001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[ferrisbuellean]

You're from before then? No kidding. Please tell me it's the eighties.

[cuff]

Sorry, I don't hail from the land of hair metal. Try '98.

[ferrisbuellean]

98? Beautiful. Does everyone have curtained hair and high waisted pants?

[cuff]

Only when they're not drowning themselves in plaid, sure.

[ferrisbuellean]

Beautiful. I do not miss the 90s. All that denim and leggings... Don't worry, my friend, it gets better. Not a bad era for music though.

[cuff]

Yeaaah, dunno if i'm ever gonna be able to take you serious now. Not that you were doing such a good job of that already.

[ferrisbuellean]

Why, because I said the 90s had some good music or because I don't like men in leggings?

[cuff]

I'd say figure it out on your own but your bullshit-ometer's already so far off the charts, not sure I wanna leave it up to you. So let's stick with most of the crap they like playing on the radio.

[ferrisbuellean]

Uh, excuse you. Dave Matthews Band, Nirvana, Rage, the continued existence of bands like Red Hots and Beastie Boys. I mean, I could go on for ages.

[cuff]

[ LONG SUFFERING SIGH. ]

Yeaaah, I bet you could. Still wouldn't make my life any better.

[ferrisbuellean]

Might do if you actually listened to good music! Music can change lives.

[cuff]

Buddy, you really trying to school me on the healing power of music? Cause you know, I don't need a lesson in what a good record can do for a person. I'm just not so big on smelling teen spirit cause stale locker rooms just ain't my thing.

[ferrisbuellean]

Okay, valid point, the song titles aren't exactly appealing, but it's the feel of them. Man, I'd almost miss the nineties it weren't so tacky and lacked in any good technology.

[cuff]

I just get my feely music fill from some other place... but yeah okay our cellphones are pretty much shit. Who knew they'd ever make em so that they were actually smaller than your head.

[ferrisbuellean]

They started to get ridiculously small at one point, until someone actually realised we needed to see the damn screens. At least they're not un suitcases any more, huh?

[cuff]

Whoever thought that was a good idea never thought about how easy it'd be the mug the jackass carrying the thing around.

[ferrisbuellean]

Hah, I know right? Then again, they're just as easy to drag outta back pockets for the jackasses that leave their phone peeking outta there.

[cuff]

New and improved technology for the same ol shitty scumbags. But hey, if you're stuffing things in one'a those pockets, you don't deserve whatever you lost.

[ferrisbuellean]

I guess we should probably be putting some of the blame onto the assholes stealing them though, right, officer?

[cuff]

[ oh my god officer, really!?!!? ]

Who said I wasn't blaming the guys with the sticky fingers? Being an idiot doesn't mean you deserve to get your shit stolen, just means you're an idiot.

[ferrisbuellean]

Amen. Which is why I, as an honorable lawyer, defend the rights of idiots.

[cuff]

And thus, the shitty circle of life is completed.

[ferrisbuellean]

It's like idiots, cops and lawyers just can't live without each other.

[cuff]

One of those, uh- [ UHHHHH..... ] back and forth relationshipy things.

[ferrisbuellean]

Like mutualism? Sure.