text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

[dormition]

Do you get to have friends?

[This is the most important question to Minato. Super important. The xenophobia he's not so concerned about.]

Well, this is all Western food, and I'm from Japan... and I don't know what kind of things your species eats, or what you like... but I've liked Mexican food. It's spicy.

[crabsurd]

FRIENDSHIP IS A FUCKING DISEASE. TROLLS CAN GET IT, BUT WHO THE FUCK WOULD *WANT* IT? NOT ME.
WELL I MEAN
I HAVE FRIENDS, OF COURSE I HAVE FRIENDS
BUT IN AN ACCEPTABLE, HATEY WAY. THEY ARE ALL EXCLUSIVELY TERRIBLE AT ALL TIMES.

AND YOUR SUGGESTION HAS BEEN NOTED. EVEN IF I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE.
"JAPAN" SOUNDS MADE UP AS SHIT. WHAT KIND OF PLANET CALLS ITSELF JAPAN?

[dormition]

Trolls have to hate each other to be friends? I wouldn't be very good at that. [Not that Minato is asking because he likes to make friends and might be planning to in this case. Nooo.]

Japan is another country on Earth. It's an island on the other side of the world from here. We're in the Western hemisphere right now, and Mexico is a country just south. So trolls are from a different planet?

[crabsurd]

WELL OK THEY DON'T *HAVE* TO. IT'S JUST COMMON.
I CAN COUNT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE I'M NOT HATING AT LEAST HALF THE TIME ON ONE HAND. AND EVEN THEN THEIR STATUS IS SHAKIER THAN A NEWBORN ANTLERBEAST CROSSING SOME KIND OF FROZEN BODY OF WATER, LIKE TROLL BAMBI.

AND OF COURSE WE'RE FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET
DID YOU THINK WE WERE ON EARTH ALL ALONG OR SOMETHING?
JUST
I DON'T KNOW
HIDING UNDER BRIDGES, TERRORIZING HUMANS WHO HAPPENED TO PASS BY FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON?
WE'RE FROM ALTERNIA. WHICH IS A WAY MORE PLAUSIBLE SOUNDING NAME THAN ANYTHING YOU JUST SAID, FYI.

[dormition]

Oh, that’s good. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to be friends.

[Any normal person would add a caveat to the effect of not meaning to come on too strong. It’s Minato, so he doesn’t. He’s just brutally, bluntly honest.]

I didn’t really think anything. There’s a lot of different universes here. But you’re the first person I’ve met from another planet, I think. Is this your first time on Earth? It might be confusing…

[crabsurd]

HOLD UP THERE, "BUDDY"
(THOSE ARE ENTIRELY INSINCERE ENCLOSURE TALONS, FYI)
I KNOW YOU HUMANS HAVE WEIRD AND UNNATURAL ATTITUDES TOWARDS FRIENDSHIP AND OTHER ASSORTED UNSAVORY SHENANIGANS
BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TWITCH YOUR FRIENDSHIP PROBES IN MY DIRECTION LIKE I AM LYING BACK AND WAITING TO BE THOROUGHLY FRIENDED AT.
I AM TERRIFYING AND UNPLEASANT. GOD.

AND THIS MIGHT BE MY FIRST TIME *ON* EARTH, BUT I WATCHED IT FOR A WHILE.
CONFUSING IS RIGHT. LITERALLY NOTHING ON YOUR PLANET MAKES SENSE. IT'S APPALLING.

[dormition]

[I'm sorry, Karkat, but it's another blue-themed friendleader. Minato is at least extremely deadpan and not dense.]

I don't think you're unpleasant and I'm not usually terrified by anything. But it's alright if you don't want to be friends. Won't is different from can't. I would find it sad if it was "can't".

Oh, I see. Like an alien spy. I guess being in it would be different than watching. If you'd like me to show you around at all, let me know. I mean that in an entirely unfriendly way.

[crabsurd]

OH MY GOD DO YOU THINK I CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
YOU'RE FRIENDING AT ME, STOP THAT. I SEE THROUGH YOUR LITTLE GAMES, AND WHAT LIES BENEATH THEM IS UNPALATABLE LIKE MONTH-OLD SOPOR PIE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND YOUR TIME LEARNING HOW TO BE APPROPRIATELY TERRIFIED OF ME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DOUSE ME WITH YOUR FRIENDFLUIDS.

[dormition]

No, I'm serious. If you don't want to be friends, that's fine. But I do like to help others.

[crabsurd]

WHY.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU? IS THIS A THING HUMANS DO TO FOSTER SOME KIND OF WHOLE
INDENTURED SERVITUDE BASED ON GRATITUDE
THING?
I FUCKING KNEW IT.

[dormition]

What's in it for me?

[Minato has to think about this one.]

I don't want anything out of it. It's just lonely, and boring, without someone else to focus on. It makes me feel better to have left a positive impact, before mortality inevitably arrives.

[crabsurd]

 

 

 

YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST HUMAN IN THE VAST OCEAN OF WEIRD HUMANS THAT I HAVE SPOKEN WITH SO FAR.

[dormition]

Does that mean you don't want any help from me?