text; idk hi

[rekt]

[ exhibit A of why teenagers shouldn't be allowed to stash booze and live without supervision. here's john murphy, professional underaged human garbage. ]

heropians, super freaks, import nation, whatever the hell we're supposed to be calling ourselves. importkru? im not even drunk enough for that.

i need an advice column. i have dilemmas.

1 - what do u do when ur teen orgy roommates keep a man sized devil bird as a pet and ur pretty sure its gonna try 2 eat ur eyeballs some night? its name is henrietta, which makes it sounds like it should b wearing a frilly dress + a sun hat idk but its hideous

2 - what abt when the guy ur getting free money from needs a revenge boot up his ass but u need more popsicles?

3 - was ne1 else a lot more badass in nightmare soviet america than currently?

4 - whats the perfect gift that says 'thx 4 the free housing but ur virgin experimenting is awkward 2 b around'?


ps, hahaha i love the problems i have here, god bless america

Comments

text.

[admemoriam]

1. henrietta is a delight and you just need to buy her more burgers, also we haven't had any orgies

2. not touching this one

3. no bc i was busy getting tortured

4. excuse you not everyone here is a virgin

text.

[rekt]

1. im not rewarding creepy behavior. train ur monster pet properly.

3. i guess ur incapable of multitasking

4. tmi

[admemoriam]

1. she's not a pet she's an independent woman

3. that tends to happen when someone saws off your arm

4. says the guy talking about someone else's sex life on the network

["Sex life". Or lack thereof.]

text

[incogneto]

1. Buy henrietta a dress.
2. Get a real job.
3. No.
4. Money to cover breaking the lease and a notification of moving.

[rekt]

1. i can buy u a dress instead
2. no
2b. i had 1, they fired me
3. w/e not evry1 starts off floating teenagers around 4 fun
4. but its free

text

[divaricate]

1: train it to answer only to you.
2: get your own job so that you can buy all the popsicles you want.
3: nah.
4: a basket of fruit.


[Some of her answers may be less serious than others.]

[rekt]

1 - thats actually rly helpful, ty
2 - nah im bad at jobs
4 - what kind of fruit in it tho

text

[am_i_a_monster]

But you are drunk?

1 - give it something else to eat instead.

2 - find another source of money or put up with him.

3 - I don't know. I fought for what I thought was right so, yes? But I died, so no?

4 - give yourself a gift of ear plugs and don't look at them.

they are better than other problems.

text

[rekt]

i need 2 b more drunk

1 - its not getting charity from me just 4 being creepy
2 - but its free
3 - thats cool but i meant power-wise
4 - r u always this passive abt annoying shit?

exactly

[text]

[carbonfrozen]

1. get on its good side and feed it whatever it wants that aren't your eyeballs

2. revenge boot, then get a job

3. no

4. cake

[rekt]

1. that or training it 2 b loyal seems like the concensus
2. i dont do jobs
3. weird
4. why cake?

[taraincognita]

1. run away 2 the desert, there are almost no orgies there

2. steal popsicles, put boot up ass

3. no

4. oh my god literally just move out dude

[rekt]

1. absolutely not. screw the desert. there's no orgies there bc freaking evry1 is dead. [ he's had some bad times in deserts, okay? ]

2. A+ best answer so far, u win

4. its free

[morethan084]

How drunk are you?

[rekt]

not enugh

text;

[dejerate]

Never had pets and I dealt with roommates by moving with others from home so I dunno how much help I am there but.

I hear you. Problems like these really make this place seem like a vacation from things back home, huh?

[...He'll ignore the 'virgin experimenting' part. Of course.]

text;

[rekt]

the only person here from home tried to shoot me + sacrifice me so nah

not seem like. is.

text; username dh4z3

[nastygram]

1 - animal control duh

2 - sell his ass out, rake in that sweet sweet sellout cash money, live like a free king on a throne of popsicles

3 - no :( u?

4 - a cake that says "thnx 4 the free housing but ur virgin experimenting is awkward 2 b around" in icing
insert here a pic of that congrats on the sex cake but all shooped w/ --^

ps, do not come up with a snappy name for we the people
imPorts is lame enough

[rekt]

1. idk if i hate the ppl who work there that much

2. p sure i get fuck all in cash 4 selling him out. just satisfaction. which buys nothing.

3. yea, it was like i actualyl knew what i was doing

4. mayb i should do it in cupcakes. make it a word scramble.

im not the person 4 snappy names ne way, so deal

TEXT.

[specialise]

[ jsyk, raven can't help herself. she hates murphy, but he's the only asshole she knows well here, and hence she bothers to reply. ]

wtf is wrong with you?

TEXT.

[rekt]

sry krrsszzh bad connection kkrrssshhh didnt get ne of that

TEXT.

[mantlepieces]

1. whoever said animal control has the right idea, its the only humane option.

2. I dont understand the question these things have nothing to do with each other

3. badass how

4. write that on a note + tie note to rock + throw rock through window
or do nothing
why do u need to get anyone a gift in the first place

these are barely even problems, ur way overthinking it

TEXT.

[rekt]

1. itll probly eat animal control

2. then im not explaining it

3. power boost

4. a window in the house i live in? bc i need 2 b passive aggressive

that would b the point ding ding ding tell him what hes won

[pillz]

what is ur dfinition of 'badass'
des that mean somethin different in space
ure aight murphluffle
dont b so fuckin self-loathing

[rekt]

murphluffle makes me think of a rly fluffy merman
l=ike merkitten
badass wias better @ using powers
also fuk u
r u coming by the dream shack agan soon?