video; [3/15, TW for murder most foul]

[wizzardly]

[Happy Ides, everyone. To celebrate, here's a pale, shaken wizzard on your screen, standing in some nondescript Maurtia Falls allet. If the pallor of his skin makes him look a person who may be ill, that's probably because he is. Or at least was. Barely thirty seconds ago, violently, behind a trash can.]

Once, just once I'd like to go a month without - without the streets flooding with ghosts, or being in ridiculous brawls in bars with bears, or being kidnapped, or - or -

[Rincewind breaks off with a pained, miserable expression, glancing back over his shoulder. As he does so, the video shifts enough to show a dumpster with its lid open, a bag of trash abandoned outside it. The angle makes it impossible to see inside.]

...There's a body in there. Two, er, halves of one. Someone's, um...

[Rincewind swallows thickly, fighting another wave of nausea.]

I don't think she's an imPort. ...Was. Gods.

Look - someone come deal with this, will you? That's what you heroes are meant to do, right? So one of you needs to bloody well get out here. I'm not - I can't - this isn't my responsibility.

Comments

[wizzardly]

The box counts. Of course the box counts.

[neverdied]

You made it?

[wizzardly]

No.

[neverdied]

Enchanted it?

[wizzardly]

No.

[neverdied]

So what part of it counts?

[wizzardly]

The part where you can't prove it doesn't.

[well now he's just being petulant on purpose.]

[neverdied]

[Wow. Such sass.]

Just seems too endearing to be anything you came up with.

[That's right. Endearing. Because murder chests are cute as fuck as far as Jack's concerned.]

[wizzardly]

Endearing?

It ate you.

[neverdied]

Briefly.
Can't hold that against it.

[wizzardly]

And why not? It would have held you, if it could have.

[neverdied]

Then it deserves even more gratitude.

[Because actual death sure would be amazing.]

What happens to people it eats?

[wizzardly]

They die, obviously. [he hopes. Gods, he hopes.] You're also obviously the exception there.

Past that, I can't tell you. It's not like anyone's come back to say.

[neverdied]

Huh. Does everyone and everything that goes in there die?

[Is it just a deathbox?! Jack wants a deathbox.]

[wizzardly]

Only when it wants them to. I think.

This might surprise you, but people don't generally go in there for other reasons.

[neverdied]

Have you?

[wizzardly]

Me? Of course not! That's only supposed to be where dead people go! And - linens, and things. Coconuts, sometimes.

...Well. General food, I mean.

[neverdied]

Linens? It murders people and does laundry?

[Holy shit, that's literally Jack's life right now too. Soul mates.]

[wizzardly]

Not at the same time.

[neverdied]

Well obviously. You'd just get blood on the laundry and be back at square one.

[Duh, Rincewind. It's almost like you know nothing about efficient murder and laundering.]

[wizzardly]

You'd be the expert, of course.

[neverdied]

Sounds like your box is too. It's allowed to eat people but I'm judged for it.

[wizzardly]

Only when it's protecting me!






...Mostly.

[neverdied]

Mostly? And the others times?

[wizzardly]

People thinking they can steal from it. Or... mistreat it.

[a word which can possess a surprising number of meanings.]