JUNE 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JUNE 10TH, 2016

O AMBASSADOR, MY AMBASSADOR
As seen in Politica, 358.com, and all major political blogs:
This week, now former-ambassador Mitchell Hundred, who served the city of De Chima, Virginia, announced that he is stepping down this week, after announcing that he will be running for senate. Early polls show the former ambassador has a positive reputation through the state, although few know of him outside of the city of De Chima, and other populated areas.

The Democratic nominee, Patrice Stankavich, was quoted: “While I commend the Ambassador for stepping up to run for Senate, he won’t have an easy fight. The Democratic Party has a long history of strength fighting for civil rights in Virginia, and we won’t step aside for an import, who may not be with us long enough to even finish his campaign. We hope all voters, import or not, will make a vote in favor of stability and commitment to real, lasting change.”

The Hundred campaign fired back early on, pointing out the that former Ambassador has never left Heropa, and per the candidate himself, has spoken several times about his lengthy status as an import, citing a period even before the imports arrived in Heropa, regarding his status as an import. We reached out to other sources in the import community, who confirmed that some imports have come from a world before that -- including Hundred -- who came in the first wave of import arrivals.

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR
As seen on all major national news networks:
In an effort to strengthen the ties between imPorts and natives, the US government will be rolling out some shiny new incentives for supporting the imPort community. These incentives include:

1. Tax cuts, naturally.

2. Federal grants for small businesses that support the imPort community.

3. Small business financing in the form of loan programs. The government will provide a guarantee of paying a portion of loans back to banks and lenders in the case of the business owner defaulting.

4. Reduced health care costs for companies that provide health care as a benefit to employees.

5. Access to training programs/workshops/conventions at a discounted price (at the very least) to no cost (at the most) to allow for employee growth and increase networking opportunities.

THE BREAK FAST CLUB
As seen on Bwitter, Rumblr, and Instagamma Ray:
Social Justice Blogs were alight this past week after Bwitter user FryingDutchman reported that his school, Urbane High School, in Urbane, Ohio had been thrown into complete chaos, after several students who'd long been outside of any particular clique seemed to form their own.

"It was like a transformation", the user reported. "We all thought Jessica was ugly, but suddenly she was gorgeous? And Mike had never been all that smart, but he aced his science test!"

Some are calling it revenge of the nerds, as two other towns in Pilesville, Alabama and Aw Sable, New York reported the same. User FryingDutchman continued on: "Stay ALERT. There's a REASON the major news outlets aren't reporting about this, this is the GOVERNMENT."

FryingDutchman's Bwitter was deleted immediately after the string, but the posts have taken to other sources.

THE SHIT FACTOR
As seen on Bwitter:
Ronald Chump congratulates Jessica of Urbane, Ohio.

THE VILLAGE PEEP HOLE
Public Service Announcement radioed to all imPort Cities:
ImPort!

There's great need to be alarmed!
I said, imPort, Russia's bulked and fully armed!
New elections, for your cities we allowed
And you need! Am - bass - adors now!

It is your duty to GET OUT THE VOTE!
It is your duty to GET! OUT! THE VOTE!

You do not want to die without leaders to guide,
So you need to pick a good side...

RINCE AND REPEAT
As seen in national newspapers:
The past month and a half have seen a string of heroic deeds carried out by imPort 'wizzard' and Heropa resident Rincewind, including:

. Safely stopping a runaway bus of schoolchildren with the aid of his magical travel case
. Nobly interrupting and preventing the robbery of local beach-side bagel shop "Hole-y Diver"
. Gallantly diverting an escaped, maddened rodeo bull away from a populated area

"Heroism? I was just running away from something or trying to buy a bagel. I wasn't trying to save anyone," the wizard Rincewind said in response, demurely deferring to take credit. "These things just always happen to me. ...Are you putting my name in this? Look, I would really rather you didn't write anything about me, I'm honestly not a hero."

Humility, like heroism, is clearly not dead in the city of Heropa! In response, local officials have made plans to honor the imPort's courage and apparent commitment to physical fitness with a "Run Like The Rincewind" 5K charity event to benefit Heropa-based nonprofits.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the hero we need!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from PLACID GREEN to SLIGHTLY ANXIOUS GREEN, because everything has been relatively calm... Save for Yuri Petrov confessing to attempted murder...

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

O3 👶 VIDEO (road not taken)

[pillz]

[the teenager in the video is wearing a green beanie. it must be new because there's still a price tag poking out behind his left ear. he beams at the camera with the slightly choreographed but earnest good nature of a closet introvert on his first day of school.

his eyes are slightly small, a telltale sign for those who fraternitize with potheads.]

Hi! I'm Joe. I guess I must have like, retrograde amnesia or something because I found this folder of brochures and stuff about a Porter and superheroes and nanomachines and whatever but I don't remember any of it from before? Anyway I just have a couple questions.

