THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2017

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2017Mutilated corpses seem to be all the rage now. Be careful! Take heed! Don't walk down any dark alleyways or look into other people's trash cans, or you might find a dismembered head looking back!

MODERN FART
As seen in the local Maurtia Falls papers:
The unstoppable urban artist "bElish" has slapped down a new project near the Maurtia Falls mayoral residence. In bold, gold lettering is written "improptent" across the asphalt road leading to the residence. A spray of Petyr Baelish's face in light blue can be found alongside the enigmatic word. What is the meaning behind this art? Is it foreshadow? Is it anti-capitalistic outrage? Is the patriarchy now in free fall?

ON A STREAMING SITE FAR, FAR AWAY
As heard on hot and new online podcast sites and gossip blogs only, conspicuously not covered by mainstream media publications:
ImPort entertainer and occasional political figure Count Dooku debuted a controversial new podcast this week under the title of Counting Truths, using his inimitably deep voice to spread his knowledge on the Internet. The first episode, themed Truth and Justice, starts with Dooku stating his intention to spark frank discussion on political topics not covered by the standard American media, which he derided as a "chattering mass of celebrity gossip and frivolous nonsense." He urges his listeners to ask questions and challenge official stories, appealing specifically to America's superhumans, "those with the power to truly create change." Toward that end, he invites imPorts and metahumans to appear on later episodes of the podcast for interviews as guests.

The Count closes the episode by asking listeners to observe a belated moment of silence for what he calls "the Debrecen massacre," an incident roughly one year ago when American warplanes bombed the Soviet-allied city of Debrecen, Hungary to destroy alleged weapons research there, killing thousands of civilians. "No one has ever been held accountable for this war crime," Dooku intones in the podcast. "ImPort protests fell upon deaf ears. But I predict there will one day be justice for this and other acts of corruption. The innocent dead can never be forgotten."

TO THE VIKTOR, THE SPOILS
As seen in imPort tabloids, footage on BlueTube, gifs on Rumblr:
Viktor's powers are a menace and dragged Adachi into something that was a little too intimate looking. Prime material for gossip! Chew on it long and hard. Viktor cheating on Yuuri?? Is prudish Adachi now a homewrecker??

FRUIT OF THE DOOM
As seen national news:
Do you like apples? Do you like eating apples? Do you have any stock invested in Big Produce, with a finger on apple harvest? WELL SUCKS FOR YOU. Between March 20th - March 25th, an unprecedented and seemingly biblical thing happens: 80% of the apple produce in stores ROTS. Millions of dollars are lost in this hit, and it's a thing the CDC has to figure out, ideally along with the EPA, and CERTAINLY the Department of Agriculture. No other food appears affected, and the apparent famine is very, very brief. So what does this mean for YOU? Apples are temporary a scarce and incredibly expensive item, the surviving stock of that remaining 20% is now worth 5000% times its usual asking price.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from GLITTER to SOLAR ECLIPSE because it makes you feel just a bit uneasy.

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Comments

TEXT

[pummelgranite]

Apple thing was cool.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I hear there's already a theory that you are behind it.

[pummelgranite]

Guess it is kinda on-brand.

[Video]

[sleight_of_hand]

[ ...that terrified squeak you just heard was both the sound of a man that wants to die, and also a man that hopes Katsuki isn't in the mood for katsudon any time soon. Dammit, he didn't think that would spread like that! What the hell?! ]

Th-th-th-th-that isn't at all what it looks like! I swear!

[nextlevel]

[ Yuuri isn't usually the jealous type, but - really now. ]

What the hell was that about!?

[sleight_of_hand]

[ Adachi sure didn't know his voice could reach a pitch like that, but wow, he's almost got dogs barking in the distance. ]

It's nothing! He was just showing me how to skate, that's all!

[ Just ignore how close they are. Really! ]

[text]

[badtouchingyourfood]

No wonder you were so happy about your life here.

[ Because Adachi deserves the public ridicule for coming into the bakery and harassing Hannibal about rushing art food prep. ]

[sleight_of_hand]

[ WOW NO RUDE!!! ]

NO THIS ISN'T THE REASON

[ ...it's a small part of the reason. Small part. V-very small part. ]

Voice

[dun_moch]

This news of the nation's fruit crops is rather concerning. How do we know that this is not a new episode of biological warfare unleashed by our enemies?

[Playing it cool as though he doesn't care at all about the reaction to his podcast (which he does)]

[badtouchingyourfood]

They are not very good enemies if their first choice isn’t even a staple food source.

[ Even if it is strange it occurred at all. . .why apples? ]

[dun_moch]

Perhaps it is merely a warning, or a test. Or a move in some deeper game we are yet unaware of.

Regardless, I urge you not to underestimate this nation's foes. They have brought our cities to their knees more than once during my time here.

[sleight_of_hand]

It's a weird thing to target, if that's the case. Maybe it's just someone that doesn't know how to control their powers, and doesn't want to admit it?

[dun_moch]

If that were the case, it would be an imPort of exceptional power... and exceptionally poor control.

I don't suppose you have any suspects in this incident, Detective?

Voice

[glowsferatu]

Seems more likely the sort of thing an imPort is behind. You'd think they'd attack the crops instead of the produce, if it were an enemy attack.

Video

[fourlevels]

[ Normally, Viktor would be laughing at this kind of article and video footage of himself as he did with most tabloid things back home, but the timing is just all wrong. After Yuri disappeared down a damn sinkhole in front of his eyes after having an argument about the very subject of the report, and that coupled with the fact that Viktor felt a bit guilty for the whole thing after Adachi pointed out to him that his Eros powers could actually hurt someone in that kind of context ...

All Viktor can manage is a weak: ]

Wow, that looks worse than what it is.

action

[nextlevel]

[ Well there's some yelling over in the next room. And then quiet. Too much quiet. ]

text;

[23wishes]

i knew i should have planted some fruit trees in the garden last year

text;

[glowsferatu]

now might be a good time to start
though i cant help but wonder how this may have affected them
i imagine it would have to be magic to have such a specific effect
but we have no idea of the parameters of the spell

i wonder if they survived in anyones homes

[grimreaping]

[ Kid isn't making any comments on it, but he's definitely paying attention. ]

text

[h2no]

WHO WANTS SOME APPLES?
ONLY SLIGHTLY USED.

[sleight_of_hand]

[ Oh it's this guy again. Yeah, he still has no idea it's the same guy he sent running before. ]

Gross, tentacles. D'ya mind?

( video )

[drizzle]

[The default option to these devices was this one: video. Nike didn't even notice she accidentally pressed the reply option as she was reading the current events, she supposes it was.]

...out of all the information given here, only two of these stories are interesting. And concerning, I think.

I mean, how do you listen to this casting thing? And what's going to happen to all those rotten apples? Are we going to use them as fertilizers to help grow the new batch?

( video )

[glowsferatu]

The sad truth is they'll probably go into the garbage, to fertilize a landfill. I don't imagine there would be much salvaging them.

Video

[dun_moch]

[The Count swiftly swoops in, ever-so-helpfully sending Nike a concise text of instructions on how to navigate to the podcast, download it, and listen to it on an appropriate device. He recognizes that Nike has lost her memories of her previous stay here- unfortunate. He will have to begin again with her.]

Your interest in my words is most appreciated, m'lady. I've sent you a brief guide on how to access the file you require- please inform me if you have any further questions.

video;

[shifting]

Well, so much for featurin' apple fritters at the restaurant.