video; [3/15, TW for murder most foul]

[wizzardly]

[Happy Ides, everyone. To celebrate, here's a pale, shaken wizzard on your screen, standing in some nondescript Maurtia Falls allet. If the pallor of his skin makes him look a person who may be ill, that's probably because he is. Or at least was. Barely thirty seconds ago, violently, behind a trash can.]

Once, just once I'd like to go a month without - without the streets flooding with ghosts, or being in ridiculous brawls in bars with bears, or being kidnapped, or - or -

[Rincewind breaks off with a pained, miserable expression, glancing back over his shoulder. As he does so, the video shifts enough to show a dumpster with its lid open, a bag of trash abandoned outside it. The angle makes it impossible to see inside.]

...There's a body in there. Two, er, halves of one. Someone's, um...

[Rincewind swallows thickly, fighting another wave of nausea.]

I don't think she's an imPort. ...Was. Gods.

Look - someone come deal with this, will you? That's what you heroes are meant to do, right? So one of you needs to bloody well get out here. I'm not - I can't - this isn't my responsibility.

Comments

voice;

[slightlyoffchilt]

Dear god, Rincewind, are you all right?

voice;

[wizzardly]

Better off than she is, certainly. [he croaks, weakly.]

voice;

[infomodder]

[Oh boy.]

Have you called the police?

voice;

[wizzardly]

N...o. Not as such. [there's a guilty look.

Look, the first caller has to prove they didn't leave the murdered woman in the dumpster, everyone knows that.]

video;

[helpline]

Two halves? That's unexpected. [ it's either one very dedicated serial killer or some space bullshit.

and because even the Doctor knows "hey, PROBABLY SHOULDN'T ASK THIS DUDE about the state of the body" ] Shoot me the address and someone responsible'll be on the way.

[ or the Doctor. either/or ]

video;

[wizzardly]

Oh, is it? Is it unexpected? You know, that's an excellent point! It's not something you really expect, to find a woman cut in half in a dumpster, what excellent commentary!

[sorry, Doctor.]

text;

[neverdied]

Is it fresh?

[wizzardly]

- No! Whatever it is you're thinking, the answer is no!

Text;

[heckblazer]

Tough break. How'd they end up in half? Magic trick gone wrong?

[wizzardly]

Perhaps you'd like to ask her.

voice;

[exceptfebruary]

Beware the Ides of March.

voice; private;

[itistolaugh]

Julie, you didn't! Did you?

[wizzardly]

The what? - Are you threatening me?

[he sounds more befuddled than accusing, if only because he's usually better at recognizing threats.]

voice;

[itistolaugh]

Wow, gross.

[She's not, like, the best at empathy. Or tact.]

Where are you? I'll come wait with you for someone competent to show up.

[wizzardly]

You don't have to, you shouldn't see this. I didn't want to see this.

[but he sends the address.]

audio

[h2no]

[a murder? what the fuck yo]

Shit... look, it seems like there's gonna be people comin' to move the, uh. Affected. D'you need a hand?

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind squints at the screen suspiciously.]

...That's not the set-up for some morbid joke, is it?

video

[rathercommon]

Oh. Oh, Rincewind...

[ Kitty's voice is soft and sympathetic. ]

Why don't you come to mine? Have a cup of tea?

[wizzardly]

[that sounds absolutely lovely, judging by the longing in the wizard's expression. But there's a grimace, and a shake of his head.]

After, maybe. But I can't - just leave her. You know.

video;

[alcheregis]

Deal with it how? Even a genessi like myself can't put her back together in that state. Are they at least well-proportioned halves?

[ Priorities?? ]

[wizzardly]

Deal with - just deal with it! Do whatever's meant to happen with bodies, I don't know.

And you know, I can't say that I checked that. [Rincewind practically snarls it.] I'll just remember to bring a tape measure the next time I stumble onto a murder scene, shall I?

video

[am_i_a_monster]

Don't touch what's left of her. You should go and let the cops or an ambulance handle it.

[wizzardly]

Are there really people who see a dead person cut in bits and immediately reach their hand in?

Because if there are, I hope I never meet them.

video;

[idesof]

[Behind his desk looking like he's been there all night, stripped down to shirt and suspenders, and also he is so horrified!!!]

A body? My God!

[SO HORRIFIED POOR RINCEWIND]

[wizzardly]

[finally, someone who looks as appalled as he is!]

It's bloody awful. And if it was just a body that would be one thing, still terrible, but I've at least seen those before. This one's just - it's just gruesome.

voice;

[postcog]

Where? I should be able to at least make sure it's the two halves of the same person, and if it's been recently deceased maybe get some answers out of it.

[ She hasn't tested it here, but it's worth a shot. ]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind gapes]

You want to use necromancy on a woman who's been cut in half?

video

[hellosirs]

Try to stay calm, sir! Have you called the local police and/or militia?

[ As the Greatest Detective in the World (his world, anyway), Angus has some experience with murder scenes and freaked out witnesses. More experience than an 11-year-old boy should have, maybe, but the point is that he knows what to do in these kinds of situations! ]

video

[wizzardly]

[a child. A child is telling him to stay calm now, and what to do. This is where his life has led him.]

It's not "sir", it's "Rincewind". Just Rincewind. And someone else is doing that.

Video

[thevictoriandetective]

[He's delighted.]

This might actually be good. Point your camera towards the body. Show me everything. If this is half as interesting as you're proposing, I might even come to have a look.

[Sherlock seems to be ignoring or not seeing the emotional state of said body-finder person.]

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind stares. He does not, at first glance, appear inclined to go along with Sherlock's request.]

Sorry, did you say "good"? Are there days where finding a woman cut in half is good for you?

voice;

[baetiful]

[ Gosh, Rincewind. Stop bringing negative attention to Maurtia Falls! ]

Not that it excuses the fact that it was there, but why were you going through the garbage?

[ Sure seems like Rincewind was just looking for trouble with that one. Or he put it there. ]

voice;

[wizzardly]

[well it should stop bringing its negativity to his attention, then!]

I wasn't! There was something rattling the bin when I walked past, and the Luggage tried to get in there thinking there was some animal it could terrorize.

[if only it had been a rabid raccoon instead.]

Anyway, you should be looking into this, shouldn't you? If this is your city, and everything.