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[deadtective]

We've got posts up playing icebreakers and asking for people to regale them with the exciting tales of their weekend, so I think it's safe to say that we're past the current crisis? We better be, because I'm sick of slicing my fingers up leafing through the classifieds and don't need anybody jumping on me for being flippant during a tragedy.

[so preemptively defensive, Hazel. maybe you should have had somebody proofread this before sending it out.]

I'm looking for a job. I had this whole thing typed up with my preferences and abilities, but it ended up sounding like I was looking to run bootleg liquor over the border.

Which. I mean, if there's an opening for that I'm totally down for an interview? But that's not exactly the kind of thing you advertise for.

I was a private detective back home, buuut honestly I think I broke more laws than solved actual cases. No convictions, though! Uh. The point is I have a shitty skillset and I am super desperate. If the job's not boring as hell and it can finance dozens of pre-ordered video games I'm interested.

Look, it's this or I start prying radios out of hovercars. The crime rate of Heropa is in your hands!!

Comments

[heavyhitter]

hang on are u actually serious i cant even tell
because if ur not im strongly considering finding someone thatd do it with me, that sounds great

[deadtective]

Did you not see the italics when I mentioned I'M DESPERATE up in the initial post? I was willing to run liquor to Mexico, this is nothing.





We'd probably have to do it somewhere that wasn't Heropa, though. If that gets out into the news I know some people who'd kick my ass.

[heavyhitter]

do any of those people happen to read the network, ever
because if so then i got bad news for u regarding the readability of this convo

[deadtective]

No, this is fine, I'm terminally sarcastic and there's no way any of them care about whether or not I'm employed.

[SHE HAS SOME REAL INCREDIBLE CONFIDENCE IN CERTAIN PEOPLE'S NOT CARING ABOUT HOW SHE SPENDS HER FREE TIME

but then on the other hand she's managed to keep her dismemberment by Kaneki under wraps, so maybe it's not as outrageous as it first appears.]

[heavyhitter]

hmmmm well ok whatever ur on
lets talk over shitty pizza

[deadtective]

Awesome. You're going to be eating all the shitty pizza while I look on, though. What's your sleazy pizzeria of choice?

[heavyhitter]

what, whats ur problem with shitty pizza

[deadtective]

Nothing, I just can't have it. I can't eat, like, pretty much anything.

[heavyhitter]

r u vegan

[deadtective]

No, it's a medical thing. It suuuucks.

[heavyhitter]

thats shitty
well whatever as long as ur fine watching me eat bad pizza

[address!], in like 20 min

-> action?

[deadtective]

I'll try my best not to cry.

[not that. she actually can, but whatever. in twenty minutes Hazel is duly hanging around the pizzeria, looking (as always) like the most inconspicuous person covered in stitches ever.]

-> action!!

[heavyhitter]

[ Ramir is there in a timely more-or-less-20-minutes, zooming in on her stylish hovervespa, naturally. It drops to the ground again with the sole purpose of skidding to a stop, and of course her eyes land on Hazel. No one else looks like they're waiting for someone. Or stands out so much as an imPort. The arch of a brow is immediate. ]

Okay, be straight with me. Do you not eat pizza because you're a Frankenstein monster?

[deadtective]

[ahhh, vespas. Hazel really misses hers, although perhaps not as much as someone who actually gets tired having to walk places. her gaze is wistfully on the vehicle for a few moments, less because of actual regret and more because it gives off an air of nonchalance in regard to the question at hand.

HAHAHAHAHA WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK SHE WAS SOME KIND OF HIDEOUS ABOMINATION THAT'S SO DUMB HAHAHAHA]

I was in an accident, but thanks for going right for my self-esteem's throat.

[said as dryly as she can muster, and underlined by casually tucking a hand into one of her pockets. nailed it!]

[heavyhitter]

Hey, I live to serve.

[ So her theory is a little off, maybe. Oh well, worth a shot. She stows the vespa and starts for the door, expecting to be followed. ]

So anyway — how do you picture this working?

[deadtective]

[Hazel dutifully follows, but you can bet your ass that she's rolling her eyes at terminal velocity. at least that bullet was dodged.]

I can take pretty much anything you can dish out, so I figured you'd try and rob a place and you just strategically throw me into the shit we want. You get away with some stuff, I take some broken merch as payment from the owners for my altruism. Pretty simple.

[heavyhitter]

[ She considers it for a few seconds as she trailblazes up to the counter, and ultimately frowns. ]

How come I'm the bad guy here? [ Even though that's... accurate, hey, she has a cover to maintain. A second later she adds: ] Three slices of pepperoni.

[deadtective]

Because I look like a repurposed kewpie doll. [flatly, and said while she stares with dull longing at the display case rather than Ramir] Nobody's going to believe this if I try to hold a place up.

[heavyhitter]

[ Also true. And she wouldn't have much fun in the hero role, she's pretty sure about that. She thinks it over as her pizza is fetched, and turns back to Hazel again with slices in hand. ]

Okay, but I got a decent reputation here, all things considered. I'm gonna need a costume.

[deadtective]

[..what? are they done here? it takes Hazel a moment to realize Ramir's actually got her food now, and then another moment to tear herself away from the despairing gaze. once she does, she shoots her a wry look and heads for an open table.]

What, you're not in one already? [ok, ok, no, being serious now as she flops into a seat.] But sure, whatever. As long as I don't have to dress up too.

[heavyhitter]

[ She glances down at herself like she's expecting to see something more flamboyant than her usual outfit, and rolls her eyes. Some people just can't appreciate fashion. ]

Nah, you're the hero. No one gives a shit about ID when you're the hero. [ She slides into her own seat, and thoughtfully adds: ] Unless it's the villain trying to kill your family, I guess.

[deadtective]

[she snorts and waves a hand dismissively.]

Good thing I don't have anybody important enough to pick off here, huh? That way I don't have to get thrown through a display case in my party clothes.

[they're the only remotely costume-like clothes she owns, ok. and that comment about having no one who considers her important is a super lie, but Hazel can't help but make it. she wants to keep people safe, even in dumb hypothetical situations.]

[heavyhitter]

Yeah, sure, good thing no one likes you.

[ She crams pizza into her mouth, and after a few seconds of hard chewing, says around a mouthful: ] Anyway, I guess I can put together a getup. [ It'll be like practice for when she's ready to be serious about being Taranto. ] Any stores in mind?

[deadtective]

Noooot really? I don't spend a lot of time in pricey areas when I leave Heropa, but I could probably put together a list pretty quickly.

[all it takes is a little googling and then looking presentable enough that nobody side-eyes her when she wanders around checking out the layout. probably.]

Just make sure you don't look too stupid. This is supposed to be a serious problem!

[heavyhitter]

[ She rolls her eyes, but at least waits until her mouth is clear for the rebuttal. ]

Fuck off, I always look awesome.