text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

[crabsurd]

WOW, WHAT AN INCREDIBLY USEFUL ANSWER DEVOID OF CAGEY COY BULLSHIT, "DIDI."
YOU CAN'T SEE, BUT I AM WIGGLING MY PRONGS IN A WAY THAT EXPRESSES MY DISTASTE AND CONTEMPT FOR YOUR BULLSHIT DIGITAL ALIAS FOR ASSHOLES.

[ahappyending]

Well, the real answer's a little complicated, let's just leave it at that.

Your friend Kanaya might be able to explain it a little better, but for right now, I'm just me.

[crabsurd]

GREAT. CAGEY ASSHOLE EXHIBIT A IS DIRECTING ME TO CAGEY ASSHOLE EXHIBIT B.
I AM SURE TO GET ALL MY ANSWERS NOW! HAPPY FUCKING DAY.
THANKS A BUNCH, "JUST ME." YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO MY LIFE SO FAR HAS BEEN SO VALUABLE THAT I FEEL LIKE I WON THE ALTERNIAN LOTTERY THREE TIMES OVER.

[ahappyending]

Oh, it's been a little more impactful than that! Promise.

Do you really want to know?

1/3

[crabsurd]

YES.

2/3

[crabsurd]

WAIT THAT SOUNDED REALLY OMINOUS
NO.

3/3

[crabsurd]

WAIT OK IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GETTING SCARED OFF HERE LIKE A WIGGLER
YES.
YES I DO.

MAYBE.

[ahappyending]

[And she laughs in response, but not mean-spirited. It's friendly, and amused, and sounds like bells ringing.] I don't think I'm very scary.

Some people think I am, though. And some people can't wait to meet me. A lot of people have a lot of opinions about me; the one thing they can all agree on is that I'm inevitable.

[crabsurd]

ARE YOU FUCKING RIDDLING AT ME
IS THAT A THING, AM I GETTING RIDDLED AT.
LET ME SIT MY CREASE DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THE ANSWER COULD BE, BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME!
HMM.
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
I'VE GOT IT! YOU'RE A SWIFT KICK TO THE BULGE.

[ahappyending]

I just wanted to have a little fun with it. I thought I'd made it a little too obvious, though...

If you're giving up, I can just tell you.

[crabsurd]

I NEVER GIVE UP.
I WILL STAY AWAKE EVERY DAY UNTIL I FIGURE THIS OUT. I HEREBY FORBID YOU TO TELL ME THE ANSWER, ON PAIN OF DEATH.

[ahappyending]

[She sounds amused.]

All right. On pain of death it is.