001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[schrader]

Got better things to watch.

[ Like porn. ]

Not that any of us who give a shit get much time in front of the boob tube, anyway. You look back far enough and you'll see what I mean. Got that degree again, why not put it to some real practical use?

[ferrisbuellean]

Because I've been given the opportunity to brighten up imPort lives with my face and my ability to talk circles around prosecutors. I can't deny the world that pleasure. You a man of law, Mr. uh...?

[schrader]

Schrader.

[ DEFENSE ATTORNEY. EAT SHIT.

Nah not all lawyers are bad, but

still. There are too many jokes to ignore. ]

Officer Hank Schrader with the Heropa PD, and former Special Agent for the Albuquerque DEA.

[ferrisbuellean]

[Defense attorney and proud!

Doesn't it all explain so much now, though?]

Surely not the Officer Hank Schrader? The round, angry and downgraded DEA agent Hank Schrader? It's an honor.

[schrader]

[ OH MY

GOD. ]

What?

[ Did he go onto YouTube, that thing has to be buried by now, or did somebody else internet something? Or is he just being an ass because nobody appreciates proper intros? None of this needs to be mutually exclusive, really.

Pretty boy smartasses

can he just

shove them all into a porta-potty somewhere

and tip it into a landfill? ]

I'm perfectly pleasant and enchanting! [ You dick. ] And it's never a downgrade when serving and protecting. Not like I had to go back to school.

[ferrisbuellean]

Oh, ouch, my feelings.

[The sarcasm is strong in this one.]

You just keep sweeping the streets, officer. I'll be right behind you throwing it all back out again.

[schrader]

[ IT REALLY IS. That's good, because sarcasm is better than puppies. ]

I hit the fuckin' jackpot, then. Your sudden rise to stardom gonna give you that much free time?

[ferrisbuellean]

Sure. I need some way to occupy screen time and apparently my stunning good looks aren't gonna be enough.

Besides, you came recommended.

[schrader]

[ CHILTON.

Lord no, Hank had been kidding. That fuck face. ]

Flattered, especially with that sweet talk [ ROUND HDU BOTH ], but not interested. I'm sure you'll do just fine. Plenty of old folks rotting away unable to reach the remote to change the channel.

[ferrisbuellean]

[Yup, sorry. That happened. They spoke to one another.]

Oh, c'mon, there's no greater entertainment than watching an officer like you dragging poor innocent folk into cells and me liberating them on technicalities.

[schrader]

Entertainment?

[ Because narcotics isn't enough of a mess, it needs a tv show to make them all look like imbeciles? A news crew for a big bust is one thing, this is...not that. Doesn't matter, it's not like anyone above him would sign off on something like this given the image Jeff Winger would probably enforce, so Hank doesn't care enough to worry.

Innocent. Not snatching that bait. ]

Tell you what, you run that cute little idea up the chain of command and we'll see.

[ Isn't that lawyer-speak for 'no fucking way'? He can blend! But it's not like he's the only imPort officer. ]

[ferrisbuellean]

[Hank's choice to ignore most of that was wise. Oh so wise.]

Sure, I can totally see that idea being accepted by your higher ups. I bet they've got nothing to hide.

[He's tempted though. So tempted to actually pass it up the chain.]

So you really don't wanna be on the show? Man, I was hoping for good things.

[schrader]

[ This ribbing is punishment for socializing. Never do it, Hank, especially ironically. ]

With that little skip in your step, I'm sure you'll keep it flamboyant and thrilling all on your own.

[ferrisbuellean]

[You might've picked the wrong guy to socialize with, Hank. Especially when Jeff's not under the watchful eye of his friends. Sorry, buddy.]

I could always do with others around to make me look even better.

[Must. Stop. Mocking.]

But seriously, you don't seem so bad for a cop. You actually have a sense of humor for a start. Folks love that.

[schrader]

A good cop has all the best jokes in his pocket, trust me. Maybe if you stopped licking your own ass you would've noticed before now.

[ If best means worst. No one understands. It's all good. ]

But you're barking up the wrong tree this time, sorry champ. Gold star for hitting the ground running.

[ferrisbuellean]

Trust me, if I was flexible enough to lick my own ass, that wouldn't be the thing I'd be licking. [Eyyoooo!]

Ah well, pity. I was really hoping we could get something going, Officer. Could have promoted the unity between imPorts. Or some crap. I dunno.

[schrader]

[ Lord. The image is a good punishment for Hank, thanks Jeff Winger, not that he hasn't heard it before. He feels like he could be talking to Saul Goodman's younger bro. That's no compliment (is it?). ]

Ch'yeah, I'll bet your hopes just soared to the moon as soon as my name came up, huh? Well I help unity in my own way, but your way and some crap will probably interest plenty more.

[ Which is where he should throw Will Graham under the bus, given talk about imPort unity, but nah. He's no Chilton, and Will can offer himself up for the sacrifice if he feels so inclined. ]

This reality TV shiz was really their idea? You didn't sing your own praises any to nail it down, huh?

[ferrisbuellean]

[Kind of a compliment insult there. Complisult. Whatever, he's just glad to be of brain bleaching service.]

Honestly their idea. [And he's not exactly honest very often.]

Trust me, if it was my idea, I woulda gone for something that gave waaaay more money and involved way less effort. Like, minimal work. Like a producer. Or a DEA agent-- oh, sorry.

[:D?]

[schrader]

[ NOT EVEN GONNA

DIGNIFY THAT. WITH WORDS.

DEA work was the hardest of his life, and definitely money earned, but so what if he's making less now? It's still more than an average cop with the imPort stipend (but ok not a lot). Jabs are fine, again, he's heard worse. ]

Sounds to me like all the work you'll need to be doing is shooting your mouth off. Doubt that'll need any effort, hot shot.

[ferrisbuellean]

[Well done, Hank. All Jeff is after is reactions.]

You caught me, my super power is extreme back chat and arguing. It makes me unstoppable in court and ridiculously appealing to ladies who're drawn to solving the mystery beneath the lies.

[schrader]

So you're Ally McBeal. Check.

[ferrisbuellean]

I like to think of myself more as an Atticus Finch kinda guy.

[schrader]

[ Has to laugh at that because w o w. You must be joking son. ]

Did you even read the book?

[ferrisbuellean]

Okay, maybe more like Pacino in the Devil's Advocate. Point is, I'm an excellent lawyer.

[schrader]

[ Did you just compare yourself to Satan? ]

Can't argue with those qualifications.