text;

[crabsurd]

FIRST OF ALL: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THIS.
GRUBNAPPING. OF COURSE! SO "ORIGINAL." I AM SO STUNNED BY THIS DISPLAY OF CREATIVITY AND GOOD SENSE THAT MY ASSORTED SHOCKBLADDERS HAVE GONE INTO OVERDRIVE. IN FACT, I - WAIT, YES - HERE IT GOES. YOU WIN. YOU FORCED THIS OUT OF ME:

O:B

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO. LABORIOUSLY MASHING MY HANDS AROUND TO FORM WHAT WE CALL AN "EMOTE," BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE WORDS FOR HOW FUCKING FLABBERGASTED I AM. GOOD JOB, HUMANS. YOU'RE ONTO A WINNER.
"HEY, LET'S SNATCH UP THE ADOLESCENT TROLL WITHOUT WARNING OR PERMISSION AND BRING HIM TO SHITTY HUMAN TRASHPLANET TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS." WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
UGH.
AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, I *KNOW* THIS SO-CALLED NETWORK ISN'T *TECHNICALLY* MADE FOR THE NUB-FELLATING INCOMPETENT GRUBDOUCHES WHO BROUGHT ME HERE
I *KNOW* I AM VOMITING MY ALMIGHTY WRATH ON THE HEADS OF OTHER IMPORTS BLAH BLAH ETC
AND I DON'T CARE.
THERE ARE HUMANS AMONG YOU, SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE ALL COLLECTIVELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT. AND THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL ASHAMED, BUT REST ASSURED THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES AS I AM OF YOU.
I AM PREPARING TO SECRETE SHAME FLUID FROM AN ASSORTMENT OF BODILY ORIFICES, SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DROWNING YOU WEIRD HORNLESS ASSHOLES IN IT. I CONSIDER THIS A MERCY KILLING. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I GUESS WHILE I'M WORKING UP TO THAT I CAN
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE GET ON THIS "BLOGGING" BULLSHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO MAKE THEMSELVES USEFUL BEFORE BEING CULLED AND MAYBE LIKE
RECOMMEND SOME EARTH ROMCOMS FOR ME TO SNEER AT DERISIVELY OR SOMETHING
THAT WOULD BE HALFWAY TOLERABLE.

Comments

[deadtective]

Wow, that is some really impressive conditioning. I didn't know you could train something to be a reclusive shut-in like that.

[crabsurd]

EXCUSE
***YOU***
THERE IS NO TRAINING HERE. I AM SERIOUSLY QUESTIONING THE ABILITY OF MY DAD TO TRAIN ANYONE OR ANYTHING. NOT TO MENTION THAT I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE HERMIT SHUT-IN.
I GO OUTSIDE. I'LL GO OUTSIDE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.
THE OUTDOORS IS MINE TO COMMAND.

[deadtective]

I won't believe you until I get a selfie of you at a donut shop. Anything else can be faked!

[crabsurd]

WHAT'S A SELFIE.
YOUR ABSURD AND BIZARRE HUMAN TERMINOLOGY IS REALLY PUTTING A BEEFGRUB RIGHT UP MY NOOK.

[ HASTAG: IRONY ]

[deadtective]

Oh, sorry. I was overestimating what you could handle again. My bad!

It's pretty self-explanatory though, don't you think?

[crabsurd]

IF IT WAS SELF-EXPLANATORY I WOULD KNOW WHAT IT WAS, GRUBTARD.
BUT THANKS TO MY STUNNING INTELLECT, I HAVE UNCOVERED THE SECRET TO ACCESSING THE HUMAN GOOGLE
AND I NOW KNOW

1) WHAT A SELFIE IS
2) WHERE TO FIND A "DONUT SHOP"

ALL YOUR SECRETS ARE LAID BARE. PREPARE TO BE EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATED, BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO LEAVE MY BLOCK AND SCHOOLFEED YOU ON THE ART OF DONUT SELFIES.

[deadtective]

God, I hope so. I haven't had a really good laugh for a few weeks now, I need something to pin on my fridge for a chuckle at any hour.

an hourish later

[crabsurd]

[ INCOMING: one selfie of Karkat, buried in an oversized black hoodie in an attempt to conceal his grey horned nature.

There's a pile of donuts in front of him, and one in each hand. Observe how his middle fingers are raised, coated in a fine dusting of sugar and sprinkles.

WHAT A MAJESTIC CREATURE. ]

[deadtective]

[wow, he's twerpier (and uglier) than she thought he'd be. Karkat can't see it, of course, but she's having a good laugh over all this before replying.]

Yeah, this is fridge material. Be sure not to puke when you're finished!

[crabsurd]

I WIOULL PPPPPUKE ON YOUR DOORSTYEP

[ typing with sticky fingers is hard. ]

[deadtective]

I'd be a lot more terrified if you actually knew where my doorstyep was.

[making fun of typos he can't help now? y e p.]

[crabsurd]

[ Hmm. A fair point. TIME TO RETHINK THIS STRATEGY. ]

 

 

 

I WILLLLL PUKEE ON EVERTY DOORSTEEP.

[ nailed it ]

[deadtective]

So is that going to be a 'barf as you go' kind of thing or are you going to hurl first and just slosh it onto the steps after?

[details!! because Hazel wants to draw out this laughfest as long as she possibly can.]

[crabsurd]

I WILL VOMIT ON EACH DOORSTEP INDIVIDDUALLY
WITH LOVE AND CAAAAARE.
I WILL LEAVE A RIBBON ONNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNFUCKMYNNNNNNNKEY
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNFUFJDGNNNNNN

OK THAT'S BETTER
THESE THINGS ARE TERRIBLE. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE "FOOD" THAT GUMS EVERYTHING UP LIKE THIS?
OH, RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU'RE IDIOTS.

[deadtective]

Sounds to me like you just can't eat them the right way. Which is totally understandable! It's pretty advanced.

[crabsurd]

FIRSTLY: FUCK YOU
SECOND: FUCK YOU
THIRD: I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU EAT TROLL FOOD WITHOUT MAKING A WORSE MESS
FOURTH: FUCK YOU.

[deadtective]

Complaining won't make you any better, just a sore loser!

[crabsurd]

 

 

 

FIFTH THROUGH INFINITYETH: FUCK YOU.

[deadtective]

If you can't even handle a donut, why would I let your fingers near something like that?

[is she being literal and obtuse on purpose? you better believe she is.]