01 ▷ video

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Hello, network. The feed opens up to shelves and shelves of stuff -- stereos, power tools, appliances, speakers, the works. You name it, you see it. There's even a display rack of guitars hanging on one wall along with amplifiers. And, whoa, hey, was that a horse from a carousel? What the heck?

Today you'll be treated to the dulcet tones of Rupert Holmes' voice as he sings "Escape," though the music is indistinct and soft, almost as if it were playing over headphones. ]

Okay, look-- [ The camera flips around to a dude looking pretty aggravated, and-- oh, hey, those headphones we mentioned earlier are hanging around his neck. ] --I've only been working here for, like, a day or two? But I think it's time for some serious changes. So we're implementing a new rule at the pawn shop, alright? If you're gonna mess around with the guitars, the following songs are now banned.

[ He ticks them off on his fingers as he names them: ]

"Smoke on the Water." "Sweet Child of Mine." "Back in Black." "Purple Haze." "Crazy Train."

And "Stairway to" friggin' "Heaven."

We all get it, rock star. You kinda know your way around a guitar, and you kinda know, like, the first couple bars of the cool parts, but you're seriously not impressin' anyone with your half-remembered riffs.

So to anyone who wants to come in and plans on playing even one note of those songs -- and trust me, I'll know, -- be advised: I have guns. I will use them with extreme prejudice.

[ He pauses for a beat, scrunching up his lips, then he shrugs. ]

Pretty sure that's it. Have a good one.

[ -- and the video ends. ]

Comments

AUDIO.

[selfimage]

You may be forty years too late.

[ and with flair! ]

Bring on the dubstep!

audio;

[nostalgiabomb]

... Bring on the what-step?

Is that a dance or something?

[selfimage]

I think the question is what isn't dance nowadays?

About that forty years ...

[nostalgiabomb]

What about 'em?

[selfimage]

They seem to be mysteriously missing.

Don't tell me you haven't gotten the select individual with fingers only in tune with Counting Stars, now, have you?

[nostalgiabomb]

[ a short pause, then, ] How's that one go again?

[selfimage]

[ guess who's starting to enthusiastically hum the tune to Counting Stars? you asked for this headache, Peter Quill. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Thoughtfully, ] "Counting Stars," OneRepublic, 2013.

[ A beat of silence, then, ] Yeah, haven't heard it before.

[selfimage]

Consider this your path to annoyance.

[ maybe he sounds too excited about the prospect of ruining something. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

Bro, that path is already well-paved.

In fact, they've redone it, like, six times now. It's pretty nice, though. You should take a look at it. They put in some really nice streetlamps.

[selfimage]

They'd most likely the stairway instead.

The stairway to heaven.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ Flatly, ] Ha. Ha.

[selfimage]

Goes the way of the metaphor, perhaps.

Reciting the wrong lyrics in a hilariously satyrical fashion may hinder their musical pursuits.

[nostalgiabomb]

You know, I doubt most of these guys even know half of the lyrics. I'd imagine the joke would go over their heads.

[selfimage]

Not when they sing it back to someone else.

[ hums to himself. ]

I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People livin' in competition, and all I want is to have a piece of pie-aiye.

[nostalgiabomb]

... Wow. [ He says it with a huffed laugh. ] You're the worst. I might have to steal that idea of yours, now.

[selfimage]

Bringing you cult classics, such as ...

Don't you wonder sometimes, 'bout salmon fishing?

[ because everyone just needs a little David Bowie. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ It takes him a second to recognize the song, then remember the actual lyrics. Once he does, he laughs a little again. ]

I take it you've pulled that kinda crap before?

[selfimage]

Mischief is sort of what I do.

[ he says smoothly, like he's done it a million times before. ]

[nostalgiabomb]

Yeah? So, what'd you get assigned? Prank store?

[selfimage]

Ah, you could say I've decided to further my career beyond my assigned profession.

[nostalgiabomb]

Soooo, what. Politician?

[selfimage]

An interesting leap in logic.

Er—no. I left that behind several incarnations ago.

I own a club.

[nostalgiabomb]

... "Incarnations." [ what. ]

Oh, hey. Do you know Verity? She mentioned a guy named Loki who owned a club.

[selfimage]

I'm suddenly known as the "Loki guy."

Yes, that would be me. The Loki guy that owns a club.