maskormenace | 006 ♍ voice

[ kanaya knows she has to make this confession, not that she's particularly looking forward to it. but now that they've put her in solitary, nothing about this punishment has been satisfying. she needs something better.

everyone needs to know, but she doesn't want their pity, and doesn't deserve their sympathy. so. she kind of goes a little too far in the other direction, there. ]

I've been quiet the past few days. I say this not as an apology, because I don't particularly give a shit, but as an explanation. For those who don't know me, my name is Kanaya Maryam, an for the past few months I've been moonlighting as a costumed thug. One might even go so far as to say I was a supervillain.

Shocking, isn't it? I was a bit surprised, myself. [ not that she's going to explain that one. ]

As Hobgoblin, I committed numerous crimes, whether disrupting traffic, harassing the costumed set, playing ghost in a haunted house, other, more serious infractions. Kidnapping. Stalking. And...worse than that. [ her flippant tone cracks, her voice falling low and shaky. ] I've-- I've hurt people. People who didn't deserve it. Innocents.

[ there's a fury brimming in that last word, a self-loathing and shame. she can feel her hands shaking, her knuckles going white as she balls her fists. but they won't see that, it's important that they don't. if they recognize any remorse, it will defeat the whole purpose.

she takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she collects herself again. ]

For all of these things, the most the local authorities have seen fit to do is stick me in a room alone without my powers. Which is really great, I must say. Wonderful to know that we feed and house our criminals when law-abiding residents have no such amenities, especially when they aren't registered! I must say this world's punitive measures are deeply impressive, it truly overwhelms me with compunction, how much softer-handed it is than I expected when I turned myself in. I suppose I shouldn't be really surprised, when the approach to everything is such a joke, such a limp attitude toward justice is at least consistent.

But it isn't real justice. It's a mockery. [ she thinks of terezi, and wonders if she'd be more embarrassed by the meagerness of it, or that kanaya submitted herself willingly. terezi would know what to do here. ]

I'm sure many of you could do better, someone who really believes in the subject, unless you're too stuck in all the nonsense moralizing humans too often preoccupy themselves with. You're heroes. I'm a villain. That seems simple enough to me.

If you want to see real justice done, I'm not going anywhere.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Not very often that you hear a voice like that coming from a goblin. [Plus, he had felt it was important.

It's rare that he does find anything important.]

And she made the regrettable choice of making a mockery of what she's done. If she wanted true justice to be handled, she could do it herself.

[Common sense tells her to count to ten. To breathe, exhale and reach for rationality. But she's furious, very suddenly. She's affronted that anyone would have the gal to speak about Kanaya like this when it's plain to see she needs help.

She does not count to ten. ]

This isn't a mockery! This is a desperate grab at atonement for something she had no way of preventing! She doesn't need justice, because the one who should be making this public display of guilt is me!

[and oops, there it is. ]

It's all on me!

[Her voice is cracking. She failed. Kanaya was supposed to stay out of this out of harms way. ]

I did this to her.

[ if kanaya thought it couldn't get any worse than it already is, it just did. this is not the punishment she wanted, it's much, much worse. ]

Stop it! Stop it! This isn't on you, this isn't something you did to me! Every mistake, at every turn, was mine.

[ her hands are shaking, and more than anything she rues the padded walls. kaine's wrong, she can't exact that justice on herself. she already tried, and all she got for it was a tazer and a room change. ]

THE BLOOD WAS ON MY HANDS!

And-- And you're the one who paid for it.

[There is a terrible moment where Rose does not a say thing, too angry with Norman and angrier still at herself. Angry that Kanaya thinks she has to blame herself for this mess when it was Rose who got involved, too blindsided and too egotistical to properly acknowledge the danger.

She doesn't understand why Kanaya would do this to herself (except that she does and that makes her angrier still.) ]

You weren't the one too narcissistic to recognize danger when it was obvious. You weren't the one who signed up willingly at the beginning -- for god's sake Kanaya, why are letting yourself take the fall on your own? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even be involved.

[Part of her wishes this were private -- but man. If people are snooping, good. Rose deserves all the shit for it. Not Kanaya. ]

[ kanaya's voice falls low, quiet and cowed. she pulls into herself on her cot, covering her ears and pulling at her hair. she doesn't want to hear this, she doesn't want rose to have to suffer. not any more than she has already. ]

No. You already paid for it. You paid a higher cost than you ever should, and if anyone should be taking the fault now, I'm the one who should bear it!

[ she remembers how scared rose was when she first showed her the mask. she made a promise to her then, and she's failed it in the worst way possible. ]

I was supposed to be the one to protect you. If I couldn't do that, then nothing I do holds any real meaning.

[There is a terrible, painful twist in her chest the longer Kanaya speaks. She knows, on some level, that this conversation is very public. Anyone can see this, including Norman himself. That he might be spying, taking note of how much damage he's done, makes her feel sick. Their weakness is plain to the eye and she hates that he might have the satisfaction of knowing that he got to them. He's won this round. Kanaya's in jail, refusing to name him and Rose is stuck in bed, unsure where to begin to make things right.

She opens her mouth to argue, but she hiccups and a pathetic, weak sob comes out instead. She takes a minute to breathe, rubbing at her eyes furiously. ]

I'm not -- I'm not talking about this anymore. Not where he can see.

[She also needs to get out of this conversation. She can't listen to Kanaya blame herself for Rose's ego. ]

But I'll fix this, Kanaya. I promise.

[ it only hurts more, that rose still cares, that she won't accept kanaya's guilt. that she considers herself responsible is more than she can take. however osborn got her (did he say something about blood? did she only imagine that?), he made her his weapon, one he pulled the trigger on against rose.

kanaya's supposed to be better than that, she's supposed to be in control. she's supposed to be the one who takes on the pain and makes rose happy.

but she couldn't even avenge her, after everything else. ]

Just fix it for you. Please. Please forget about me.

You've always been better off without me. [ rose doesn't need her, she's only given her so much pain. she needs rose, but what should it matter if she needs anything anymore? ]

[But I love you, she thinks. And she does, more than Kanaya knows. That much is obvious to her now. Rose loves her and Rose has failed her in the worst way possible.

She grits her teeth. ]

I have to go. Don't make this worse for yourself, please.

[ she doesn't argue. it's tempting to, she can't imagine a way for it to be any worse than it already is, but she doesn't. better just to let her go, to not inflict herself on rose any longer. ]

[Wow, melodramatic much? But he's starting to see the picture clearly, or as clearly as Kaine sees anything.]

Where are you, goblin? I'm not interested in continuing the teen drama display in public.

Cape Canaveral Hospital. I'm not going anywhere for a few weeks.

[you might wanna wear a disguise, Kaine. ]

Fine.