1st 💀 Video;

[golisolation]

[The feed clicks on, and everyone is greeted with Guzma grinning like a total jackass. He looks the part too, white and black hair, yellow sunglasses on his head that are asymmetrical, purple around his eyes that... might be makeup? Lets not forget that fat gold chain around his neck with a gold emblem of a S that looks like a skull. This guy is, uh, something else.]

Attention fellow ImPorts—it's your boy Guzma!

[He pauses a moment, as if making sure he's got people's attention, like what he has to say is somehow important. Well, he thinks everything he has to say is important on some level, but whatever.]

This shit really connected to y'all? Awful convenient, huh? Guess y'all better get used to hearing from ya boy on the regular. That's right, big bad Guzma ain't gonna be letting this shit fall into disuse.

[Great news for you guys...]

So! If you ain't looking for a beat down, I suggest you make yourself useful. I just showed up, and while I ain't no punk loser who ain't got a clue on how to deal with being brought somewhere new so suddenly, may as well do some info gathering, huh?

I suggest you cough up what useful shit you got to share that them stiffs didn't go into. Don't go wasting my time with useless garbage, neither. I'm in the mood to kick some ass, so if you wanna just hand me an excuse to smash your dumbass into the ground, I ain't gonna stop you.

[Honestly, is he looking for info, or a fight? Maybe both. He shrugs, and then points to his head, tapping his temple while emphasizing his next part:]

But! Those of ya who got something in that skull of yours, y'know, a little bit of sense? A brain, maybe? You'll realize real quick what a stupid idea it is to get on the hated boss' bad side.

So, hurry it up! I ain't got all day.

[Yes he does, he literally has nothing better to do right now.]

Comments

[golisolation]

Yeah? Good to know you ain't got a limited imagination.

[Hey, that just means it's doing its job!]

Weird ain't always so bad, 'sides lady, I'm just working with what you're giving me here.

[sexual]

I can be all kinds of imaginative, don't you worry.

Why don't you make yourself useful, Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. What have you learned so far?

[golisolation]

Oh? Now you're gettin' me riled.

[That reference goes entirely over his head. If he knew who she was implying he is, he'd be pretty annoyed. Just cuz he looks awesome, and that dude looks like a tool! 0 self awareness.]

Funny you should mention dives, 'cos I learned where some of the best are.

[And by best, he means dirty hole in the wall, but isn't that shit subjective?]

On a less important note, I learned a li'l about some OTO chucklefuck organization, 'bout the porters between the cities, and how almost every other ImPort here is either so far up their own ass they're suffocating on their own taurusshit, or they're pussies.

Y'know, the basics.

[sexual]

I hope you realize I'm rolling my eyes right now.

[ She's familiar enough with this whole multiverse thing to realize there's a good chance he wouldn't get the reference, but hey. The brief glimpse of him that she caught in the original video? Definitely fits. ]

Oh? Maybe you're slightly more useful than I thought. Slightly.

So, you haven't really obtained anything important about this place and you're already making a ton of friends with the locals and-slash-or our fellow captives. Sounds like you're doing great.

[golisolation]

Y'know... these things come with a video function, so you don't gotta explain what you're doing, you could just show me.

[How unfortunate that Guzma comes from a world where he isn't graced by the tomfoolery of Guy Fieri. Maybe he's his universe's Guy Fieri. We just don't know.]

Only slightly? Can't gimme a break, huh?

I mean, I did get this FAQ with a fuck ton of info, but it's probably just a bunch of nonsense, anyway.

[The actual useful thing... he leaves for last. But that's just how he is.]

[sexual]

Now where's the fun in that? You certainly seem to recognize the value in information, which is something else I'll give you. Maybe I want to remain a mystery.

[ A pain in the ass, this one. Truly. There's a beat of silence and a heavy sigh. ]

An FAQ? [ That is useful. ] And just how did you manage to get your hands on that?

[golisolation]

Heh... that's fair. There's some merits to mystery, so I can't go blaming you none.

[Besides, it just piques his interest even more.]

Eh, got my ways. Can't go exposing all my tricks, yeah? But is that interest I hear? Guessin' you ain't got your hands on this thing, huh?

[sexual]

Just imagine me as a friendly voice on the other line.

[ Yeah, real friendly there, Selina. You opened this conversation with the threat of shoving his communicator up his-- ]

Well, not yet anyway.

[golisolation]

Is this what you call friendly? I'd love to see what you think ain't.

[Guzma is nothing if not appreciative of the hostile and foul, so this doesn't really bother him.]

Confident, huh? Aiight, I'll bite: how ya gonna get it, hm?

[sexual]

Friendly-ish. Admittedly, I could stand to mind my manners and all that nonsense but let's just say you wouldn't want to meet me on a bad day, I can tell you that much.

I have my ways, too. Figured I'd start with asking politely, see how that works out for me.

[golisolation]

Dunno 'bout that. I got an affinity for the foul, so maybe I would. Guess time will tell, huh?

Asking nicely's for wimps, and you don't strike me as one. I'd be happy to share with you, but I ain't likely to do nothin' for free.

[sexual]

Gotta start somewhere, but alright. I can respect that. I'd expect something in exchange, too, but I've just got to warn you: I don't have much of value to trade.

I don't imagine you'd settle for an IOU?

[golisolation]

Y'know, I ain't the type to let some lady just get shit from me for free, especially considering I dunno how credible that IOU truly is.

But I kinda dig ya, so I'll make a rare exception.

[And he'll be sending her the aforementioned FAQ with all that good, good information. He called it nonsense, but honestly this is quite a boon to have, especially when you're new to this world.]

'Sides, if you cross me, I won't got easy on you.

[sexual]

[ He's proving himself increasingly useful, even just bringing her information she would have otherwise had to waste her time seeking out. Something to keep in mind. It's a good idea to have an ally or two, especially in unfamiliar territory. ]

Now, why would I do that? You and I are friends now.

[ She'd throw his ass under a bus if she had to, but. Close enough. ]

Selina, by the way. Not 'lady.' Which is all you're getting for now.

[golisolation]

[While he might seem it at the best of times, Guzma isn't entirely stupid. He knew there would be more value in proving himself useful to her, than the fun it'd be witholding this information.

He's got plans, and he knows he can't be an island in an unknown world. Gotta make allies, connections, and he has no interest in soft allies. Even if it means she might stab him in the back later. He gets it, and would do the same to her if it came down to it.

Nothing personal.]

Friends are we? Yeah, I'm feeling it.

[Of course he sounds coy. He knew what he was doing here.]

You sure do like to tease a man, huh? Don't wanna go spoiling me too much, is that it?