text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

text;

[unconchonable]

[THAT SURE IS KARKAT. That's unmistakeable. Wall of grey text, all caps, him bitching about inane bullshit.

Well, the same shit that Eridan was basically complaining about a perigee ago, but that's different. He's Eridan, and this is Karkat. Duh.

It takes him a bit to figure out what to say, how to approach this. When is Karkat from? Is he before or after Eridan went a little wand happy? Guess there's only one way to find out:]

look wwhat the behemoth dragged in
been a wwhile since ivve seen you kar
youre about as livvely as fuckin evver

[ACTING LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG AND HE TOTALLY DIDN'T MURDER TWO OF THEIR MUTUAL FRIENDS. NAILED IT.]

text; 1/2

[crabsurd]

WHAT

text; 2/2

[crabsurd]

NO NO, STOP THAT. STOP WITH THE TALKING TO ME LIKE THIS ISN'T A BIG FUCKING DEAL.
WHY ARE YOU HERE. I'M THE LEADER, SO I'M SUPPOSED TO GET HERE FIRST.
OR AT LEAST BE INFORMED OF ANY INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL BEFORE IT HAPPENS. SOMEONE IS NEGLECTING THEIR DUTY HERE, AND AS LEADER I'M GOING TO OFFICIALLY DECLARE THAT IT'S YOU.

[functionoverfeels]

I've recently been informed of an entirely separate type of emoticon known as "emoji" that may provide the proper emotional spectrum.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[crabsurd]

WHAT IN THE ABSURDLY-GAPING MAW OF FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF DEFORMED HAT, ALL RIPE AND READY TO BE TIPPED BY THE FIRST DOUCHEBAG TO BE IDIOTIC ENOUGH TO WEAR IT. HIDEOUS.

[ text ]

[halfcow]

holy shit yourre way better than the idiot who uses violet text

[ text ]

[crabsurd]

WELL, DUH.
NEXT YOU WILL BE TELLING ME THAT WATER IS WET, OR THAT CHOLERBEARS ARE TEEMING WITH A NEVER-ENDING MULTITUDE OF UNSAVORY DISEASES. WE ARE TALKING INSANE LEVELS OF OBVIOUSNESS HERE.

permatext

[deadtective]

Oh, wow. Who knew that monkeys on a typewriter theory was actually true?

[crabsurd]

WHAT. WHAT MONKEY TYPEWRITER THEORY.
YOU ARE MAKING ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE AS A JUGGALO'S LIFE CHOICES, WHICH IS NO SENSE. I REFER YOU ONCE AGAIN TO MY STATEMENT ABOUT HOW COMPLETELY FUCKING ASHAMED I AM OF YOU.

[glowsferatu]

[ what was it ruka said? it would be at least a month. two days short, but that doesn't mean she was wrong. and the part neither of them had mentioned, but knew was a possibility proves just as true, there isn't any fooling otherwise with the way he talks.

she honestly can't remember when he first encountered earth romcoms, how long ago could this be? ]

please do us all the favor of keeping your shame bladders sealed outside of appropriate disposal areas
there isnt a person born who deserves to suffer a fate so gross
also the part you missed is no humans are actually responsible for your being here
that mistake may be common but a little embarrassing when you jump straight to histrionics over so misdirected an assumption

additionally also
hi

[crabsurd]

WAIT. YOU'RE HERE TOO?
TO REPEAT WHAT I SAID TO ERIDAN: I EXPECT MY TEAM TO KEEP ME INFORMED OF NEW DEVELOPMENTS AT ALL TIMES. INCLUDING BEING FORCIBLY GRUBDUCTED INTO ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS.
THAT'S AN EXPLICIT RULE NOW. NOBODY MOVES UNIVERSES WITHOUT TELLING ME FIRST.

