Video;

[wizzardly]

Do you suffer from depression?

[good afternoon from this world's resident redheaded Wizzard, who's sitting at an office desk and wearing a green uniform matched with a pointy red hat like that isn't a terrible fashion choice or general life decision. He's attempting to smile. It mostly looks queasy.

Anxiety? Do you have violent thoughts or tendencies? Trouble sleeping? Have you suffered traumatic events in your childhood and/or adulthood, culminating in what most would agree is a rather tragic backstory?

Then perhaps it's time you try - oh, hold on, I had something for this -

[Rincewind pats frantically at his pockets, then bends out of view. When he comes back up, it's to throw a handful of glitter, which shimmers down in a sparkling cloud around, in front of, and ultimately on him. This results in an immediate coughing spell and some swatting at the pieces in his beard.]

- Try - [cough, cough] - psychiatric help!

[cough, curse, gods damn it.]

Er, yes. Conveniently located in Maurtia Falls, Pennsylvania, the doctors at the Maurtia Falls Hos- um, the Maurtia Falls Psychiatric... [oh no. Oh no, what is it called? He works there, what is it called, he knows this! Rincewind's smile twitches, a bead of sweat glistening amidst the glitter on his forehead. He glances quickly to the prepared statement on his desk.]

- Maurtia Falls Psychiatric Hospital for Abnormal Conditions!

[phew.]

This advanced hospital is overseen by imPort psychiatrist Dr. Chilton himself, and is staffed with all sorts of talented individuals ready to assist in bringing out the best -[another glance at the paper, a small wince] - you. That you can be.

Whether you need medication, guided psychological interaction, or even just to talk to someone, therapy can work for you. And I can tell you, because I'm, ah, a success story. Myself.

[honestly, why did they leave that in the script.]

No matter the size your mental troubles, Dr. Chilton and the staff of the Maurtia Falls Psychiatric Hospital are here to help. Appointments can always be scheduled through the front desk, but if you've any questions - [please, oh please don't have questions] - I'm here to answer them as well.

Comments

[wizzardly]

...What, really?

[craftpunk]

Oh yes. Clearly, I need help.

[wizzardly]

Gosh, well - I'm glad you said it.

I don't really typically make the appointments, but I suppose I could take your information, at least. [he rummages for a pen and a clean piece of paper, sweeping some more glitter off the desk.] What days work for you?

1/2

[craftpunk]

[ A long, longpause. ]

Oh.

Oh you think I'm being serious.

[craftpunk]

That's adorable, but I'm a god. We don't need anything like that.

[wizzardly]

[Rincewind sniffs, capping the pen.]

I considered the chance of it being your terrible sarcasm fifty-fifty, I'll be honest. [a beat.] ...Eighty-twenty, if I'm being really honest. But it didn't hurt to try.

Although you should know that gods are about the maddest bastards I've ever met, so I'm not sure you'd like that to be your defense in this case.

[craftpunk]

Yes, well, when you're supposed to live for as long a time as I am, self-improvement seems like something of a waste.

So passing works for me.

Besides, if you think I'm crazy, you should see the others.

[wizzardly]

Not if I don't have to, thank you. I'm deathly allergic to gods. And the more deranged, the worse it is for me, I've found.

[craftpunk]

I don't think you're the outlier in that. When it comes to crazy gods, nobody wins.

[wizzardly]

And there's no telling them they've gone mad, either. That's the worst part with mad people.

[craftpunk]

Most of them have an eerily specific logic that details precisely why they aren't.

That's always the real kicker for when you know they've lost it.

[wizzardly]

Generally I hope to already be running away by the time I realize that.

[craftpunk]

Yeah?

You know, it could just be insidious. There's nobody you know right now that isn't mad?

[wizzardly]

...

...Not... dangerously. [a beat.] To me.

[craftpunk]

Ah, but if it's to anyone else, it doesn't matter, right?

[wizzardly]

I tend to be considerably less interested, yes.

[craftpunk]

Isn't that selfish?

[wizzardly]

Look, it's a tough universe, and we've all got a duty to look out for ourselves. I happen to take mine seriously.

[craftpunk]

Self-Serving... Convinced that the gods are mad...

Have you ever considered that you might not be all that together yourself?

[wizzardly]

No, because you've just listed the reasons why I'm generally the sanest person in a room.

[craftpunk]

After this?

I think you just might be delusional, actually. Especially if you don't care about anyone.

Sociopath.

[ H y p o c r i t e ]

[wizzardly]

Oh! Oh, you're twisting things, I never said - I never said anyone, that's not it at all, and - and - !

And anyway you aren't even a doctor!

[craftpunk]

How do you know?

[wizzardly]

Because you're a bastard.

And so if you were a doctor, it would make any advice you were giving me real medical advice, which would mean you'd been helpful, which would go against you being a bastard to me.

[craftpunk]

[ The laugh that escaped is just shy of bitter. ]

Really? Have you never met a doctor who's a bastard before? Truly?