text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

[functionoverfeels]

I've recently been informed of an entirely separate type of emoticon known as "emoji" that may provide the proper emotional spectrum.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[crabsurd]

WHAT IN THE ABSURDLY-GAPING MAW OF FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF DEFORMED HAT, ALL RIPE AND READY TO BE TIPPED BY THE FIRST DOUCHEBAG TO BE IDIOTIC ENOUGH TO WEAR IT. HIDEOUS.

[functionoverfeels]

It's a person shrugging, as though they've just heard one of the most ridiculous things they will ever hear. If this is what hats look like to you, I am very confused by the shape of your species' heads.

[crabsurd]

MY HEAD IS HEAD SHAPED, DUMBFUCK.
SINCE YOU ARE CLEARLY CHALLENGED IN THE VISUALIZATIONAL SKILLS AREA OF YOUR MALNOURISHED THINKPAN, I WILL SHOW YOU.



YOU'RE WELCOME.

[functionoverfeels]

I see now. Thank you for the helpful illustration. My "thinkpan" isn't malnourished, though, if that means what I think. I am a robot. I don't need nourishment.

You are incredibly vulgar, if I may add.

[crabsurd]

HUMAN ROBOT OR TROLL ROBOT?
IT'S AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION. TROLL ROBOTS ARE SPOOKY CRYPTIC PIECES OF SHIT, AND HUMAN ROBOTS ARE FLIGHTY IRRITATING SNOOZEBOTS WHO ARE PRONE TO SUDDEN AND DEVASTATING EXPLOSIONS.
DEVASTATING IN LIKE, THE NON EMOTIONAL SENSE. BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ROBOTS.

[functionoverfeels]

Neither, if those are the two options you are familiar with. Did something happen to you in the imPorting process or are you this bellicose normally? Do you need to watch a romantic comedy and calm down?

[crabsurd]

I AM BELLICOSE AS ALL FUCK, CONSTANTLY, AT ALL TIMES.
EVEN WHILE SLEEPING NUBS-DEEP IN SLIME, MY FACE IS TWISTED INTO A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF SLUMBERING HOSTILITY AIMED AT THE WORLD IN GENERAL. THERE IS NEVER A POINT IN TIME WHERE I AM NOT NOOKCHAFED OVER THE FESTERING BEHEMOTH LEAVING THAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME.

NOT THAT I'M TURNING DOWN THE ROMCOMS OR ANYTHING, I JUST WATCH THEM ANGRILY.
WHICH DOESN'T DECREASE MY ENJOYMENT OF THEIR PORTRAYALS OF INTER-QUADRANTICAL DYNAMICS OR THEIR DEEP CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

[functionoverfeels]

If you insist on using words that only you understand, I can see why you call yourself a troll. I haven't seen many romantic comedies, but they aren't especially well known for their character development, are they?

[crabsurd]

SURE, CAPTAIN BELLICOSE MCVOCABULARY. *I'M* THE ONE USING WORDS ONLY I UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN IT ISN'T LIKE THESE ARE PERFECTLY ORDINARY TERMS WHERE I COME FROM OR ANYTHING, THAT WOULD BE CRAZY.
I KNOW YOU'RE A ROBOT, BUT GOD. TRY TO BE MORE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE?
A GOOD START WOULD BE WATCHING MORE ROMCOMS TO RECTIFY YOUR TERRIBLE OPINIONS ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING. EDUCATE YOURSELF.

[functionoverfeels]

Which romcoms do you recommend, then?

[crabsurd]

THAT DEPENDS. I MEAN I HAVE NO REFERENCE FOR WHAT ROBOTS LIKE.
DO YOU WANT TO WEEP TINY ROBOT TEARS INTO YOUR TINY ROBOT HANDKERCHIEF? OR PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER A ROMANTICALLY COMPLEX ROMP FEATURING THE DULCET TONES OF TROLL HUGH GRANT.
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH HERE.

[functionoverfeels]

Treat me as though I've never heard of emotions before and give me your best recommendations from there.

[crabsurd]

THAT'S THE SADDEST THING I EVER HEARD, BUT OK.
A GOOD STARTING POINT FOR SOMEONE TRYING TO GET A GRIP ON MULTIPLE QUADRANTS AND DYNAMICS IS AN OLD FAVORITE OF MINE:
"WHEREIN AN OCTET OF COUPLES ATTEMPT TO NAVIGATE THEIR ROMANTIC QUADRANTS WITH VARYING DEGREES OF SUCCESS; NOTABLY STARRING TROLL HUGH GRANT AS A SUBJUGGLATOR IN A HIGH RANKING MINISTERIAL POSITION CONSIDERING A RED DALLIANCE WITH HIS OLIVE-BLOODED SUBORDINATE AND TROLL BILL NIGHY AS A BARDECIMATOR WHO RECORDS 12TH PERIGEES' THEMED SONGS AND EXPERIENCES QUADRANT VACILLATION WITH HIS MANAGER; 10-30 ONSCREEN KISSES SPANNING MULTIPLE QUADRANTS; A MULTITUDE OF SCENES FEATURING SIMULATED PAILING; SEVERAL INSTANCES IN WHICH RELATIONSHIPS BRIDGING BLOOD CASTE DIVISIONS ARE PRESENTED AS ACCEPTABLE; TWO CASES OF IMPROBABLE ACTS THAT WOULD ORDINARILY BE PUNISHABLE BY CULLING AND RELY ON THE VIEWER'S SUSPENSE OF DISBELIEF TO RETAIN PLAUSIBILITY IN A CINEMATIC SETTING; AT LEAST ONE INSTANCE OF TERRIBLE SINGING USED FOR COMEDIC EFFECT."
IT'S A CLASSIC. WHICH FOR SOME REASON DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ON YOUR HUMAN "NETFLIX," WHICH IS A FUCKING TRAVESTY.

