[ audio ] cw: a bit gore, a bit sexual vulgarity

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[ It's only a voice that erupts over the network - clearly male, and deeply accented in what most could probably tell is Chicagoan, and if not, at least Northern and urban. That, and not terribly impressed with the state of things. ]

Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to use your limited amount of magic teleporting knick-knacks to link up to three bumfuck goddamn nowhere towns in Shitsville, Fuckyou Falls, and De Bullshit, USA? [ He only remembered the 'Falls' and the 'De' part, okay, he's improvising. You know what he means. ] I never even heard of these backwater trash dumps. They're probably run by hillbilly cannibals, and you know anything that ends is 'Falls' is gonna be a place where you lure dipshit teenagers to get the fuck murdered outta them, then probably stitched into a nasty skin sweater for ol' Billy Bob Psycho to wear to the family reunion, like that's gotta be horror movie law by now, anyone feel me on that?

[ Like 'Silent Hill', anything that sounds like it would make a nice landscape portrait is probably, most definitely, trying to kill you. That's what pop culture has taught Mickey, and he's sticking to his ghetto, thank you very much. At least no one there is a cannibal. Well, outwardly. ]

No one thought of, I dunno, New York? LA? Chicago? [ emphasis there, because that's the one he's really missing. ] Any of those places people actually give at least two almost-flaming fucks about? I dunno, maybe four, maybe some of you assholes have an excess of fucks to spread around, good for you, 'cause I'm all outta them at this point.

[ You can hear a snort, and it's easy to imagine Mickey shaking his head on the other end of the line. A brief pause, a reprieve from Mickey's stream of profane consciousness, and the last bit comes more sobered, almost bored. ]

That said, who do you gotta blow around here to get a lift to Chicago? I know a hot, ginger twink lookin' to arrange some travel plans.

Also got like a suitcase full'a knives up for trade. Hit me up.

Comments

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sup shitstick
la and ny have 2 many hipsters anyway
chicago was always a giant fucking std filled crack shack floating on a raft down a nasty ass river 1 careless match throw away from dumpster fire
we cant take actual dumpster fire, detriot alrdy claimed it

just wanna c if my house is there

[nastygram]

lol
at least u r realistic

srry2say your house is probs for real not there tho
whatever you love is going to have some fucked up lame version here
that includes fav movies

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my house was alredy fuckd up and lame
crack shack mountain, illinois, rmember?
less crowded would already be a fuckin plus tho
u think itll work backwards?
like therell be a goddamn mansion in the lot instead?

[nastygram]

if you want a mansion so bad why don't you just cash in on all the free shit around you

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nah don't want 1 that bad
just be cool 2 get the free upgrade
not like id even own the bitch here or nothin
prbly could kick out w/e yuppie pricks r living there tho & sell it
bills 4 that shit aint worth keeping

[nastygram]

i mean u could TRY stomping in and kicking out the mfers living in ~~ your ~~ mansion

pls record if you do

esp if they piss themselves bc you're AN IMPORT ZOMG

[nastygram]

btw, yuppies????

what is the year dingus
isn't that one a little outdated

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goddamn right my fuckin mansion
possession 9/10ths of the law or w/e
they can go cry on youtune abt the illegals takin their shit
holy fuck call border control



1500s
god save the queen

[ well that's a freaking lie. ]

[nastygram]

omg no wai really???? i super believe that

too bad that means your troglodyte ass will be too stupid to figure out how to upload that epic showdown to bwitter for all of us to enjoy

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[ it would be awesome if he knew what troglodyte meant, but mickey never made it past freshman year of high school. he's just going to use context clues and assume it's an insult. ]

guess that means im gonna need sum extra crew
u know any good camera ppl?

[nastygram]

nope

but i hear if you put up a HELP WANTED ad on the internet
and offer to pay in bjs
you get some real interest


time for baby's 2nd network post!!!

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my bj workers alrdy booked trying to get the chicago thing ok
maybe when we get there hell have his jaw recharged 4 it

[ love u, ian, love u ]

or well just find sum meth head under a bridge
tell him well get him a tenth if he can hold a camera still for like
30 secs

[nastygram]

yeah those meth heads
sure known for their steady hands

u better get him the 10th up front if you want any kind of picture quality
even for 30 secs


i am loving the crowdsourcing tho
and the max shock value to the ~ yuppies ~ living in ""your"" mansion

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fuck no im not shelling out the actual cash to buy a fucking meth head a tenth
u dont pay meth heads
u just tell them u will
and if they remember it later enough 2 complain
u kick the shit outta them

the fuck r u the shit talk police?
loaded white soccer moms
driving vans and suburbans
w the little stick figure familys on the back
tryin 2 put in yoga studios and tea shops and fucking community gardens
w/e the new word 4 that is
and putting in a mansion on the gd south side is asking to get jacked any way

[nastygram]

wow chill out killer
maybe lay off the crank urself

i said I AM LOVING
that is some APPROVAL
learn 2 parse

right there with you with wrecking the norms
idk that gentrification has been invented yet tho
which i think is the word u r looking 4

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i am chill man u chill
for real tho this's just how i talk
the fucks and shits and w/e arent directed at u
not in the fuck u specifically way anyway

idk is that it?
long word when u can just say yuppie invasion
where u from anyway?

[nastygram]

pls hon
i can take it
i meant chill out on the junkie murders
esp bc there are ~ heroes ~ all over these interwebs with reading comprehension JUST AS SHIT AS YOURS

we don't say yuppie anymore bc guess what
it isn't the 1500s
but keep on backdating yourself

i'm from nyc
land of the pizza rat, bodega booze, superior pizza, slum lords, ASS LOADS of gentrification ✌

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omg i said kick the shit out of
not murder
murder means evidence
or a couple hours w a hack saw + acid bath fckin tedious
meth heads dont report assalt
or hire lawyers
w/e fuk off man i don't text a lot

its 2014 & gd evry other person i kno says yuppies
so fuck it im saying it all u moderner ppl can bite me
esp if u have delusions abt that flat pita shit in nyc being actual pizza
deep dish or gtfo

u a slum lord?

[nastygram]

for a dude who doesn't murder meth heads u sure have a premeditated disposal all worked out

ok i don't argue over basic shit like food superiority BUT
deep dish is basically a cheese casserole
call it what it is

& no slum lord i am a slum couch surfer
that lease and contract shit is for plebs

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u kno how them boy scouts say
always b prepared

[ which is the nicer alternative to 'i only said meth heads'. ]

im sry u were born with this condition
i didnt realize u could get food blindness like u do color blindness
sad world u live in

so u what mooch off whoevers willing?
i know an old drunk everything addict whos made a sport out of that

[nastygram]

HAHAHA FUCKING HA
hey how loose is your asshole now that you've shat bricks of actual cheese your whole life

omg wow also u just described me
do we know eachother

cw: homophobic slurs? mickey being gross? idk

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hahahaha hilaaarious
nah its like a regional evolution thing
like monkeys or platypuses or w/e
we got assholes of steel or industrial rubber or smth now
also makes it good 2 be queer in chitown prob
or a hooker

idk is ur name frank
do u have like 8 million kids u love ignoring/stealing from
if so where the fuck r u
cuz im p sure u still owe my bro 4 sum weed u gutter crawling limp dick

[nastygram]

omg ok well SPEAKING OF LIMP DICK
fuck you for forcing me to read that and combo platypus w industrial rubber assholes

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ha fucking ha motherfucker
ur the 1 who brought loose assholes into the convo
dont start shit u cant finish

[nastygram]

please don't talk to me about finishing after platypus assholes

like let's at least start a new thread