1st 💀 Video;

[golisolation]

[The feed clicks on, and everyone is greeted with Guzma grinning like a total jackass. He looks the part too, white and black hair, yellow sunglasses on his head that are asymmetrical, purple around his eyes that... might be makeup? Lets not forget that fat gold chain around his neck with a gold emblem of a S that looks like a skull. This guy is, uh, something else.]

Attention fellow ImPorts—it's your boy Guzma!

[He pauses a moment, as if making sure he's got people's attention, like what he has to say is somehow important. Well, he thinks everything he has to say is important on some level, but whatever.]

This shit really connected to y'all? Awful convenient, huh? Guess y'all better get used to hearing from ya boy on the regular. That's right, big bad Guzma ain't gonna be letting this shit fall into disuse.

[Great news for you guys...]

So! If you ain't looking for a beat down, I suggest you make yourself useful. I just showed up, and while I ain't no punk loser who ain't got a clue on how to deal with being brought somewhere new so suddenly, may as well do some info gathering, huh?

I suggest you cough up what useful shit you got to share that them stiffs didn't go into. Don't go wasting my time with useless garbage, neither. I'm in the mood to kick some ass, so if you wanna just hand me an excuse to smash your dumbass into the ground, I ain't gonna stop you.

[Honestly, is he looking for info, or a fight? Maybe both. He shrugs, and then points to his head, tapping his temple while emphasizing his next part:]

But! Those of ya who got something in that skull of yours, y'know, a little bit of sense? A brain, maybe? You'll realize real quick what a stupid idea it is to get on the hated boss' bad side.

So, hurry it up! I ain't got all day.

[Yes he does, he literally has nothing better to do right now.]

Comments

[fursleuth]

[Lusamine is a pretty good sugar mama, it's true.]

Amazing. I just solved the crime of the century before I got stuck in this place. I was this close to having it all worked out, and then... Poof. [So you know, really we're not so different is probably the moral here.

Also Guzma can take and give right back, so why back down now?]

[golisolation]

[She sure as shit is! Would be even better if she put out... but we can't have it all, can we?]

Oh yeah? Big mystery for a little guy. I'm sure everyone's real impressed, yo.

[Guzma feels you, bro. Even if morals aren't exactly his cup of tea. or coffee. hot chocolate, whatever.]

I get you, though. Ain't nothin' more miserable than gettin' denied your climax, huh?

[Wait, what are they talking about again?]

[fursleuth]

[His contract says he's not allowed to lean into that double entendre, but god does he want to. He can feel the retort. Nope. No, gotta stay roughly PG. Do it for the kids.]

Everyone's got their Maltese Falcon. And hey, that's the good thing about mysteries and anarchy. They exist everywhere. There's always another climax.

[The narrative kind. Yes. Definitely. Put your phones down, Good Christian Parents.]

[golisolation]

[Break that PG rating, that's truly what the kids want.]

A what?

[Sorry, he's not familiar with your detective jack off material, Dick Tracy.]

Heh, well! Guess all y'can do is hope that this one's more satisfying than the one you missed out on, huh?

[Satisfaction in the conclusion of that strictly narrative and nonsexy climax. Don't worry, nothing but pure, wholesome, and Jesus-approved conversations between these two.]

[fursleuth]

If you have to ask, you'll never know. [WATCH A MOVIE, PUNK ROCK BUG COLLECTOR.

also ABSOLUTELY. Nothing to see here.]

I don't know, man. You never quite get over the one that got away. [He sighs wistfully.] But the good news is I can probably reach mine on my own, save myself some time and hassle. You're gonna need a lot of people to get your happy ending.

[You keep escalating Ryan Reynolds.]

[golisolation]

Tch, then it don't matter. [HEY! WHY DON'T YOU WATCH A MOVIE WHILE BEING A SQUATTER AT A TOWN WITH BASICALLY NO ELECTRICITY, HUH???

Yeah that gets a laugh out of him. Pikachu, you're aiight.]

Is that so, huh? Well, can't say I'm against a group dynamic with these sorts of things. But if you're more of a solo act, then more power to ya, yo!

[It's what I'm here for. Activating the Ryan Reynolds.]

[fursleuth]

I'd do better if I had a partner, don't get me wrong. I need somebody to bounce things off. When you're just talking to yourself, it gets really awkward.

[It like almost trails back to decent and PG-rated, but no. Nothing is PG rated anymore. You will now find the innuendo in everything and if Pikachu is aware he's doing it, his face is wholly straight and gives away nothing.]