maskormenace | X05 | Text

[ the silence remains and it's so heavy and almost painful. But when he hears Dee's words, it's even more so.

It's ironic, really, that after his conversation with Odin about pretending to be someone else, about wearing masks, Kaneki is one of those people who continuously wears one, specially when people get close to him. In his uneasiness not to lose D33 before he realized how ugly Kaneki really is inside, Kaneki built a perfect mask he hoped that would be enough. The rule was never to show D33 his demons and how empty he is, and to always be perfect while hiding all of those ugly imperfections. Sometimes it's hard because of course people notice, and that originates ripples like this fight he just had with D33.

He does it because he is afraid he will lose him -- no, Kaneki is certain he will lose D33 the moment he realizes what an empty ugly thing Kaneki is. But it's so unfair to do this too, to let him believe there is any essence inside him to the point he even says out loud he cares for Kaneki. How unfair. Kaneki, who does care for D33 so much, who likes him to the point it's probably love, he can't let this continue while he pretends he's still perfect.

It's the end. ]

Dee- [ no. ] Dee-Thirty-Three. [ Kaneki releases him slowly and puts some space between the two of them as he moves on his chair ] You don't.

[Somehow, it's the correction of his name - D-thirty-three, not "Dee" - that D33 finds the most jarring. Above all things, D33 has always loathed that name - "Dee". And yet, from Kaneki's mouth, it had somehow become bearable to D33's ears - sweet, even. Desired. Now, as the ghoul reclaims it and pulls away, the sound of his preferred name leaves his stomach twisting.

[He straightens where he stands, brow furrowing for a moment, confused. Then, his expression shifts back into annoyance - anger, even. "You don't," he says.]

That isn't for you to decide.

[His voice comes out firm, stern, almost scolding.

[It's hypocritical, honestly, to be so offended by the accusation. After all, how many times had he told K31 that very thing. "I love you," she'd said. "Dee, I love you."

["No, you don't."

[It had been true when he had said it. Because D33 is always right. He knows better. Usually, he's so sure of it that he simply won't be told otherwise. But what really hurts him now, what shakes him, is that when it comes to something like this - when it comes to love - D33 has never been so uncertain.

[Telling Kaneki that he cared for him hadn't just been a statement of fact, no matter how much D33 might like to think so. It had been a confession, an all-too-rare act of trust. How dare the ghoul try to thwart that now? How dare he tell him he's wrong? How dare he make him doubt himself like this?

[D33 simply won't have it. He's said it, he's made up his mind, he's not about to let it go.]

If you do not return those affections, Kaneki, then say so, but do not speak as though you have decided my feelings for me.

[That's not how his life works anymore. No one is allowed to do that anymore.]

Edited 2017-11-05 20:56 (UTC)

[ kaneki shakes his head while his chest feels like it's about to explode, like he will just turn into nothingness and finally be gone. It's hard to formulate words and it's hard to speak and it'll be hard to explain too, but this time he will give the man a reason. It's the least he can do; never before Kaneki gave anyone a reason to why he pushed them away (before they pushed him), but this time he will ]

You need to understand. I'm... nothing. [ he is called so many things and people look at him in such different ways, but ultimately none of them is right. because Kaneki is truly nothing. He is disqualified from being anything. Not human, not ghoul, not a child, not a father, not a mentor, not a friend, not a lover. Not a person. ]

I really wanted to be something for you and I wish that something was true, but I'm so fucked up. [ Kaneki smiles but it's not a happy smile. It's a broken one, so broken that it's hardly recognizable as a smile of any kind ] That's all I am. And no matter how hard I try to be perfect for you, it's just a lie, don't you see? [ of course he does. He might not have seen then, but there is no excuse not to see now ]

You care for something that isn't there.

Edited 2017-11-05 21:06 (UTC)

Don't smile at me like that.

[This time, the man full on snaps, taking a step back from the ghoul and shaking his head, teeth gritting as he does so. It's rage that boils in his chest now - terrified, panicked rage. He tries his best to swallow it down, to keep himself from striking that stupid smile off of his face.

[Fucked up, he says. As if D33 isn't the very definition. If Kaneki is nothing, then D33 is nothing too, and he can accept that-- He has accepted that. He's never sought to be anything himself. He's never sought anything period. Sought his freedom foolishly, sought affection just as foolishly, and now look where it's landed him? He's practically shaking.]

You are not nothing to me, Kaneki Ken. [He spits it through his teeth.]

You--

[You are everything to me.

