maskormenace | 001

[Good morning, Heropa. Greeting you today is a man with a bright smile and an even brighter shirt — aqua, with a tie that seems to match only in theory — and a look in his eye that twinkles with confidence and certainty. Yes, here is a man who is not at all questioning this place and its motives; here is a man who is totally okay with the situation in which he's found himself; here is a man who is a very good, very convincing faker.]

Greetings and salutations, fellow ImPorts! Allow me to introduce myself: Saul Goodman, attorney at law and soon-to-be judge. I want you all to be able to think of me as a resource — as someone whose purpose here is to assist where and when I can, at least as far as legal issues are concerned. For consultation purposes only, though; I won't... uh, really have the time to open my own practice here, unfortunately.

[And that does seem like something that upsets him, but he allows that emotion in for all of two seconds before dismissing it and focusing back on sounding genuine and honest. Which he is, to some degree. It's just... kind of rare, is all. But this is what happens when you don't want to upset your kidnappers: You do what you think you have to.]

Anyway, I'm gonna have to spend some time catching up on what's actually going on in this place, legally and politically speaking. There are other lawyers and legal professional-types around, right? We should chat. Oh, and for all you daytime TV-watchers —

[THERE THEY ARE. THE FINGERGUNS.]

Get used to seeing this face.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Three.

[She does not awkwardly hold out three fingers the way most small children do when announcing their ages.]

Bullsh—

[The way he censors himself suggests he doesn't think she's entirely bullshitting.]

I don't believe that.

Oh yeah? Ask anybody.

["Anybody" is hyperbole to make her point, because she is three and not emotionally capable of better argument tactics than NUH-UH with more sophisticated syntax.]

Mr. Anybody has confirmed your status as an actual three-year-old.

[and his brain is melting now thank youuuu]

Are you an alien?

No.

[Her backstory is way weirder than that.]

Robot?

No.

[Weirder.]

...unauthorized government experiment?

No.

[Toddlers are very good at saying "no."]

Edited 2014-09-09 21:07 (UTC)

Then I give up.

[video]

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Can confirm; she's not just a munchkin. She's three. So watch your mouth.

[ Nobody cuss in front of hero kidbits. ]

[Whoops.]

So you must be Anybody. My apologies.

That's Mr. Anybody to you.

Sorry, sorry. Mr. Anybody. Do you go by any other names?

For awhile, I was thinking of calling myself Tater Salad, but apparently Ron White has it copyrighted.

Oh my god, does Ron White exist here, too?

[DID SOMEONE GIVE RON WHITE SUPERPOWERS.

Yes, Saul knows this guy is probably joking.]

I haven't checked. Man, can you imagine? "Mr. White, huge fan of your work. Do you do the airplane bit in this universe? You don't? Wow, do I have a scoop for you."

That would be amazing.

[He's laughing.]

We can sell these guys' jokes to them. Imagine the profit!

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Stop eavesdropping, Mr. Robbie.

[Val is the tiniest hypocrite.]

It's not eavesdropping if it's in public.

[She narrows her eyes because she can't argue the point.]

Still.

[Val will not go down without a pointless fight because, as this thread has made clear, she is three.]

Still nothing. It's what friends do for each other.

[ It's more of an argument than a declaration of friendship. He means 'nice people', really, but he's on a roll here. ]

I'd expect you to do the same if you saw someone being rude to me.

[ Yeah, he doesn't really expect a three year old to do that, but it's never too early to try. Especially if your parents are half the Fantastic Four. ]

We're not friends.

[Harsh, Val.]

[ Well obviously. He's definitely not invited to any tea parties. ]

Yeah, but I think your mom's cool.

[ That's practically the same thing. ]

Everyone thinks Mom's cool. Even Uncle Doom.

[Seriously Robbie get with it.]

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Re: [video]

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