maskormenace | NOVEMBER 10TH, 2015

THE MAJORITY REPORT: NOVEMBER 10TH, 2015

FOSTER THE PEEPLE
As seen in all local imPort city newspapers:
De Chima Animal Shelter seeks imPorts for fostering!
With local animal rescues expecting to reach capacity over the upcoming holiday seasons, the De Chima Animal Shelter is reaching out to members of the imPort population who may be interested in the companionship of a dog or cat, but don't feel that they can commit to long-term ownership due to unstable existences. Even a few months of a loving household can go a long way in finding our shyer shelter residents a permanent home! Some restrictions do apply, as the shelter cannot in good conscience allow imPorts listed as Criminal to volunteer as fosters.

GRUMPY CAT: HUMAN EDITION
As seen on BlueTube, USTube, and the popular clickbait website Fuzzfeed:
Have you seen it? Are you SWAG enough to have seen it? Don't worry potential cool kid, here's the home video from infamously handsome TV host Stan Pines that went viral over the weekend, creating this week's new internet sensation! Find out why this man has 12 PhDs but can't put on a sweater without being stabbed*!
*Video contains no actual stabbing.

NAIAD FOR TV!
NBSea has a BRAND NEW "documentary" airing 10:00 PM EST on November 10th! Following the frenetic fervor of their successful shark endeavors, the sharp teethed executives at NBSea have shifted their usual educational programming to something more of the popular consumption variety -- this means CONSPIRACIES. Or as NBSea will call it: conspiraSEAS! This evening's "documentary" offers the theory that not only do mermaids actually exist and the government KNOWS and is ACTIVELY HIDING MERMAIDS FROM YOU, but that in fact the following imPorts are UNDER THE SEA COVER MERMAID SPIES:
Kitty Jones
April Ludgate(-Graham)
Dipper Pines
Mewtwo
Jang Junseo
Hazel Lockwood
The Iron Bull
Lapis Lazuli
Ripley
Athos
Papyrus
Carl Grimes
Tobias Matthews
Agent Texas

The takeaway from the program is clear: approach these merPorts with caution and make offerings of raw fish to appease the creatures.

VOGUE GONE ROGUE
Nailed it!, the high-end fashion nail polish company wants to produce the first and MOST EXCLUSIVE imPort line OF NAIL POLISH. All proceeds will go to Nailed it! and their stockholders. The company is looking for ONE color suggestion per imPort in order to market that imPort's face over that imPort's personalized and stylish hue! Nailed it! will take any offer, literally just comment with a color and you will have your own thematic nail polish out on the shelves by Friday.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from BLOOD ORANGE to EVERGREEN in response to the unusually calm and perfectly normal activity afoot.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

NOVEMBER 10TH, 2015

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