profits will go to rebuilding the damage that I've caused."

Unsurprisingly, the small boost in sales has done nothing to fix the damage done to StarkTech stock since last September.

DOOK IT OUT
As seen on social media outlets, BlueTube, and entertainment news:
The imPort-fronted heavy metal band Countdown released a new single this week taking aim at controversial real estate mogul Ronald Chump. Countdown has spurred contention in the past due to the critical political content of their music, but their new single "LumpenChump" is unusually aggressive in its lyrics. The song attacks Chump for being foolish, cruel, dishonest, prejudiced against superhumans, not as wealthy as he claims, and having unusually sized hands, along with a host of other criticisms. A press release signed by Countdown's lead singer Count Dooku declared that the song represents an "artistic statement in response to the unacceptable remarks Mister Chump has levied at the imPort community, and against all others who share his vile views."

In apparent response to the song, Chump has Bweeted an image of himself standing with his arm around the metahuman costume designer and occasional criminal known as THE CHINCHILLA, with the caption "I love super-people! Just as long as they don't smell like Dookie!" Subsequent Bweets assured the world that there is nothing wrong with Ronald Chump's hands, and that he is indeed very, very wealthy.

PICTURE PERFECT
As seen on Rumblr and local newspapers:
Heropa's very own shrinking violet photographer, Max Caulfield, was spotted taking shots of the sinister Superior Iron Man while a group of our finest ImPorts were taking him down. The genius playboy-turned-supervillain did not appear to take kindly to it, however, knocking the recent Xavier graduate unconscious. Luckily, she was rescued by eccentric watchmaker, The Doctor, and the provocative pictures still made it to the papers - not to mention her Rumblr, which has steadily gained followers since the incident. You just can't stop the press!

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD, LADY
As seen on BlueTube and the back pages of the tabloids:
A Maurtia Falls woman reportedly called in a dead and dismembered ImPort. However, when police arrived on the scene, it was determined that this was a false report, as no body was found despite signs of a shooting. Could it be, the woman cried wolf?

In what might be an ironic wordplay, multiple ImPort corpses were found across the nation days later and informally identified by acquaintances including the "Red." Despite bearing resemblance to known individuals, no official statement has been released about their identities. These bodies have since been taken into police custody.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from GEOMEAN OF 60:1 GRAY to DESPERATELY WRONG BEIGE because if being beige is wrong, the system doesn't want to be white.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

video;

[helpline]

But why's it newsworthy that I was a good person?

[ ???? how does propaganda work ]

[video]

[timecapture]

It's not... but you still saved me. Thanks, Doctor.

[video]

[helpline]

Course I did, [ said in a tone of voice that's still ??? ] I'm the Doctor, saving people's what I do.

[video]

[timecapture]

Saving people, making watches, playing awesome music...

permatext

[deadtective]

Guess I'm not going on any dates in Maurtia Falls anytime soon.

[with her boyfriend aware of it, anyway. the nefarious gears of her mind are already turning.]

Did they say whether or not you absolutely have to return the snakes if you find any, though? Just curious.

[helpline]

If you adopt the snakes, get them a proper snake house.

[ snake house or snouse ]

It might not be a good idea to have them slithering around willy-nilly.

[deadtective]

Don't worry, I've already got a place picked out for them.

[if you guess "Josuke's house" then you'd be right]

[helpline]

[ hey, as long as they're not gonna potentially eat the Doctor's hermit crabs or Saint Walker's possum, he dgaf. ]

Good! [ said with a griiiiiin. ] One of them can come visit the watch shop, it buts up next to a tree with plenty of birds.

[permatext]

[timecapture]

[Given that this is Hazel, Max is curious.]

How many snakes have you found?

[deadtective]

None, considering I haven't started looking yet. Just gimme a couple days.

[timecapture]

What are you even going to name them all?

[Video]

[sleight_of_hand]

...yeah, one day, "Dookie" will stop being funny.

[ And considering the snort Adachi just let out, today was not that day. ]

voice

[restingstitchface]

Those puns are delightful. A fear of snakes is traditional given our western upbringing, but I believe they shall be caught soon.

[Ophidiophobia has never been sssso amusing.]

text; comm ID still just says Spider-Man

[shutterbugged]

1. What, that's all he has to say for himself? Really?

[ He's not going to rant about it in public, but... yeah, guess he and Normie will be replacing a coffee table. ]

2. #notALLspiders. Seriously, though, who leaves their shedded carapace just lying around like that? Way to make us all look bad, buddy.
3. To clarify, I do not turn into a giant spider, nor am I affiliated with this giant spider. Or any other giant spiders that happen to be around (please don't be around).

permatext; id is just "Skeets"

[snarkbot]

Do you just identify with spiders, sir?

[shutterbugged]

Say what now?

[snarkbot]

Your name is Spider-Man, correct? In my experience those who add a "man"(or women or other indicator of human status) to the tail end of an animal merely feel strongly affiliated with that animal.

text. SOMEONE really needs to teach May that trick.

[daughteroftheoriginal]

I'm personally a fan of not being affiliated with giant spiders.

They don't really come in giant size, do they?

I almost went "you sweet summer spiderling" but that was after Peter's canonpoint

[shutterbugged]

Oh ye of little faith. Or insufficient imagination for someone in our line of work.

If he ever gets a canon update Spider-Island, just saying.

[daughteroftheoriginal]

Some things I don't want to imagine. There are a lot of things I'd take before 'giant spider'.

video;

[helpline]

PETER PARKER! [ said in almost a yell, as the Doctor jabs his finger at the camera. ]

We definitely need to talk.

[ huff huff huff huff, frown frown. Still a bit bitter about that whole secret identity thing! ]

video;

[shutterbugged]

[ Peter rips off his mask with a huff of his own--yes, he was texting while in costume, it helps with the vibe, all right? Also, he was on patrol--and switches to video. ]

There are a lot of people here I owe explanations to, Doc, but I'm not sure you need to be one of them.

[ He doesn't really believe that, but this version of the Doctor has a knack for ruffling his feathers. Still, a moment later his expression softens, and he almost smiles. ]

For the hero of the hour, though, I guess I can answer a few questions.

video;

[helpline]

One, I'm not a hero. I'm just someone who helps. [ said as he gives Peter a little frown. Because yeah, not a hero, not a villain, just an idiot, he is sticking to that story. ]

Two, how come I liked Spider-Man but thought Peter Parker was an idiot? Which one are you really?

not here;

[unwiseheart]

[ Just reading this and laughing, laughing a lot. Looks like he doesn't need to rent a moving van for giant spider purposes after all.

Sorry (but not really), Saya! ]

not here;

[instars]

[She will break her rule about eating shifters and eat you]