O3 👶 VIDEO (road not taken)

[pillz]

[the teenager in the video is wearing a green beanie. it must be new because there's still a price tag poking out behind his left ear. he beams at the camera with the slightly choreographed but earnest good nature of a closet introvert on his first day of school.

his eyes are slightly small, a telltale sign for those who fraternitize with potheads.]

Hi! I'm Joe. I guess I must have like, retrograde amnesia or something because I found this folder of brochures and stuff about a Porter and superheroes and nanomachines and whatever but I don't remember any of it from before? Anyway I just have a couple questions.

Number one. My neighbor is eleven and he told me their classroom pet just died, and I told the school I'm going to get them new ones. Then I started to think about, you know, the ethics of making animals that don't need to eat or poo. I mean, I'm not super religious, Darwinism seems kinda accurate, and even though I'm a vegan but I get that cows were just way too small for the industry before we had breeds. Mankind has been messing around with genetics for a long time. But it seems like a slippery slope, right? When does messing with life itself turn into like-- the crippling hubris that comes with the presumption of human convenience? Will Mother Nature fight back? Does the balance correct itself? You know? And is it important for eleven-year-olds to learn about cleaning poop? And if someone like, hypothetically... [he pauses with the subtlety of a bsod.] got a bird that doesn't eat or poopoo, and they decided it was unethical to give it to fifth graders, what should he do with it? And before anyone asks, it has a butthole and a mouth hole.

Okay. [he sucks in air as if he'd started to run out partway through that ramble (probably).] Okay. My other question is, does anyone else want to do a juice cleanse? Because I guess I was doing some kind of messed up diet. I lost twenty pounds and had like three hundred pills in my cabinet, but I feel super bloated and gross. Right now, I'm seriously even willing to consider wheatgrass or cod oil even though I usually can't stand the taste of fishy burps. And, you know, vegan. I could use a diet buddy. Or a group. I'm into groups. But not yoga or weights or meditation.

Hiking, I love hiking. And four-wheeling. If anyone sees an olive colored ATV with a 1984 sticker around, that's mine.

Okay get back to me. Later! [he waves enthusiastically at the camera, then hangs up.]

Comments

[unguibusetrostro]

[WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE

he breaks the phone ban for this because

what

the

actual

fuck.]

wtf joe

[pillz]

Hello! Sorry do I know u?

[unguibusetrostro]

[God he is so tempted to find out what the hell is happening here. Does K know him? Did he go to Aglionby? Who made this elaborate joke?

Does he remember shit about his pack? What the fuck is actually going on?]

stop giving birds to eleven year olds

eleven year olds are dickbags

birds deserve better

remember henrietta?

video

[rathercommon]

[ Scathingly: ]

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

[pillz]

[and joe looks discomfitted. and stoned. both discomfitted and stoned.]

Well I'm not saying it's a competition, but you've gotta have heard dumber crap than that before. Is this about veganism?

[rathercommon]

None of that made any sense.

[ video ]

[hostage]

Nah, listen, man. If you just lost twenty pounds, a juice cleanse is the opposite of what you need. Since you're vegan, I'm guessing you need some protein like yesterday. Get yourself some lentils, some quinoa, some artichokes... Throw in a little edamame or tempeh. Eat six meals a day, drink eight glasses of water for the bloating, you'll start feeling better.

[You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone.]

[pillz]

[up is down, down is up. but even in the twilight zone, kavinsky pauses to afford the man in the camera a brief look of admiration. and he reaches up to adjust his hat.] Okay... Okay! I'm going to wri-- can you text me that? I feel like I'm gonna forget.

Actually I found half a pepperoni pizza in the fridge so seriously I'm wondering if there's like. A meat dementia. From cheating too hard.

[hostage]

Memory loss and dramatic weight loss go hand-in-hand, kid. I'm gonna text you some food lists and all the instructions and shit, but you probably oughta eat some of that pizza.

video

[oceiteres]

Hiking.

[ This is hell. ]

[pillz]

Blue?

[his eyes are huge with-- recognition? relief?]

You're here. Oh man. Is this a psychic thing? Do you get what's going on? And do you have any of Persephone's weird fungus tea, because I could really use some.

[oceiteres]

[ Oh no you did not. ]

What. [ She just felt the cold embrace of death approaching. For her or someone else, she's not sure. Is this purgatory? ]

( audio. )

[aberth]

There's probably a group.

For dieting.

[ He doesn't know enough about Kavinsky to not advise this. He doesn't know how to not put the cat among the pigeons. ] You should check the Community Centre. [ And then, because this boy is clearly too rich to live with his veganism and his ethics and his diets. ] On the noticeboard. They'll have flyers.

