001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[ferrisbuellean]

Iiiii guess so, yeah. [Amusement is better than the not impressed face, he'll take it, and even add a scoff of his own.]

What'd you get?

[redplainsrider]

My job's dang awful, I'm inspectin' the quality'a roombas, but at least I ain't bein' followed around by cameras. Are they followin' ya always?

[ferrisbuellean]

Wow, seriously? Roomba inspection? That's awful and yet strangely awesome. I guess I have no right to complain, huh?

[redplainsrider]

I dunno...rather do what I have, but, then again, last time I had a bunch'a cameras surroundin' me . . . things didn't turn out so well . . .

[ferrisbuellean]

Yeah? How'd that work out for you?

[redplainsrider]

[Well, she was stuck on a ship full of infected people murdering each other, had to shoot a teenage girl in the head, which led to her husband divorcing her in order to save face for his presidential campaign because all those cameras recorded her committing that act of technical murder despite the fact she was putting the girl out of her misery of turning into a Murderman--buuuut she ain't about to say all that right off the bat, so she just looks . . . dark for a second, then wove her hand.]

It ain't no matter, especially when we have the beginnin's of a bon-a-fide reality star amongst us.

[ferrisbuellean]

[That might've gotten awkward. Good thing she didn't talk about her feelings or anything!]

I've become the very thing I hate.

Hey, maybe I can use that brooding bitterness to my advantage on camera.

[redplainsrider]

[Yeah, feelings are super gross.

Eyebrow quirk.]

Yeah? How so?

[ferrisbuellean]

Viewers love a brooding front man, right? I just have to pretend to hate myself, which will actually be really hard because I'm amazing.

[redplainsrider]

Soo...you've become what ya hate, but yer gonna do yer best to be the best at what ya hate?

[ferrisbuellean]

Exactly. How good is that?

[redplainsrider]

[Long pause.

Narrows eyes, baffled.]

Wait--what?

[ferrisbuellean]

I don't even know any more. Man, looks like we're already getting some of that intrigue I spoke about, right?

[redplainsrider]

Is "intrigue" show biz lingo fer "mighty confusin'"?

[ferrisbuellean]

Yup, got it in one.

Okay, so picture this. The brooding and reluctant front man, despising the attention he's getting but only getting more because of it. Forced to work cases for a city he doesn't know or care about and gradually unravelling a network of lies and deceit that they never wanted him to find...

This working for you yet?

[redplainsrider]

Reckon it might workin' fer me, if only it'weren't so obvious the broodin' an' reluctant front man weren't so broodin' an' reluctant 'bout it.

[ferrisbuellean]

I can work on that. Give me another day or two in this place and more alcohol and I should be able to genuinely hate myself.

[redplainsrider]

Reckon that sounds 'bout right. Alcohol is mighty fine for things like that.

[ferrisbuellean]

It really is. And yet it's also the best thing ever.

[redplainsrider]

[Sighs almost wistfully.]

Dun I know it. I miss it like a cowboy misses his poor dead horse.

[ferrisbuellean]

It's still here for you. Alcohol never abandons you.

[Dirty enabler.]

[redplainsrider]

True. T'were me that abandoned liquor. [Booze didn't deserve to be so abandoned.]

[ferrisbuellean]

Oh, ouch. T-total? My bad.

[Well this is awkward.]

[redplainsrider]

Heh, bagropa, I keep fergettin' how that sounds to folks. Ain't nothin' serious like that, dun be feelin' all awkward like that. Though, reckon that reaction'll make ya look good on yer show.

[ferrisbuellean]

Phew, ok, good, because for a second there I was half thinking I was gonna be the reason you fell off the wagon.