maskormenace | Text (1) Backdated to before the swear-in

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Text (1) Backdated to before the swear-in

----> THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT <----
My name is Spooky Jones, and the United States government has officially assigned me my own sex and relationship advice column called SPOOKY LOVE.

Turns out there's not much of a need for demonologists in these parts, who knew. Glad to see our tax dollars at work, though, and I'm always happy to lend a helping hand to whoever needs one.

Now that I think about it, it sort of sounds like the person who gave me this job took the saying “make love, not war” a little too literally. Not that you’ll hear me complaining. Besides, a job’s a job, am I right?

[Truth be told, Spooky has been fighting monsters for so long that the thought of completely setting that aside hasn't...really sunk in yet. But Spooky is adaptable, he is flexible in more ways than one, and he’ll roll with whatever punches this place throws at him.]

Anyway, if you guys have any questions about sex, relationships, or anything else you’re usually too embarrassed to talk about, you should totally hit me up at my website here:

[Insert link that re-directs your character to the aforementioned site]

You can’t lose, so ask anything you want. It’s completely anonymous, I promise.

[OOC: If you want your character to anonymously submit a question, reply to this post with “Spooky Love Question” in the subject line. These questions will be submitted through his off-network website, and they will be featured on his next network post.

Unless otherwise noted, all other comments will be the usual Network stuff!]

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oh trust me im well aware
ive spent a great deal of time around humans since arriving on earth

which is what the question concerns really
though not a specific situation so much as a prevailing status quo
but even the act of asking itself just seems a little
indiscreet

So you've got a question about general human behavior. Am I understanding that right?

Well, I'm pretty shameless, so you don't have to worry about embarrassing me. And if we make the conversation private, then no one else has to know about it.

not strictly about human behavior
the topic is more the interplay between those who are and those who arent

anyway youre hardly the person im worried about embarrassing here

Glad to hear it! [They've all got enough on their plates without having to worry about offending Spooky's nonexistent sensibilities.]

So you're wondering about interspecies relationships, in other words. Right?

Edited 2017-07-17 05:32 (UTC)

kind of
on a certain level
it isnt as though ive never been in one or anything
its just
you know
there are particular facets that present obstacles within those configurations
so ive never properly explored them
because when youre an alien in a dating pool that consists largely of physically human prospects
they tend to consider them reluctantly or with an off-putting breed of enthusiasm

Yeah, I imagine that would make it pretty difficult.

[Spooky has been deeply in love with certain non-humans before. Still is in love, really. At the same time, he understands the comfort of sticking with the familiar, and also the problems that come with being fetishized by a partner.]

If you've been thinking about these kinds of questions, does that mean you're still open to the possibility of dating humans?

well the alternative is to give up on dating entirely and resign myself to becoming an old maid
and ive gotten rather bored of that
i might be too young for it anyway

Definitely don't give up! Between the native population and all the imPorts, there's bound to be someone out there you can connect with.

Have you thought about what sorts of things you'd want in a partner?

i dont know
id like to think im not especially picky
and "someone who wants me and is willing to accept all of the baggage that comes packaged with me" already feels like its asking a lot
i suppose someone who would be good to me because ive already wasted enough time on girls who werent
but that almost seems implied by the previous point

it would have to be a woman of course
that part isnt negotiable

Someone who's good to you should be, like, the minimum requirement. Too many people settle for less because they think that's the way it's gotta be.

[Spooky has firsthand experience, unfortunately.]

So by human conventions, I guess you'd be a 6 on the Kinsey scale. Do you have a "type" beyond that?

if my romantic history is any indication then the only type i have usually falls below that minimum requirement
the one time i found an exception was when i initially didnt think i had

Edited 2017-07-19 23:10 (UTC)

What do you mean? You didn't realize she was going to be good to you until after you got together?

exactly that
historically ive tended to go weak in the knees for shitty women

Dude, I get it. Been there, done that. Too many times to count.

That doesn't mean history's gotta keep repeating itself, though. First step of breaking out of the pattern is recognizing it, and it sounds like you do. That's way further than a lot of people get.

of course in that case ill have no idea what my actual type is
only what its been
but i havent really dated much since rose returned home
and im getting tired of not having anyone

Hey, that's fair.

Before you hit the dating scene again, though, it might not be a bad idea to sit down and think about what kind of person you want to date, outside of them not treating you like shit. Even if it's really, really basic stuff like age range, hobbies, stuff like that.