[ Also his accent is crazy strong, he will regret this. ]

[pillz]

What, hey. Where's the Community Center at? [kavinsky's question is immediate.]

You sound like you're from Virginia too. I mean I'm by way of New Jersey, but you know how it gets to you. Did they stick you in De Chima too?

[aberth]

[ INSERT DIRECTIONS TO THE COMMUNITY CENTER HERE. ]

Uh, yeah. I'm from Henrietta. [ Which, you know. He wishes he weren't but there's nothing he can do about it now. That town is like quicksand and Adam's already down to his shoulders. ] And apparently. I live just outside now, but they tell me I started off in the city. Guess it must just be an easy decision.

video

[quaerit]

[ Jesus Christ, this is like the Twilight Zone. What the hell had Billy done? Gansey has to fix this.

...although, in this case it's something of an improvement...

But no. It's still wrong. ]

I think I must be going mad. What is the last thing you remember, before you turned up here?

[ How the hell are you so different, Kavinksy?! ]

videooo

[pillz]

[billy's magic is so magic, gansey. so magic. this would be kavinsky's least favorite manifestation of that though, mind you.]

Oh.

[the oh is very loaded. kavinsky is the one regarding gansey with momentary skepticism, for once, but then he smiles, red-eyed but game.] Hi. Umm well I was having a private phone conversation with my best friend, probably ruining her date night. July the 4th.

I think I might be going crazy too, man. This place is pretty hard to take in stride. What's the last thing you remember?

video

[quaerit]

July the 4th.

[ Christ. Obviously Kavinsky's memory of that does not match Gansey's. ]

It was Fall when I was brought here, actually. July the 4th was a while ago.

Out of interest, do you remember me, Joseph?

( video )

[aglonby]

[ what the. he'd actually have a lot to say about the questions kavinsky is rising if it... wasn't so strange for kavinsky to ask them at all. ]

Uh, are you okay, man? You feeling alright?

video;

[pillz]

No, man. I feel bloated. And kind of crampy. But umm. [kavinsky's little pink stoner eyes glance left and right.] I took a little something that's taking the edge off. I'm gonna be okay.

Hey, [he brightens.] You look kinda familiar. You from Virginia too?

[aglonby]

[ is it opposite day? what's happening? ]

Yeah, I'll bet. [ he hopes kavinsky doesn't think he's being subtle, here. but also what the hell is going on. ] Did you hit your head? We go to school together.

video;

[earnedmystripes]

[Even this non-raven boy is confused at what is happening here. Who are you and what did you do with Kavinsky, man. Was there even a single swear in there? He doesn't think so and that's Surreal as hell.

He used the phrase "crippling hubris"; Kotetsu's not even entirely sure he knows what hubris means himself.]

Uh. I, uh, don't think you'd be screwing them up for life or anything, no. The poop thing's mostly about teaching responsibility and stuff, and there's other ways of doing that...

[Is that a sentence that just came out of his mouth to Joseph Kavinsky. Joseph. Kavinsky. He feels kind of like the one on drugs here tbh.]

...You, uh, might wanna see a doctor, though? About the...weight loss. And amnesia. That doesn't sound....good.

video;

[pillz]

Yeah? Yeah. [kavinsky seems genuinely thoughtful. and profoundly fuzzy, but legitimately thoughtful. he scrabbles around a bit and slides over a pad of paper, barely in the camera frame.

he scrawls on it. even upside-down, the letters are gigantic enough to read: DOCTOR.] Yeah that's a good idea. I never think about doctors. Do you have one you recommend? I dunno who my PCP is cuz, you know. Amnesia. [he pulls a long face, hunkering down closer to the camera.

pen poised and attentive. if he'd paid half this attention in class.]

VIDEO.

[mantlepieces]

[ Squints slightly. What the hell is this guy going on about now? Is this a prank, or--?

Let's see: ]

Yeah, man, juice cleanse. Sounds like a good start. You need someone to take those pills off your hands? ... Throw 'em away for you?

video;

[pillz]

[kavinsky swims back into frame. he blinks benignly at the man in the video, no recognition evident in his pale, narrow face.]

I guess, [he says, doubtfully.] But I'm gonna give some to the nurse dude Jesse to analyze first. So if you're being... catty, or whatever, about picking up a free hit-- [he focuses on the camera, quite earnest.] You should wait 'til he's done.

[a beat.]

I don't think you need to lose weight, you look great.