HI THOUGH, I GUESS.
ARE YOU SURE THE HUMANS AREN'T RESPONSIBLE?
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THEY HAVE TO BE. POSSIBLY INDIRECTLY, THROUGH THEIR OWN IDIOCY.

text

[aggressiveapathy]

the heart of the patriot
totally the only propaganda drenched soap opera to drink to

text

[crabsurd]

THAT'S A ROMCOM, RIGHT? TELL ME THAT'S A ROMCOM.
ASSUMING IT IS, YOU ARE THE FIRST BULGEGRIPPING MORON TO ACTUALLY GIVE ME SOME DECENT ADVICE. I WOULD OFFER YOU SOME KIND OF AWARD IF I WEREN'T BUSY BEING CONSUMED WITH FURY AND DISTASTE FOR THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

[heavyhitter]

um racist

also hahaha what the hell shitty emote is that supposed to be

[crabsurd]

WOW. CALLING ME A RACIST SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SOMETHING A RACIST WOULD DO.
RIPPING ON OTHER SPECIES IS A DEFINING PART OF TROLL CULTURE. ARE YOU DENYING ME MY EMPRESS-GIVEN TROLL RIGHTS? BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLY RACIST OF YOU.

AND MY EMOTE ISN'T SHITTY. YOUR OCULAR PEBBLES ARE SHITTY FOR NOT GETTING IT.
IT IS OBVIOUSLY ME, MOUTH AGAPE, HORNS POINTING SKYWARD AS IF TO SAY "WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE NAKED FUCK."
DUH.

text

[lyingheart]

Troll text quirk the third.

I believe if you use an internet search engine you'll find the results you want for whatever romcoms are. As for solving problems, no one here expects that. They just hope for that over causing more.

text

[crabsurd]

WRONG. TROLL TEXT QUIRK THE FIRST, BECAUSE I'M THE LEADER. THAT MEANS I'M ALWAYS NUMBER ONE IN ANY LISTS THAT MAY BE COMPILED, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT BEING A LEADER ENTAILS.

AS FOR YOUR SUGGESTION, I TRIED ACCESSING TROLL GOOGLE WITHOUT ANY SUCCESS. I FOUND YOUR HUMAN "YAHOO" AND TRIED SEARCHING THAT, ONLY TO BE MET WITH A WAVE OF WRITHING IDIOCY THAT MADE MY THINKPAN RECOIL IN HORROR. YET ANOTHER FAILURE OF THE HUMAN R

[ wait

WAIT ]

WAIT, HOLD THE EARTH HUMAN TELECOMMUNICATIONS DEVICE.
HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT ROMCOMS ARE?
THEY'RE LIKE THE PINNACLE OF ALL CINEMA. WHAT KIND OF SAD BULGE SCRAPING DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ROMCOMS ARE, WHAT THE FUCK.

voice.

[selfequipped]

[Having spoken to Karkat when he was here before, she remembers some of his need to ... know things. He's the one who told them all about the fact that when they leave, they might just be basically disappearing because by coming here they were all part of a dead timeline.

Or something.

Kate's never been a big fan of it, but she thinks that giving him a leg up is just nice. So, she drops a link to her FAQ before switching to audio communication.]

This might be way more useful than rom coms, but I've never been much of a fan. You'll want to check out the sections on "has been here before," as that's especially relevant to you. Sorry for the ... harsh awakening.

[The FAQ is also slightly out of date in the Hornets section, but she'll get around to it once she can type with two hands again.]

voice, private.

[glowsferatu]

Kate, when both yourself and Billy arrived I didn't burden either of you with the knowledge of your previous stays. I'd appreciate if you'd do me the favor of extending Karkat that same courtesy.

[bombshelled]

[ Ok, Lana is NOT reading that wall of text. She only has one question to ask: ]

You could type in any color you want to. So why choose gray?

[crabsurd]

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DON'T FEEL THE URGE TO SPLASH THEIR BLOOD COLOR EVERYWHERE LIKE THEY'RE VOMITING UP LAST NIGHT'S GRUBLOAF.
WHY DO YOU CHOOSE BLACK? WHY WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE THE FOUR COLORS THAT YOU PICKED OUT AS EXAMPLES, OTHER THAN "BECAUSE I AM SOME KIND OF HUMAN TOOL WITH NO TASTE."
IT'S ALL A BIG FUCKING MYSTERY. CALL THE DETECTIVISCERATORS.

