text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

[resipiscent]

Oh. Like 'kidnapping'. Heh.

[crabsurd]

DON'T YOU HEH AT ME. THERE IS NOTHING TO HEH ABOUT. I TAKE OFFENSE TO YOUR HEH AND STRIKE IT FROM THE RECORD.
GRUBNAPPING IS ONLY LIKE KIDNAPPING IF YOU TAKE AN APPALLINGLY HUMANCENTRIC VIEW OF THINGS. WHICH IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING A HUMAN WOULD DO!
CHECKMATE, HUMAN.

[resipiscent]

"Checkmate" because you figured out I was a human?

[crabsurd]

YES.
SEE HOW I USED DEDUCTIVE REASONING AND INCREDIBLE INSIGHT TO FORMULATE A THEORY?
THAT'S A THING PEOPLE WITH FUNCTIONING THINKPANS DO.

[resipiscent]

Incredible. What else can you deduce?

[crabsurd]

GIVE ME A SECOND.
HMM...
...
........
.....
OK GOT IT. I DEDUCE THAT YOU ARE A GRUBFISTED HUMAN DOUCHELORD WHO PROBABLY LIKE
TOUCHES HUMAN BUTTS ON A REGULAR BASIS
OR SOMETHING. I CAN IMAGINE THAT BEING A WAY YOU PASS THE TIME. GROSS.

[resipiscent]

What's the difference between a human butt and a troll butt though? Do you need to differentiate?

[crabsurd]

I
DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
I MEAN PRESUMABLY YOUR HUMAN BUTTS AREN'T GRAY?
BUT THERE IS NO WAY IN HISSING SPITTING VICIOUS *FUCK* THAT I AM FORAGING IN A HUMAN'S PANTS TO CHECK MY THEORY.
NO.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. GROSS.

[resipiscent]

They are indeed not gray. I'm pretty sure that my butt is the same colour as my face. Not that I've ever studied it or anything.

[crabsurd]

THEN WE'RE TALKING SOME SHADE BETWEEN WEIRDASS PINK AND WEIRDASS BROWN. GOOD TO KNOW.
AND BY "GOOD TO KNOW" I MEAN "I AM GOING TO POUR CAUSTIC FLUIDS INTO MY SPONGE CLOTS TO TRY AND ERASE THIS FACT FROM MY THINKPAN, BECAUSE IT IS MORE THAN I EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE HUMAN BUTT."

[resipiscent]

I never really wanted to think about troll butts either, but here we are.

[crabsurd]

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST GOING TO
CASUALLY FORGET WE EVER HAD THIS CONVERSATION.
IT NEVER TOOK PLACE, IT NEVER EVEN *TRIED* TO TAKE PLACE, AND NEITHER OF US THOUGHT ABOUT EACH OTHERS' BUTTS.
AGREED?

[resipiscent]

I'm fine with that.

... So, that being behind us... welcome, I guess.