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[thunderriere]

[ the video opens on the handsome face and stupidly broad shoulders of a rather cheery-looking man, which is a little at odds with the fact that he's in a holding cell in a Heropan police station. it looks like he's wearing some sort of leather-like tunic, like a lightweight armor; there's a bright blue pauldron covering one shoulder, the other bare, and there's clearly a cape attached on one side, but not the other. his hair and beard are both short, neatly trimmed, and his smile is a friendly, genuine sort — again, a little at odds with the scene behind him, where the sliding crossed-bar metal door separates the man from the wider view of the police station, several uniformed officials in the background going about their jobs. ]

[ also, he's got an eye patch. metal. ... literally, it's made of metal. there's a wicked-looking scar running beneath it, from his brow and across his cheek, so the covering is probably deserved. ]

Hello there, New Earth.

[ he waves at the camera. ]

It's quite a different planet than the last Earth I visited. A little less familiar, a little less besieged by aliens. Fewer wizards, maybe. Still mostly human, though, you've got that going for you.

[ although there's some din of other people in the ambient background noise, there's a suspicious-sounding cough caught suspiciously-close to the microphone; the man's single eye flicks away from the camera to instead stare at the suspiciously off-screen source. ]

What? Oh, come on, would you really have preferred an Earth full of Dark Elves?

[ he continues to stare at this suspicious someone off-screen; the camera shifts a little to the side, and starts to turn— ]

[ —there's a somewhat comedic-sounding yelp, and then... some sort of bird call? the camera jostles violently before being covered by something dark. ]

[ a heavy sigh follows. ]

Now you're just being absurd.

[ after a moment, the feed comes back to show a pretty brunette woman in a blue dress, looking like she tumbled in from a semi-casual renaissance faire. she stands stiffly, her arms crossed, sending an absolutely murderous glare towards the first speaker. her lips are pressed tightly together, and she seems to have no intention of actually saying anything. from elsewhere-further off-camera, a younger man's voice: dude! do Beyonce next! ]

You'll have to excuse my brother here. [ the one-eyed man indicates the brunette woman with an extended thumb; there are smears of blood on his fingers, a splash of red all across his palm. he smiles, but it's quite Tired. ] He's a bit of a coward when it comes to meeting new people. Always makes a bad first impression. I can't take him anywhere.

I told you I wouldn't include myself in this. [ the woman (apparently the man's "brother") finally speaks, but her words are hushed and angry, and directed at the one-eyed man. she reaches toward the camera—it swings away from her before she can grab it, and the picture is a blur of color. her voice continues from off-screen in an anxious hiss: ] I'm trying to keep a low profile. Stop talking before you completely ruin it.

If you wanted to keep a low profile, you shouldn't have gotten us arrested the day we got here.

[ the picture finally refocuses from a different angle; it's further away from our idiot leads, who are clearly distracted by their argument. ]

How was I supposed to know they'd overreact? You're the expert on this backwoods planet. [ he isn't given chance to interrupt; the woman barrels on, as if her few minutes of silence had only allowed her thoughts to build up pressure for a flood: ] We don't even have to be here, you know. I can just walk us out whenever we like. This cell isn't even enchanted. [ a beat. ] It's pitiful, really.

We're not becoming fugitives of human law because you don't want to pay bail after you stabbed a man in a diner.

[ the man rolls his single eye and shrugs his shoulders, but looks once more at the camera. he smiles, deflective. just a little spat between siblings! that's normal! ]

Sorry. Where are my manners? I am Thor, son of Odin of Asgard. Thank you for bringing me and my brother to your planet. Unfortunately, I've already had my share of being imprisoned this week, so if any of you would like to barter for my release, that'd be great, thanks.

[ he waves his hand toward the camera — yep, still covered in blood — and the feed ends there. ]

Comments

[thunderriere]

Look, sometimes the only way to get to where you need to go is to go through the devil's anus, and it's not my fault, I didn't name it. The only way to save my people was to go through that asshole in a stolen spaceship.

It could happen to anybody.

[killtime]

[ The Devil's Anus. Wow. ]

Listen, I'm not judging if you have a fixation with assholes. This is the 21st Century, Odinson.

[thunderriere]

[ he didn't know it was called that when he picked it!!!!!!! he's cry ]

I suppose evading judgment is the best I can expect now.

[killtime]

You lose that eye to the Devil's Anus?

[thunderriere]

No, it was cut out by my sister. The Goddess of Death.

She's dead now, though.

[killtime]

Well. At least she stabbed you in the front and not the back.

[thunderriere]

There was plenty of that, too. She was trying to kill me. Stabbed whatever her weapons could reach.

Anyway, enough about her. [ and assholes. ] What are the dangers of this world? Enemies, would-be conquerors, violent morons?

[killtime]

[ A light scoff. ]

Other ImPorts, mostly. We're the most dangerous thing around here.

[thunderriere]

[ he nods. ] Violent morons. That's easy enough.

[killtime]

Famous last words.

[thunderriere]

[ oh, he just laughs at that. ]

We just bested the Goddess of Death herself. The latest in a long and powerful chain of foes. We'll be fine.

[killtime]

I can't honestly tell if you're really that strong or just really full of shit.

[thunderriere]

[ he just smiles and gives a thumbs-up to the camera. ]

I hope you'll have no need to find out.

[killtime]

You say it like that, and I almost want to.

[thunderriere]

We'll see what fate has in store. A wise king never seeks out war, though he must always be ready for it; I won't be the one starting any battles, Lady.

[killtime]

Andy.

It's Andy.

[thunderriere]

Andy. A pleasure. You may call me Thor.

[ sure, he's introduced himself a million times, but this is permission. important distinction. ]

[killtime]

Guess we're on a first name basis now.

[ jk she only has a first name so ]

Might as well be, I suppose. You're probably gonna be stuck on this planet for a while.

[thunderriere]

That's alright. I've been meaning to come back to Earth anyway.

[killtime]

To this shithole? Why?

[thunderriere]

Well, it's still in one piece, which is more than I can say for my home. Besides, it's not so bad here. You have coffee and poptarts, which are rare among other realms. Nice views. Humans, always good for a laugh. Easy to find in the cosmos.

What's not to like?

[killtime]

Coffee and fucking Poptarts. You're easy to please.

[thunderriere]

Thank you.