text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

text

[crabsurd]

THAT'S A ROMCOM, RIGHT? TELL ME THAT'S A ROMCOM.
ASSUMING IT IS, YOU ARE THE FIRST BULGEGRIPPING MORON TO ACTUALLY GIVE ME SOME DECENT ADVICE. I WOULD OFFER YOU SOME KIND OF AWARD IF I WEREN'T BUSY BEING CONSUMED WITH FURY AND DISTASTE FOR THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

[aggressiveapathy]

yeah, it's totally time consuming
hamsters help
and it's a dramatic story following captain liberty americus and family and her fight for country and love
and a ton of amnesia and evil twins

[crabsurd]

I'M
WHAT THE FUCK IS A HAMSTER. SOME WEIRD HUMAN FOOD?
THE REST OF IT SOUNDS PRETTY TOLERABLE, I GUESS. EVIL TWINS ARE A PLOT DEVICE THAT GOES CRIMINALLY UNDER REPRESENTED IN ROMANTIC CINEMA.

[aggressiveapathy]

it's a pet
they sit in your hand and don't actually talk back ever or do anything except be amazing
best kind of conversation partners

[crabsurd]

IN THAT CASE, I OFFICIALLY DECLARE THAT HAMSTERS ARE THE GREATEST INVENTION OF HUMANKIND.
UNLESS THEY ARE HIDING SOME KIND OF SINISTER DOWNSIDE? LIKE MAYBE THEY
I DON'T KNOW
SMELL LIKE A MOULDERING CORPSE OR SOMETHING.
HUMANS MUST HAVE FUCKED THEM UP *SOMEHOW.*

[aggressiveapathy]

they sometimes eat their young
but that's god's fault

[crabsurd]

HEY, WHAT SPECIES DOESN'T.
IF HAMSTER WIGGLERS DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN, THEY SHOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING DELICIOUS.

[aggressiveapathy]

you are a voice for our new generation

[crabsurd]

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.
A LOUD, ANGRY VOICE THAT WILL RISE ABOVE ALL OTHERS AND SHOUT THEM INTO COMPLIANCE.
POSSIBLY WITH LIKE
A LITTLE GROUP OF HAMSTER SUPPORTERS OR SOMETHING. I'LL FIT THEM IN SOMEHOW.

[aggressiveapathy]

and i will subscribe to the news letter
and train the rodents to clean up the bloodstains left in your wake

[crabsurd]

YOUR SUBSERVIENCE HAS BEEN NOTED AND APPROVED OF.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WIN THE PRIZE FOR BEING THE LEAST HIDEOUSLY MORONIC HUMAN CURRENTLY IN EXISTENCE.
(THE PRIZE IS A GRUDGING METAPHORICAL PAT ON THE BACK FROM YOURS TRULY)

[aggressiveapathy]

i was under the impression free terrible romcom night was part of this deal

[crabsurd]

WHO SAID THAT? I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
BUT OKAY MAYBE THAT WOULDN'T BE SO HIDEOUS
MAYBE.
I MEAN YOU *ARE* STILL A HUMAN, I COULD BE ALLERGIC TO YOU OR SOMETHING.

[aggressiveapathy]

just don't lick me
the last alien that did didn't survive the infection

[crabsurd]

GROSS.
MEANING I THINK I CAN AGREE TO THESE TERMS. WELCOME TO THE TOLERABLE HUMAN CLUB, POPULATION: YOU.

[aggressiveapathy]

keep it that way
i don't share membership jackets