Video

[trashthetrashmouth]

[Okay, Richie's been doing voiceover acting long enough. It's time to test the waters here. He's got the talent to pull off straight-up video commercials. He's sure of it. The feed begins with an image of a bespectacled teenage boy holding up a tube of Crost® toothpaste with the fakest infomercial-style smile he can muster. It appears he's recording this in a cramped bathroom. He uses his typical flashy commercial voiceover voice to tote the impressiveness of the product he's pitching.]

Bad breath got you down? Feeling uneasy about those unsightly yellow teeth? Try Crost® Plus Whitening™! Our classic minty bacteria-killing toothpaste now helps make your teeth white and sparkling!

[He smiles wider and holds up a toothbrush with his other hand.]

Try some today! You'll love how your teeth look and feel with the tried and true formula of Crost®!

[He smiles a few moments longer before dropping his fake smile and placing his props somewhere off-screen. Time to test the waters. He leans forward into the camera and grins as he anticipates positive responses.]

Okay, everybody. After seeing that fucking awesome pitch, how much more likely are you to try this shit now that you've seen my commercial?

video - it's marketable. probably. whatever that means.

[knaval]

Hey-ho! [viewers are greeted by a large blue and purple face with yellow optics grinning back at them. there's not much of a background-- looks like he's on the space station, though.] I haven't used this thing in a while, whew. Almost forgot how to. That's a joke for you newcomers, I could literally never forget how to use this thing even if I wanted to.

Anyway, I've been watching loads of those shows where people fight to the death, but, like, not to the death? Those ones where they fall onto a mat instead of a pit of spikes. Kinda disappointing, but you know. I guess gladiatorial combat differs from species to species. Humans just like to whack each other with giant padded q-tips. Who am I to judge? I come from the species that invented grenade tag.

[is anyone really surprised that riptide's making a video that's complaining about something?]

Can I pitch something you all? This moon base has plenty of habsuites and all the toss you'd expect with a peaceful artificial biome but lacks a sport dome in which to have super-powered fights to the not-death in. In zero-g.

[he taps his forehead. it makes a tink noise.]

Just another genius idea from your friendly Riptide. There's no better way to get to know your would-be allies than when they're trying to slap you silly. Might also relieve the tension that comes with negotiating.

--Ah! Also, I've rented a club out in Nonah. My dear, dear, best friend Getaway was Ported out, and I'd like to commemorate-- commiserate his passing by getting absolutely twatted at a club I know he could never afford to go to. We can all get together and hope that he's gone home safely and will be torn apart by the insane religious zealot he hired.

[...]

Won't be torn apart. Froidian slip.

004 | Video (Backdated to 11:05pm Tuesday June 5th)

[herrstory]

[ Starr kicks off the video in Chilton's office, sitting at his desk. Chilton's nameplate has been replaced with another one reading: Dr. Herr K. Starr ]

It seems Doctor Chilton has ported out. So until further notice, I will be taking over the Maurtia Falls Psychiatric Hospital for Abnormal Conditions. Staff is to immediately report to me for evaluation and policy updates.

For the time being, we will not be accepting patients unless in the most dire of circumstances -- in which case, I will be able to implement shock therapy. In my humble opinion, such therapy does work best when placed upon ones genitals, but I will leave that up to the patient.

[ He pulls out a notepad, puts on Chilton's reading glasses, and picks up an entirely too fancy pen. ]

Now simply because we will not immediately be taking patients does not mean we cannot get you in the system. So let's start this with the basic question most psychiatrists are sure to ask: what is your deepest, darkest sexual fantasy?