[ahappyending]

I like your little emote, Karkat. It shows your horns well.

[Her name reads '????? | Didi']

[crabsurd]

FINALLY. SOMEONE GETS IT. LIKE IT ISN'T THE MOST FLAPFONDLINGLY OBVIOUS THING.

 

WAIT, DO I KNOW YOU? WHO THE FUCK.

[dormition]

I'm sorry you were dragged into our human bullshit.

[This is 100% serious Minato for you.]

For romcoms, you should try "I Love You, Philip Morris". Though the reviews said it's a little quirky. [He'd literally just Googled some romcoms and picked one that sounded interesting to him. He has weird tastes.]

[crabsurd]

GOOD. YOU *SHOULD* BE SORRY, AND YOUR GROVELLING APOLOGIES ARE A GOOD START TOWARDS MAKING UP FOR THE TRAVESTY THAT IS YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES.
YOUR SUGGESTION HAS ALSO BEEN NOTED, AND FILED UNDER "NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE EPITOME OF TOOL."
WHICH DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU'RE NOT A TOOL
OR THAT YOU CAN'T BE UPGRADED TO SUPREME TOOL IN THE FUTURE
IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE OFF TO A GOOD START.

OR A MEDIOCRE START.

DEFINITELY MEDIOCRE.

text »

[icy]

we forced out an innocent and dorkily happy emote? ahh thanks bro :') that's cute

try 'everyone loves ray'

[ Troll? Meet #troll. ]

text »

[crabsurd]

WHAT
NO.
YOU'RE DELIBERATELY MISINTERPRETING MY BLATANTLY OBVIOUS EMOTE. I AM IN NO WAY INNOCENT. OR A DORK. OR HAPPY. I AM A WRATHFUL AND UNFORGIVING GOD, WHO WILL NEVERTHELESS BE TAKING YOUR SUGGESTION INTO ACCOUNT.
I MEAN I'M GUESSING FROM THE TITLE THAT IT FEATURES A LOVE QUADRANGLE OF SOME KIND. WHICH SEEMS UNUSUALLY COMPLEX FOR HUMAN ROMANCE.

text;

[hoboagogo]

just look up netflix and get yourself an account
theres seriously like every movie on there

also is that emote like a dead guy with buckteeth and a halo or what

text;

[crabsurd]

"SERIOUSLY LIKE EVERY MOVIE." WELL THANKS FOR NARROWING THINGS DOWN FOR ME, BUCKAROO. MY SHAMEGLOBES ARE POSITIVELY FUCKING *QUIVERING* WITH JOY.

AND NO GODDAMMIT
WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING SO OBTUSE.
IT'S ME. A VERY ALIVE ME, SHOCKED. THOSE ARE HORNS AND NOT TEETH, ASSHOLE, THIS ISN'T HARD.

[wonk]

welcome 2 the party mr nubhorns

here are some rules 4 earth:
1. no culling
2. clowns are evil
3. no murder
*unless its evil clowns

there might be more rules but i cant remember them now so i will upd8 u if necessary

[Roxy's ID reads as "tipsyGnostalgic".]

[crabsurd]

I
OKAY YOU'VE LOST ME HERE. BACK UP.
IS THIS THE ROSE HUMAN'S SPRITE I'M SPEAKING TO?
BECAUSE I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SO APPALLINGLY CLOWNRACIST.
I MEAN CLOWNS ARE BASICALLY WHIMSICAL HONKING SPINAL CREASES WHO WILL TRIP OVER THEIR OWN MALFORMED BULGES AS SOON AS YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON THEM
BUT EVIL SEEMS PRETTY STRONG.

[daintylegs]

Boy, you troll people sure do like to talk a lot!
Are you angry?
Because you feel really really angry.

[crabsurd]

YES.
I AM ALWAYS ANGRY, AT EVERY POINT IN TIME, FOREVER. I AM IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH ANGER, SPANNING EVERY QUADRANT. WE'RE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.
IN AN ANGRY WAY.
I MEAN THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING, BUT YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO OBVIOUS WITH PEOPLE WHO WILLINGLY CHOOSE TO TYPE IN BLUE.