[functionoverfeels]

Is that how your culture names movies? That just seems like a detailed description of what happens in it. We tend to use shorter titles than that. But still, my mother watches that film every year on Christmas. I'm pretty sure it's called Love, Actually. Which is how it's stylized; I didn't start stealing the way Ms. Maryam types suddenly.

Your culture does not enjoy much mystery in its movies, does it?

[crabsurd]

WAY TO BE CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE, FUCKBEEP. ALTERNIA HAS A LONG AND MANY-MOVIED HISTORY. WE RAN OUT OF THE SHORTER TITLES SWEEPS AGO. MYSTERY AND THE ENJOYMENT THEREOF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.

 

WAIT HOW DO ROBOTS HAVE MOTHERS
DO YOU GET CHOSEN BY YOUR CUSTODIANS LIKE US, IS THAT A THING.

[functionoverfeels]

My mother is my creator. Who's being culturally insensitive now? ( ^ _ ~ ) Though apparently I am part of a minority in that. Most robots I've met around here do not consider their creators family. I take it it is similar with your culture?

[crabsurd]

BEING INSENSITIVE IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY HERITAGE, AND IT WOULD BE RACIST TO DEPRIVE ME OF IT.
THIS MIGHT BE A HUMAN PLANET, BUT I WILL DEFEND MY EMPRESS-GIVEN RIGHTS TO THE DEATH. AND BEYOND.
AND OUR CREATORS AREN'T EVEN A THING
LIKE
WE HAVE A LUSUS BUT THEY DIDN'T CREATE US.
I GUESS I CREATED US? IN A WEIRD PARADOXICAL WAY THAT WAS TRAUMATIZING AND UNPLEASANT FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
BUT NOBODY CALLS ME DAD OR WHATEVER. THAT WOULD BE
URGRHGJKSGFVEUS

 

 

SORRY ABOUT THAT. UNCONTROLLABLE DISGUST SPASM.

[functionoverfeels]

We have folk songs about that situation. One in particular is called "I'm My Own Grandpa", but you probably don't have a concept of grandfathers. What is a lusus? Some sort of guardian?

I'm sorry, this is the first time I've encountered a culture as radically different from my own as yours. Cantankerous or not, you're being very helpful towards my further understanding.

[crabsurd]

I GUESS GUARDIAN IS PRETTY CLOSE
IT'S A TWO WAY THING. SOME PEOPLE HAVE A LUSUS THAT NEEDS MORE UPKEEP. SUCKS TO BE THEM.
MINE WASN'T SUCH A PAIN IN THE NOOK, THOUGH. I GUESS HE WAS GREAT, AS FAR AS LUSII GO.

AND THAT'S FINE I GUESS
I MEAN I DON'T MIND VOMITING UP INFORMATION FROM MY VARIOUS EXPOSITORY ORGANS. AS LEADER OF THIS PARTICULAR SHITSHOW, IT'S BEST YOU GET YOUR INFO FROM ME.

[functionoverfeels]

You're certainly volunteering it more readily than Ms. Maryam. Does she have a reputation for being stubborn where you are from, or did this place change her? Mostly I'm curious if, for example, it would be normal behavior for her to drag herself along on a heavily damaged and bleeding leg to rescue people with no attention to her own wellbeing.

[crabsurd]

SHE'S THE CAGIEST AND MOST INFURIATING BEST FRIEND THAT I HAVE. AND MY BEST FRIENDS ARE EXCLUSI

 

 

WAIT WHAT
OH MY GOD
IS THAT HYPOTHETICAL TELL ME IT'S HYPOTHETICAL

[functionoverfeels]

If you'd like it to be hypothetical, I could lie to you.

[crabsurd]

OH MY GOD
OH GOD OH GOD
OH GOD OH MAN
OH FUCK
OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK.
THERE WILL BE NO MORE OF THAT. NONE.
KANAYA IS A PERFECT CINNAMON GRUBROLL WHO MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS.

[functionoverfeels]

Are you sure we're talking about the same Kanaya Maryam? Because the one I know would likely open a hole in space and throw you into it for calling her that.