[No. Keep your cool. Keep it objective. State the facts. Push, push, push.

[Well, here it is:]

You are the only thing I have ever had. Do you understand that?

Don't be so fu--

[He stops, sucks in a deep breath.]

Selfish.

[ if Kaneki is everything, then D33 would have nothing truly, and he deserves more than that. So much more. He closes his eyes and turns away when D33 snaps at him. He must understand but he doesn't, and Kaneki doesn't know how to explain him that the thing he loves is just a thing or perhaps even less than that.

He isn't just selfish. He is selfish, unfair, disgusting - ] I am! And worse than that - that's the point! You just don't see it because I've been trying so hard to hide it from you-

But I can't, Dee, I can't...! [ he can't lie to him, he can't hide from him, not when things are like this ] You don't deserve that. [ he doesn't deserve this either, of course not. Kaneki cares so much for him and the last thing he wanted was to show him this whole thing. ]

Please understand. [ kaneki's once desperate voice softens again and he shakes his head ] I'm selfish, unfair, disgusting, ugly , and not even qualified of being anything at all. And the person you care for is just a mask. He no longer exists. Just fragments of something long gone. [ he did exist, long ago. But not anymore ]

Edited 2017-11-05 21:29 (UTC)

No.

[No, he won't accept that. He won't accept that what he's been feeling these past couple of months - the warmth of Kaneki's arms, the ease with which D33 sleeps next to him, the comfort of his company, the--

[God, the joy that Kaneki brings him, it's--

[It's like nothing that D33 has every felt before - so much so that D33 can barely even recognize it for what it is. Happiness.

[Happiness. Easy, subtle, unthreatening happiness. Happiness that has so eluded D33 his entire life that he literally cannot even assign the word to it. He has no idea what it is that Kaneki does to him. All he knows is that he can't bear to lose it now.

[It is everything to him. And now it's D33 who sounds desperate as he steps forward, taking - he'll force it if he has to - Kaneki's face in his hands and pleading with his eyes.]

Kaneki.

Please.

[He sucks in a breath, swallows something down as he presses their foreheads together.]

If you truly believe that to have you is to suffer, then I implore you, Kaneki.

Let me suffer.

[He closes his eyes then, fingers moving to tangle themselves in the ghoul's hair. And he breathes against Kaneki's lips.]

I know I will go mad without you.

[ Don't do this.

He can't take it. As usual kaneki expected a response he didn't get; he expected disgust, he expected hatred, he expected to be told to go away, he expected anger, and he expected to lose D33 right there the moment he told him he is nothing like D33 wants him to be (or whatever Kaneki thinks D33 wants). But he is imploring, begging and Kaneki feels like his heart will break into tiny pieces to hear him like that.

Kaneki tries to look away, but as the man touches his cheeks and presses their foreheads together, he feels like crying. The next words come as a whisper alone: ]

I'm a mass murderer, I've killed my best friend, I've let my child and friends be killed because of my weakness, I've betrayed my family, I've hurt so many people, and I've tried to die many times before. And now that I want to live, I don't even know for what reason. [ kaneki closes his eyes and so gently presses his nose against D33's ]

Do you see? I have no essence inside of me.

Edited 2017-11-05 22:00 (UTC)

[D33 lets out a breath - God, it's almost a laugh - pure relief at the simple feeling of Kaneki brushing their noses together. He shakes his head, whispering back.]

You and I both, Kaneki.

[More than the ghoul can possibly understand - more than D33 has ever allowed him to understand. Kaneki isn't the only one who has been keeping things, but whatever transgressions the ghoul is confessing now mean little to D33. He doesn't care about any of it. It doesn't even begin to bother him, what this man he loves might have done or might continue to do.

[Only one thing matters to him right now. Not survival, not pride, but the breath against his lips, the nose against his nose - Kaneki Ken.

[He takes the chance then, in case it might be his last, to press their lips together in what, for D33, must seem like an impossibly tender kiss, full of affection that the man didn't even know could exist. It's desperate, pleading like his words. He'll never live this down if Kaneki decides to throw him away now.

[As he breaks away, he speaks softly but firmly.]

You...[He takes one of the ghoul's hands in his own, bringing it up to his chest and curling his fingers tightly around it.]...are mine.

I refuse to let you go.

Do you understand?

[One last act of desperation - a command. A refusal. He will not do it. He will not lose him. He will not let Kaneki cast him out.]