[selfimage]

Ah, yes- when all else fails, blame it on the mortals. It may soon have an accompanying song and dance.

[crabsurd]

MORTALS, SCHMORTALS. I AM BLAMING THIS SPECIFICALLY ON HUMANS, BECAUSE GOD FORBID I BLAME SOME INNOCENT NON-HUMAN CREATURES FOR MY CURRENT PLIGHT.
I MIGHT BE ANGRIER THAN TEN HIVES OF EXTREMELY ORNERY BEES, BUT NOBODY CAN EVER SAY THAT I'M NOT REASONABLE.

[ Wow, Karkat. WOW. ]

[resipiscent]

"Grubnapping?"

So, that's you, then? The grub?

[crabsurd]

YES.

OR NO. I WAS A GRUB ONCE, BUT
IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, OK. GRUBNAPPING. LIKE THIEVERY, BUT FOR PEOPLE.
OR GRUBS.
BUT NOT IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE, FUCK YOU.

text

[rathercommon]

Actually, it's probably not ANY humans at all that are responsible for you being here. It's way more likely that it's a spirit that's done it.

text

[crabsurd]

YOU'RE LATE TO THE PARTY ON THE CORRECTIONS FRONT, BULGEGOBLIN.
MY POINT STANDS IN THAT THE HUMANS ARE ENABLING ~SPIRITS~ OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER TO BRING PEOPLE HERE. BY EXISTING. THAT'S A THING.
THEREFORE I WILL CONTINUE TO BLAME HUMANS FOR THIS ENTIRE SITUATION UNTIL ONE OF THEM RECTIFIES IT, WHICH WILL BE NEVER. HUMAN INCOMPETENCE IS LEGENDARY, AFTER ALL.

[capriciousrevolt]

Wow! Someone sure is in a mood.

Alas, TL;DR. ┐( ˘ ､ ˘ )┌

[crabsurd]

I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THESE DISINGENUOUS ASSERTIONS.
I AM NOT "IN A MOOD." THIS IS MY DEFAULT STATE OF BEING. MY CURRENT ANGER LEVELS ARE NOWHERE NEAR PEAKING RIGHT NOW.

ALSO YOUR EMOTE IS SHIT AND MAKES NO SENSE.

video;

[daimeinashi]

[Really, he almost scrolled past this, but there's one thing he's curious about.]

What is an 'emote'?

text;

[crabsurd]

OH MY GOD.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE THE WINNER. IT IS YOU.
THIS IS BY FAR THE DUMBEST AND LEAST INTELLIGENT QUESTION I HAVE RECEIVED SO FAR! THIS IS QUITE THE ACHIEVEMENT. I HAVE BEEN WORKING UNDER A FOUNTAIN OF IDIOCY, BUT YOU HAVE JUST UNLEASHED AN ENTIRE OCEAN OF MORONITUDE ON MY HEAD. CONGRATS, IDIOT.
AN EMOTE IS A TEXT-BASED IMAGE INDICATIVE OF EMOTION. LIKE ONE OF YOUR HUMAN "SMILEYS," IF YOU ARE A MIDDLE-AGED PERSON WITH AN AILING THINKPAN WHO CAN BARELY FORWARD AN EMAIL. YOU'RE WELCOME.

text;

[oathkeeping]

[Uh]

Sorry? Except we aren't really responsible. The porter brought you here.

text;

[crabsurd]

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I TYPED ALL OF THOSE I'S OUT INDIVIDUALLY INSTEAD OF HOLDING THE KEY DOWN. JUST FOR YOU. NOW WE BOTH LOOK LIKE TOOLS.
I KNOW THAT IF WE'RE GOING TO GET ALL TECHNICAL AND PEDANTIC ABOUT THIS, THE PORTER DID IT
BUT
*BUT*
WHO BUILT THE PORTER? WHO PROVIDED A NICE SHINY PLANET FOR IT TO BRING PEOPLE TO?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT RHYMES WITH "BLUMANS."