(no subject)

[photophobic]

[ Kylo's expression is tight, his eyes intensely sharp- and those who have seen him before will note something else, too. His face is scarred- a long, neatly healed line running right over it, from his brow down to his neck. ]

Thankfully, he hasn't taken his clothing off for the occasion. ]

I'm back.

[ That's it. ]

Comments

[photophobic]

I don't know.

[ He suspected the former, but he couldn't be certain- without the pain sustaining his power through the Dark Side, he might well have died. At the time, he'd been too distracted to think about it much. ]

It isn't important. He succeeded in neither. I survived, and I have returned.

How have you been.

[articulations]

No, it is important. Chewbacca would never attack Han's son.

[ Unless whatever it was that Ben had done was unforgivable. Something Leia doesn't want to think about, the severity of his crime. ]

I was worried, when you'd left. I'm unfamiliar still with how the porter works. We didn't know if you would return or not.

[photophobic]

You have to realise. I hadn't seen either of you since I was a child.
I rejected Ben Solo and made every effort to purge his weakness.

Chewbacca didn't try to kill Han Solo's son.
I did.
Chewbacca shot Kylo Ren.

[articulations]

My son would not be weak. I already know you have my temper. But I also know you're strong. Not just as Kylo Ren.

You need to tell me: are you my son or are you not?

[ It needs to be cleared up. What does he want? Besides to exist here? That night she'd gone to him, and now with him back, what was going on? How was she supposed to treat him? ]

[photophobic]

[ He knows the answer immediately.
He had killed his father, yes. But he hadn't removed him. It had proven impossible. Snoke had known it- he had too much of his father's heart.
And his mother?
He can still feel her eyes on him, his thumb hovering over the trigger.

Had she known, before she died? That it hadn't been him that fired the shot? Or had she believed her faith in him misplaced, the last thought before she faded out?

The fact that he hasn't been able to silence that question answers hers.

I am your son, he types, but cannot send.
He deletes the words and tries again. ]

I want to be your son.

[ He hits send. He clutches his device tightly. ]

[articulations]

Is that what you really want? Do you want to be Ben Solo? Or would you prefer to be Kylo Ren?

Ben is the name I gave you. It's the name of hope. That name is what gave Luke and I both hope.

[ You were my hope. ]

private as fuck because no one else in this convo is

[flightforfreedom]

uh

general


[Poe is typing. It appears several times, but no actual messages get sent, until finally:]

you sure you want this on the public record

private as fuck because look she's always private but sometimes it gets away from her

[articulations]

[ She might've actually whispered what the fuck to herself here, thanks new world for teaching such wonderful words Leia stares down at the unexpected message coming through.

Oh.

Oh no. ]

Too late now, isn't it.

I'm always so good at making sure the settings are set to private.

sometimes you just gotta air the family dirty laundry, that's how it goes

[flightforfreedom]

yeah.

[There's a very, very, very long pause before he sends the following:]

look

i know how luke feels about
second chances
here

and i have been doing my utmost to stay on board with that

but

[However, whatever he was going to say as a 'but' just doesn't come. Poe is typing appears a few more times, but no more words.]

skywalkers man don't ever befriend them

[articulations]

But what?

I see you typing on and off. Is there more you want to say?

look, poe was doomed to be tangled up in this from when he was two. he knows the score

[flightforfreedom]

just

be careful


i can't figure out what the hell he's trying to do with this

dammit shara

[articulations]

He wants to exist here. Without the war. Without the opposing sides.

I admit it's a hard thing to wrap my head around. He's an Imperial to me because of the side he chose. But he's also my son.

Somehow we wronged him, Han and I, when he was young. Part of me wants to fix that.

What you're telling me is that he could turn on me, is that it? Do you honestly believe he would hurt me?

mom don't take his other mom's name in vain please

[flightforfreedom]

[Yeah of course he could hurt you, he killed his own father, what the hell else am I supposed to expect from him.

He doesn't send it.

It's a while before he replies, and when he does it all comes in a rush. (He might have learnt his lesson and typed up his reply somewhere else and then copied and pasted it so that she couldn't call him on it.)]

i'm saying he's completely unpredictable and dangerous

and i know

that you want to hold out hope for him

i know

but he's not

if he cares about what happens to you, it's because it helps him in some way
if he wants to start a new life here without the war it's because he's getting something out of it

no matter what you did

he stood on the bridge of the starkiller as it slaughtered billions of innocent people

he can think what he wants but this was never about sides. you've met finn. and you've met bodhi. and they were both on the other 'side', and i couldn't possibly trust two men more

even here i've met imperials that i consider good men

but nothing

literally nothing

that you or han could have ever possibly done

would be enough to justify starkiller.

ever.

sorry sorry rest her soul

[articulations]

Would things be any different if he hadn't stood on the bridge of Starkiller?

I know he's dangerous. I know he's unpredictable. But I also know he won't hurt me.

I'm not sure yet what he could possibly get out of caring for me, it seems to only offer him nothing but pain and suffering.

He came to me Poe, before he disappeared. I mean, we spoke, he reached out. I went to him and we had talked. I need to keep an open mind to him the same as I do with Anakin.

He wants to see me. Right now. Let me speak with him a little more. If you don't hear back from me in 24 hours, well, I hope it won't get to that.

