1 ❀ video

[mattelrealist]

[ The feed opens on an attractive woman sitting on a standard-issue Heropan Housing couch, smiling with friendly demeanor at the camera. She has long, shimmery blond hair tied up in a high ponytail, bright blue eyes, and eyelashes thick enough to smother a fire. She's definitely the type to know how to prepare to be on camera, because that makeup is flawless; you can't even see her pores. (If... she even has them... ?)

She waves at the camera. ]

Good evening, everyone! I'm Barbie. I arrived here a few weeks ago, but things have been so crazy, I haven't had a chance to talk to you all! I'm super excited to meet you.

Now, I'll admit, becoming a "Registered Hero" isn't what I had planned for this month... or this year! But I've heard about what sort of trouble this place is in, and there's no way I can turn down a request for help so dire. There are so many dangers here... like spies! And kidnappers! And, worst of all... undersized sunglasses!

[ Conspiratorial, with her hand near her mouth for a secret: ] That's a fashion misdemeanor in Malibu. [ And with that out of the way, she straightens back up, her expression warm and welcoming. For someone that looks like she walked out of a makeup commercial (or maybe one for shampoo?), her friendliness and bubbly mood both seem very sincere. ]

While I'm here, I'm going to do everything I can to help. I may only be a toothpaste spokesmodel right now—

[ In what is clearly a practiced gesture, Barbie slips an object out of her purse without looking away from the camera, and for a short, smiling pose brandishes a tube of Gum Belle^® brand toothpaste—and did her teeth just sparkle on cue? That had to be a trick of the light, right?—before slipping it out of sight as if the whole promo never happened. ]

—But if you need a doctor, or a gymnastics coach, or an engineer, or a fashion designer, or a life guard, or an astronaut, or a dolphin trainer... well, you get the idea! Or even if you just need a friend to talk to, I'll be right here in Heropa.

I hope we can all be great friends.

Comments

[mattelrealist]

[ Sunblock is necessary to prevent melting and her fastest p greatest challenge as an art teacher is avoiding kilns. ]

Every accessory can be a fashion statement. It's all about what kind of statement you want to make.

[infomodder]

[Body horror intensifies.]

So was your work as a fashion designer meant to help others make those statements?

[Everything else on her resume is interesting. And impressive. Really. Astronaut! Dolphin trainer! Surgeon!

But designs.

D E S I G N S

Come on.]

[mattelrealist]

Of course. Everyone is unique, but we can't all design our own clothing for every occasion. My lines are meant to give a girl the variety and the freedom to express herself without compromise. When a girl has her confidence, she can accomplish anything.

[ Sparkle. ]

[infomodder]

["give a girl"

what about the MENZ barbie

where is your MENZ collection]

So you've designed pretty much everything a girl would wear? Dresses, shoes, scarves, watches?

[Just put some blinking lights on scarves because there are five people here who can read that and know exactly what it means.]

[mattelrealist]

[ hey
she let ken build the ken den
they get football and flintstones ribs
that's totes enough. ]

Sure! Clothing, accessories, home decor, kitchenware, safety equipment—you name it!

[ Barbie is not one of them. ]

[infomodder]

[yabba dabba don't lie to yourself]

Nightlights?

[IMPRESS HIM BARBIE]

[mattelrealist]

Sure! My favorite is probably the one with the cupcakes. [ She smiles, a little conspiratorially. ] "Sweet Dreams."

[infomodder]

[He'd take one, but then it would sprout antlers. Wouldn't it.

But holy shit he's about to lose it with her and Chilton. Stalking pays off in good ways sometimes.]

Nice wordplay. [The nightlight is probably not people.] Gum Belle doesn't know what they've caught.

[It's meant to be a compliment.

But not everyone speaks fish.

Or Will Graham.]

[mattelrealist]

Oh, everyone at Gum Belle^® had been great! Very knowledgeable, and very supportive. I'm certain that when my work is done with them, they'll support my next endeavor just as wholeheartedly!

[ Because obviously she's not going to settle down in just one job here--and is certainly not as though they're going to fire her. Like, for real, who's going to fire Barbie?? ]

[infomodder]

[Good fucking God, Barbie is going to be the new CEO of Gum Belle® in like a month, isn't she.]

Do a couple ads and move on, or get another job at the same time?

[It reminds him of him.

Only she makes this shit look good, not sweaty and questionably murderous.

All hail Barbie.]

[mattelrealist]

Oh, I don't see why I couldn't do two at the same time. Once the starting up is done with, shooting a commercial or a print ad, or even making appearances at schools... those are the kinds of things I can do in just an afternoon! That leaves the whole rest of the day--or week!--to do something else.

[ It's because she doesn't sweat, Will. Not until close to the melting point. ]

[infomodder]

[God, she's interesting (possibly fun?) to watch. How she's put together, how it all works, he's not sure—but by God is he invested in every move she makes, physically speaking. It's a little morbid on his end, but nobody needs to know.

For a doll, she's a really good people person. It's actually pretty damn amazing.]

What about getting enough sleep? Wouldn't want to burn out.

[Or would she melt? Does a Barbie sleep? They never shut their eyes, perhaps they just...waited. He's watching so carefully.]