At the very least it'll help you narrow down where to start. And as you get more experience and figure out what you actually DO like in a good girlfriend, you can always add more stuff to the list.

but then theres a slight concern that id only end up with something like "rose but actually here"
she doesnt have to be blonde and short and an avid reader and fond of cats
i think i wouldnt mind if she didnt care for cats at all in fact

but without having many positive relationships i dont know if defining what i want too rigidly would be prudent
the prerequisites are already pretty steep with the baggage i would expect her to accept
or that i even know enough about what i want for it to be possible
but if i had to put an age limit on it i suppose she should be between eighteen and twenty-five
i dont know if maybe thats too high ive never dated anyone older than i am before
but i feel like it would be better to keep myself open to more possibilities

Edited 2017-07-22 05:15 (UTC)

Hey, there's definitely something to be said for keeping your options open. Twenty-Five doesn't sound too high to me.

[Spooky's ideal age range caps at 49, so he's not judging.......]

The main reason I'm suggesting the list stuff is so it won't be so overwhelming. From what I can tell, diving headfirst into the dating pool can be kinda like going into a warehouse full of chocolate. Helps to know what you're allergic to, whether you like sweet or bitter flavors, etc. Just to give yourself a starting point, you know?

But if something new and different and exciting catches your eye while you're walking through the aisles, there's definitely no harm in trying it out (as long as it's not, like...poisonous).

[To be honest, Spooky's never been in a position where he's had to start searching for a companion after a long stretch of being single. At the same time, his case is very strange, and he's also had some pretty awful experiences because he'd never given much weight to what he wanted in a relationship. It wasn't until Amanda came along that he realized it was okay to want good things for himself. Now that he realizes how unhealthy some of his past experiences were, he'd like to at least try to help other people avoid the same problems.

Easier said than done, of course.]

Do you have any positive platonic relationships?

Also, you mentioned this baggage before. Are you talking about past experiences, or current responsibilities?

Edited 2017-07-22 08:38 (UTC)

both
its just everything that goes into being me
and im not always the easiest person to be with
even if you can accept that im a moody alien vampire single mother
im neurotic codependent depressive temperamental
and often just plain mean
my values and thought processes and history arent the same as a humans
not even to mention my biology
id make a high maintenance girlfriend for anyone

so i can hardly see it as a warehouse that i can have my pick from the lot of them
i cant even eat chocolate
id be the niche item in anyone elses stock
too high a price for too dubious a flavor

[ And sure, she has her positive points too, but she's the sort who could never weigh them as highly. She doesn't think it's possible for her to have any kind of objective view of them, not the way she can her negative facets. She's not the type who can assign herself any positive value, certainly not when she's already feeling morose, and certainly not in this context. ]

of course ive had positive platonic relationships
i doubt id still be around otherwise
but theyre very different experiences
no matter the intensity having friends is a poor preparation for a romantic relationship
the two operate on entirely different dynamics

Sorry, didn't realize you couldn't eat chocolate. Shitty analogy on my part, then. My bad.

[Now that she's spelled everything out, the uphill battle for Kanaya becomes a little clearer too.]

Well, some people can transition pretty seamlessly from a platonic to a romantic relationship, and vice versa. Some of my healthier romances have been with people I'd consider friends first and foremost. [His history with Amanda and his current relationship with Kyle come to mind.] But a lot of people don't operate that way, and that's understandable too.

Was there never any overlap between the two where you're from? Like, culturally speaking.

culturally speaking we approached romance in an far more complicated manner than humans do
there were certain overlaps in the way we would approach platonic and romantic relationships

but those tended to be different sorts of relationships than those that closer parallel the human standard
they served specific social functions and had entirely different dynamics between them
they dont really translate to anything i might cultivate with a human and a human wouldnt understand if i were to try

Edited 2017-07-25 07:20 (UTC)

Damn, yeah, that sounds really tough. Not having that common frame of reference, I mean. Most humans probably take that for granted.

Well, for what it's worth, I'm in your corner, Kanaya. Since I'm just a human myself, I'm not going to pretend I fully understand what you're going through or what your needs are. But I *have* had to adjust to a world that's radically different from the place I knew before, so at the very least I might be able to empathize on some level.

As a roommate and a friend, I'm totally willing to answer any human-related questions you might have, or act as a sounding board, or even just listen if you need to vent in the future.

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