[flightforfreedom]

between him and i? no. he proved to me what he was long before that. but you might have still found a way to reach him.

be careful.

good luck.

[articulations]

[ There's no reply. It doesn't come for a long while, when it does. Well into the night. She might be interrupting his sleep or he might be up, who knows. Or he'll wake up to a message from her. ]

He's gone.

[ It'd taken her so long to go to her comm once Kylo had left; sleep doesn't seem like it's going to happen, not tonight. ]

[photophobic]

[ A sharp rush of fury surges through him. He knows full well what they all hoped Ben Solo might be. He remembers the endless, exhausting struggle to suppress the darkness, the futile effort to fit himself into the role they laid out for him. 
He remembers giving everything he had to satisfy them.
And he remembers his uncle standing over him, lightsaber drawn and murder in his eyes.

Does he want to be Ben Solo? How can she ask him that, as if it is as simple as wishing something could be so. As if becoming Kylo Ren had been anything other than a necessity. An inevitability.
As if Luke hadn't made that decision for him, the night he decided to kill Ben Solo to destroy the monster sleeping under his skin.
He hadn't abandoned the Light. No. It had abandoned him.

He types I am what I am.
No. He deletes and tries again. You know what I am.
No. Again.

I am Kylo Ren.

He breathes out, finger hovering over the send button as if he is back in his fighter, his mother in the sights.

And again, he can't do it. He can't. ]

I don't know what I am.


Can I see you.

[articulations]

[ This comes in almost immediately after Poe's message. Starkiller. Hosnian Prime. Those billions of innocent people hadn't stood a chance. The same as the people of Alderaan hadn't-- her people.

Leia closes her eyes doesn't reply to either of them. The messages sit for a few moments. Her device is placed down so she can drag her hands over her face and press her fingers into her eyes, taking deep breaths.

Conflict, suffering, it's there in Ben. Leia wants to help ease it, but then Poe's warnings, his side of the argument. What Ben did to him.

Shouldn't the decision already have been made? Shouldn't she have made up her mind?

Why can't he decide who or what he is? ]

Of course you can. I'm at home.

Come by when you're ready.

action;

[photophobic]

[ He hates the relief he feels on reading that response.

He leaves almost immediately, not stopping to reply or explain where he's going- his heart pounding as he knocks on her door and waits.
It doesn't make him any calmer remembering the last time he came to this house. ]

action; for life

[articulations]

[ She may have been pacing on and off before the knock had come, to keep busy, hands clasped and wringing tightly. Leia had essentially told Poe to not message her, that she would contact him, once this meeting was over, still holding firm to the fact that she felt that her son wouldn't hurt her.

A deep breath to calm any nerves that threaten to show, a neutral expression slides into place before she opens the door. A small smile appears after she takes a short moment to look at him, seeing that nothing has outright changed since he'd left, other than the scar at his cheek and jaw edge.

One thing he may or may not notice: she'd cut her hair. No longer does it freely hang down to her waist but instead it hangs at chest level and at her shoulder blades, naturally and loosely curled. ]

Come in.

[photophobic]

[ It's almost too much, just seeing her face. This place is a miracle he knows he doesn't deserve- the dead breathe again. His mother stands in front of him.
She is his mother, he knows. Nothing will ever extinguish that for him.

He pauses, as if making certain she is sure, and crosses the threshold- looming tall and still over her. He doesn't smile, grief trembling under the surface of his fragile control. ]

Mother.

[articulations]

[ The smile slips, straightens. The door's closed behind him and she takes that moment to lift her eyes to his face and quietly search his expression.

He wants to be her son. He wants to be Ben. ]

How are you feeling?

[ To test the waters, that feels like the safest question to ask.

Leia wants to reach out a hand but they remain clasped in front of her. Poe's words hang in the back of her mind. She won't let Ben in just yet,
won't reach with the Force. ]

[photophobic]

[ How is he feeling?
He feels lost. He feels distress, fear, anger- despair. Grief. He feels like a storm wearing skin- and her reticence only makes it rage stronger. His gaze drops to her carefully clasped hands. No embrace for him now.
He doesn't push it. ]

Can't you feel it?

[articulations]

I didn't feel it was appropriate to try. [ Her hands loosen then, relax to hang at her sides. ] Like anything else, I assumed there are boundaries with the Force. It might feel invasive, if you wished to keep your feelings to yourself.

[ She knew that she would prefer to keep her thoughts and emotions private, even when they got away from her. However, his question feels like permission, and so she does try to reach out with the Force, grazing the surface of what feels like a maelstrom of emotion. ]

[photophobic]

You are always with me.

[ His voice is quiet, his tone hard to read- mostly because he can't recognise his own emotions, let alone begin to process them- but he means to tell her that it's impossible for her to invade a place she already occupies. ]

You always will be.

[ He places no barriers in her path, no restrictions or conditions. She can have as much or as little of him as she chooses- as much as she has the ability to discern. He offers it all. Surrenders it. She can have his anger and his hated, his fear and despair. She can have his struggle and conflict, his desperate longing to go back to a home that does not exist, the yawning chasm of loss and grief, betrayal and failure. She can have the parts of him that he doesn't recognise- the fierce, protective love he has begun to cultivate here. The relief of being seen and not hated or feared. The new terror that looms over the idea of daring to build only to have it snatched away. ]

What do you see?