[ Kaneki has no plans on being the one to break it off, of being the one to make the decision. Kaneki avoids making decisions like this, decisions that are important to him, and he often has to be pushed to them. And this time, he certainly expected D33 to be the one to make it - to break it off - because he'd never make it himself.

When he feels D33's lips against his in all of their tenderness he feels like he doesn't deserve any of it. D33 holds his hand and he can only look back at him. Maybe D33 will realize tomorrow or the day after the mistake he made, maybe Kaneki will be pushed away when he realizes what he really meant.

And it's so scary. It's easier to lose him now than later. It's easier now, while d33 still hasn't found out everything that is wrong with him. And yet Kaneki can't say another word, he can't say anything else that would make d33 see it, that would make him push Kaneki away. ]

... I understand. [ and he gives up on trying to get D33 to see. because in the end, kaneki is just a very lonely broken person who is in love and somehow still dreams of being loved too. Despite how much he hates himself, how much Kaneki still goes back to think of death, he loves d33. And he is so lonely, too. ]

... I'm so scared, Dee. [ of losing him, now or later, of not having him, scared of scaring him, scared of showing him what he really is. Kaneki is so, so scared. ]

["I understand."

[D33's entire body seems to relax at the ghoul's soft, scared words. It's a relief that can't be spoken, and he immediately pulls Kaneki in for another long kiss before making any attempt to respond, arms wrapping firmly around him.

[Talk about fear - and D33 knows fear. Never had he known it like that, though.

[He lets out a slow breath as he breaks the kiss, pressing one to the top of Kaneki's head, then, before resting his chin on top of it, arms still curled tightly around his little ghoul.]

Scared of what, Kaneki? [He breathes it, unable to help the sound of relief that leaks into his voice as he does so. He doesn't mean to sound dismissive, and to show it he goes back to laying their foreheads together, cupping Kaneki's cheek.

[He's listening.]

[ he never explained it, to anyone. What he felt - what he truly felt; Chilton, who is his psychiatrist, might know more about kaneki, but there is still so much he hides even from his own doctor who is meant to be helping Kaneki.

The kisses that follow are like a soft touches even if D33's arms wrap around him so tightly. The way he presses kaneki against him and for some time, the ghoul doesn't really know what to say and how to explain it. it's until he feels his eyes sting that suddenly kaneki's arms grip hard on the man's shirt, like someone clinging to his life who refuses to let go ]

Of letting you see. What if you realize I'm too much of a mess, what if you see I'm not what you expected and wanted, what If I'm... just not right enough?

... I'm so lonely... [ it's almost like a contradiction, but it's not. kaneki has always been so lonely and he continues to be because he makes himself lonely. By not showing others who he really is, always hiding, always pretending. he is so lonely and so tired ]

[D33 simply shakes his head at the man's words, and, as unexpected as it might be, when he pulls back to face Kaneki, there is just the smallest of fond little smiles on his face. He brings up a finger to run it over the ghoul's cheek, shaking his head again.]

I can assure you, Kaneki, that I have never wanted anything more.

[He's never wanted anything period. He'd seen no sense in it. He'd seen no hope that he might achieve it even if he had.

[It doesn't matter to him that Kaneki is a mess - not when he's such a "mess" himself, by the ghoul's own standards. And he certainly knows what it's like to feel lonely.

[He doesn't feel lonely with Kaneki. And what a novel feeling that is.]

You needn't worry about such things, Kaneki. I will make it clear to you should any occasion arise in which I need to.

It doesn't matter to me what you've done.

["I've done it too," he thinks, and he nearly says so. But this isn't really about him right now (for once).]

[ it should matter. Because this is the core of everything that is Kaneki. Guilt personified, self-hatred, self-disgust, and no sense of himself in any single way, and it all stems down from what he did and what he didn't do, the things that happened to him and the consequences of every action he took. It was just four years, and it it reshaped Kaneki again and again, into something worse every time. It may not matter to anyone else what he has done (specially not here) but it doesn't change a thing about the way Kaneki is.

Of course, D33 doesn't know Kaneki and maybe that's why it's so easy to say it doesn't matter. Whatever reason, Kaneki doesn't try to get the other to see it anymore. D33 refuses to break it off, and Kaneki can't be the one to do it because he is in love, too.

The leans forward, pressing his cheek against D33's chest, and stays quiet like that, eyes closed. he doesn't know what else to say, so Kaneki just stays like that, arms still around D33. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. ]

Edited 2017-11-07 13:24 (UTC)

X05 | Text | UN: D33

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