THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: OCTOBER 10TH, 2016

HISSTORY HAS ITS EYES ON YOU
As seen in local newspapers, over radio airwaves, and online:
Essscape from the Maurtia Falls Zoo!

Local authorities in the city are issuing warnings about a recent escape from its zoo in which two pythons were able to break out of their habitats and sneak away from zoo grounds in the middle of the night. Workers at the zoo and police are currently working under the suspicion that someone has tampered with security footage from that night, as all surveillance was shut down some time before zookeepers noticed the pythons' cages were opened. The security guard in charge at the time had been found unconscious and was rushed to the hospital, having to be treated for a snake bite himself, possibly from one of the escaped snakes. Doctors say it was a close call, but he is expected to make a full recovery.

The local police are urging residents to keep children and small pets indoors as they and Animal Control search for these snakes, one an African and the other a Reticulated python. There is also a possibility a third and venomous snake has escaped the zoo, but there is no official word on the matter.

SEE IT ON THE WEB
As seen on BlueTube and major media outlets:
Video on Bluetube emerges of local teens on a graffiti spree in an abandoned warehouse in Heropa finding what appears to be the carapace of a giant spider, roughly the size of an SUV. There's fear in the community as people wonder if this is an elaborate prank or if it's a new breed of spider developed by the Russians, and this is just the first of many. Responses have ranged from burn the warehouse to the ground to test it for DNA to even more violent suggestions but so far it's only been taken by the police and held in evidence. Parents wonder if it's safe to send kids to school with the menace of giant spiders in the neighborhood.

POWER PLAY
As seen on national and international news:
Imagine the world's shock when people with superpowers, here started to manifest. After the effects of the recent change by none other than StarkTech's Tony Stark, the world was shocked when he came clean to the authorities, explaining that it was a nanovirus he'd released into the water supply. Even more shocking was the fact that he didn't outright pull the app -- instead he was caught on national news this week -- where he had this to say:

"I know that this wasn't ideal, and that whatever happened -- whatever spurred this different me to do these things... it wasn't right. That being said, I don't believe people should be forced to either have powers -- or get rid of them now that they've been given the opportunity to try them. Particularly when we are sitting here, with powers of our own.

So I'm offering this, to those of you who want to keep the: don't delete the app. If you want to get rid of them, delete the Four. Anyone who gets a StarkTech phone in the future -- if you get a phone -- it won't have the app anywhere near it.

And, if you do get a phone over the next three months, 100% of the profits will go to rebuilding the damage that I've caused."

Unsurprisingly, the small boost in sales has done nothing to fix the damage done to StarkTech stock since last September.

DOOK IT OUT
As seen on social media outlets, BlueTube, and entertainment news:
The imPort-fronted heavy metal band Countdown released a new single this week taking aim at controversial real estate mogul Ronald Chump. Countdown has spurred contention in the past due to the critical political content of their music, but their new single "LumpenChump" is unusually aggressive in its lyrics. The song attacks Chump for being foolish, cruel, dishonest, prejudiced against superhumans, not as wealthy as he claims, and having unusually sized hands, along with a host of other criticisms. A press release signed by Countdown's lead singer Count Dooku declared that the song represents an "artistic statement in response to the unacceptable remarks Mister Chump has levied at the imPort community, and against all others who share his vile views."

In apparent response to the song, Chump has Bweeted an image of himself standing with his arm around the metahuman costume designer and occasional criminal known as THE CHINCHILLA, with the caption "I love super-people! Just as long as they don't smell like Dookie!" Subsequent Bweets assured the world that there is nothing wrong with Ronald Chump's hands, and that he is indeed very, very wealthy.

PICTURE PERFECT
As seen on Rumblr and local newspapers:
Heropa's very own shrinking violet photographer, Max Caulfield, was spotted taking shots of the sinister Superior Iron Man while a group of our finest ImPorts were taking him down. The genius playboy-turned-supervillain did not appear to take kindly to it, however, knocking the recent Xavier graduate unconscious. Luckily, she was rescued by eccentric watchmaker, The Doctor, and the provocative pictures still made it to the papers - not to mention her Rumblr, which has steadily gained followers since the incident. You just can't stop the press!

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD, LADY
As seen on BlueTube and the back pages of the tabloids:
A Maurtia Falls woman reportedly called in a dead and dismembered ImPort. However, when police arrived on the scene, it was determined that this was a false report, as no body was found despite signs of a shooting. Could it be, the woman cried wolf?

In what might be an ironic wordplay, multiple ImPort corpses were found across the nation days later and informally identified by acquaintances including the "Red." Despite bearing resemblance to known individuals, no official statement has been released about their identities. These bodies have since been taken into police custody.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from GEOMEAN OF 60:1 GRAY to DESPERATELY WRONG BEIGE because if being beige is wrong, the system doesn't want to be white.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

permatext

[deadtective]

Guess I'm not going on any dates in Maurtia Falls anytime soon.

[with her boyfriend aware of it, anyway. the nefarious gears of her mind are already turning.]

Did they say whether or not you absolutely have to return the snakes if you find any, though? Just curious.

[helpline]

If you adopt the snakes, get them a proper snake house.

[ snake house or snouse ]

It might not be a good idea to have them slithering around willy-nilly.

[deadtective]

Don't worry, I've already got a place picked out for them.

[if you guess "Josuke's house" then you'd be right]

[helpline]

[ hey, as long as they're not gonna potentially eat the Doctor's hermit crabs or Saint Walker's possum, he dgaf. ]

Good! [ said with a griiiiiin. ] One of them can come visit the watch shop, it buts up next to a tree with plenty of birds.

[deadtective]

[are you kidding? she has a sweet innocent precious owl to think of.]

Dude, you're not supposed to do that. It fucks with the native bird population.

[helpline]

Well just eat the one that keeps talking about using Julian's head as target practice. It's distracting.

[deadtective]

I dunno, that sounds like a bird worth keeping around indefinitely.

[helpline]

Julian doesn't deserve to be pooped on!

[ Julian kind of deserves to be pooped on. ]

[deadtective]

If the bird's so insistent there's probably something to it. Maybe you oughta give it a try!

[helpline]

Nah. I've already fallen out of one tree this week, I don't need to add another to my list.

[deadtective]

But maybe this time you'll hit your head! Worth a shot.

[helpline]

Hazel, look deep into your soul and answer this question honestly: do you really want a brain-damaged Doctor considering how much of a hassle I already am?

[deadtective]

Considering it means I can just commit you somewhere with padded walls? Yes, absolutely.

[permatext]

[timecapture]

[Given that this is Hazel, Max is curious.]

How many snakes have you found?

[deadtective]

None, considering I haven't started looking yet. Just gimme a couple days.

[timecapture]

What are you even going to name them all?

[deadtective]

Gonna start with the Four Horsemen and see where we go from there. You know, keep it seasonal.

[timecapture]

That sounds pretty hardcore. I'd probably just go with dragon references or GFs or something.

[deadtective]

I like to give animals names with a future. Dream big and shoot for the stars and all that shit.

[timecapture]

So... you're definitely not going to name any of them after Pokémon.

[deadtective]

Selling billions of dollars in merchandise is not a future.

[timecapture]

Spoken like a true hipster. I'm such a good influence.

[deadtective]

Nah, you're misunderstanding. All that cash goes to the handlers, not the face characters. I'm not splitting shit with anyone.

[timecapture]

Who says you have to split? Besides, you could just come up with Pokémon-esque names.

[deadtective]

Nope, it's gotta be all or nothing.