Number one. My neighbor is eleven and he told me their classroom pet just died, and I told the school I'm going to get them new ones. Then I started to think about, you know, the ethics of making animals that don't need to eat or poo. I mean, I'm not super religious, Darwinism seems kinda accurate, and even though I'm a vegan but I get that cows were just way too small for the industry before we had breeds. Mankind has been messing around with genetics for a long time. But it seems like a slippery slope, right? When does messing with life itself turn into like-- the crippling hubris that comes with the presumption of human convenience? Will Mother Nature fight back? Does the balance correct itself? You know? And is it important for eleven-year-olds to learn about cleaning poop? And if someone like, hypothetically... [he pauses with the subtlety of a bsod.] got a bird that doesn't eat or poopoo, and they decided it was unethical to give it to fifth graders, what should he do with it? And before anyone asks, it has a butthole and a mouth hole.

Okay. [he sucks in air as if he'd started to run out partway through that ramble (probably).] Okay. My other question is, does anyone else want to do a juice cleanse? Because I guess I was doing some kind of messed up diet. I lost twenty pounds and had like three hundred pills in my cabinet, but I feel super bloated and gross. Right now, I'm seriously even willing to consider wheatgrass or cod oil even though I usually can't stand the taste of fishy burps. And, you know, vegan. I could use a diet buddy. Or a group. I'm into groups. But not yoga or weights or meditation.

Hiking, I love hiking. And four-wheeling. If anyone sees an olive colored ATV with a 1984 sticker around, that's mine.

Okay get back to me. Later! [he waves enthusiastically at the camera, then hangs up.]

Doctor's Log 1 | Video

[caduceusvalkyrie]

[Angela turns on the feed. She looks a little tired as she's spent most of her time trying to learn about this place as well as working. She's speaking with a slight German accent.]

I thought it may be time that I talk here and introduce myself. My name is Angela Ziegler, I was a surgeon and field medic back home among a few other things. I might be employed as a school nurse, but if anyone thinks that they may need healing, don't be afraid to ask me for help. I promise I don't charge. Well, at least not a lot. [That was a joke and she smiles as she says it.]

I've been here for a few days now, I've learned a few things but I would welcome anymore information people can offer.

16 ⚜ Video

[restingstitchface]

[Crane is wearing clean clothes, new shoes, a new tie and frames. There is a clean-shaven appearance to his face. His eyes show rationality and sanity; he isn't staring intently at his captive audience. He's well-mannered, calm and polite - and doesn't wear that blackness that's special in the eyes of some.

Unfortunately, the people he'd spoken to this morning, those he had begun to find fascination in, had come over in a panic. Or a bad mood, perhaps. The reason for their avoidant behavior - and uncomfortable body language - is another matter.

A puzzling one.]

Good morning. This is Doctor Jonathan Crane.

I am a doctor of psychiatry. Psychopharmacology, to be precise.

Back home, I evaluate some of those brought to me by Gotham's finest, so it will come as no surprise to me to hear that some people here are mentally unwell.

[Awkward. He hesitates for a moment; then he crosses his leg and steeples his fingers, before angling his thumbs at the camera.]

My apologies. That is to say, I'm willing to lend a reliable ear if you wish to talk. About intimacy or anything else that scares you, really.

[He doesn't seem interested in talking about fear at all. His pull point is all wrong. The idea that he's a terrorist and an asshole hasn't been put to him yet. Someone has to drop the truth bomb. Also did he really just apologise?]

Moreover, if you're from Gotham, I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with you. Peculiar things have happened since this world spat me out.

I suppose talking to you will help, if you're even here...

[About? Uh, well, it's Gotham.]

[mirrornet | video] team building

[superposition]

[The wayward spell hit Qubit early in the morning, when he was still groggy enough not to notice anything awry. But at first glance, it didn't seem to change anything... except his plans for the day. Originally he was just going to go to work, like usual, but now... He's put this off long enough. Longer than makes sense, actually. Why didn't he do this back in August? There was a need for it then, and there's a need for it now. And that settles it. He'll put out the call at once.

The post is a video, which is unusual for him, but for some reason people tend to think you're not on the level if you stick to text. Which is ridiculous, but whatever, he's got nothing to hide.]

Good morning, imPorts. I know many of you know me, but for those who don't, my name is Qubit. Now, I'm not one for superfluous chatter, so I'll get right to the point.

The Earth I'm from, like several others represented here, is home to a fairly large number of superheroes. In particular, I work with a team called the Paradigm. It's a group of extraordinary people, dedicated to defending the planet and its people from threats both supernatural and mundane. [And he is so proud of them, you guys. They are so alive right now, you don't even know.]

Sadly, thus far, none of them have joined me on this ... extended jaunt. [He waves one hand vaguely, as if this whole thing is little more than an inconvenience to him.] But our mission still applies. And to that end, I've decided to extend a call for new members, effective immediately.

[Sternly, he holds up his index finger.] Before you reply, though, a few things you ought to keep in mind. First, and most important: the Paradigm does not kill, full stop. If you have a problem with that, don't bother applying. Second: no children, for reasons I dearly hope are obvious. And third: this is going to be a small team - no more than six to ten people - at least for now. Mainly due to logistics. If everything works out, perhaps we'll expand the operation in future, but one thing at a time.

[With those ground rules out of the way, though, he's back to a confident, inviting smile. He has no reason to believe it won't work out. Why wouldn't it? The last time he put out a call like this, he turned up more volunteers than he knew what to do with.]

I've set replies screened by default. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I look forward to working with you.

Qubit out.